Here’s how Los Angeles Rams QB Jared Goff can invest his extension wisely

Los Angeles Rams QB Jared Goff has a new contract extension. The first thing I said after the Rams lost the Super Bowl was “Jared Goff needs to be paid phat stacks.” OK, actually the first thing I said was “F**K” about 32 times outside of my girlfriend’s apartment in below-freezing temperatures. But I promise the “pay Jared phatty staxz” thing was directly after that.

Sure, you could fill a giant safe with coins and dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.

But the wise man? The wise man turns that money into more money. The Rams’ franchise quarterback can do just that.

How? Glad you asked. My business plan is foolproof.

Here are four ways to multiply that dough:

Invest in my vintage clothes Instagram store

My business plan is foolproof.

I take old clothes that no longer fit because I go too yoked and tight, and then I sell them to people who fetishize retro looks. What’s cooler than showing up to a party in a XL Disneyland sweatshirt from the 90’s? Nothing.

Like Goodwill, I will basically sell clothes to hipsters, “fashionistas”, and people looking for Halloween costumes. October is right around the corner and I have several pairs of too tight orange tennis shorts.

I spend $0 on supplies because all of these clothes were hand-me-downs, and I make my customers pay for shipping and handling. It’s basically printing money.

Invest in my fit tea hustle

My business plan is foolproof.

I sell diarrhea tea to people looking for healthy-looking supplements. I put “fit” in front of my teas and supplements to make them more appealing. Is it a scam? Not really! These supplements are guaranteed to help you drop weight because each tea bag is filled with a supercharged laxative comprised of prunes, citrus, and dark roast coffee. You’ll destroy your pants by the time you finish the cup but look how lighter you look!

Invest in my mom blog

My business plan is foolproof.

My farm of content writers produce 57 posts a day and my site generates roughly 25 views a day. A name like Jared Goff could really boost my brand. While he isn’t a mother, Jared Goff did come from a mother so it’s all relatable.

Invest in my Ponzi scheme

My business plan is foolproof.

It’s basically the fit tea idea but instead of teas, I sell spots in a made up group trying to lose weight. I sell them supplements, give them workouts each day which I pull from my Jared Goff Workout A Day calendar, and then encourage my customers to start their own groups while kicking a small taste up to me.

If the dummies I went to high school with can do this on Facebook, then so can me and Jared.

If there’s one thing Gary Vee shouts about most on Instagram (other than how he missed investing in Uber three times), it’s that you should always be closing (or something similar). Why not close on some amazing opportunities to make enough money to buy the Rams? Of course you wouldn’t buy the Rams, because that would be a massive pain in the ass. You’d have to see Roger Goodell’s egg face all the time and then listen to him just mouth-breathe an explanation on how the catch-rule will change this year.

Instead, invest in one of my ideas, Jared.

My business plan is foolproof.