NFL Week 2 preview: Stop scheduling these teams for Monday Night Football

It’s simple — We don’t let the New York Jets, Cleveland Browns, Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins, San Francisco 49ers or the Arizona Cardinals on Monday Night Football. Ever.

Like extending a player who had a fantastic performance last season, assigning teams the Monday night slot based on hype or positive expectations will only blow up in our face. The Browns were the talk of the town throughout the offseason. In exchange for all their losing they got two Monday night slots.

So did the Jets, for all the nothing they did last year.

What fun. Can’t wait to come home after a long day at the office, chumming it up with the dumbasses I’m forced to work with, and sit and watch bad football porn.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 20, Carolina Panthers 14

Bucs QB Jameis Winston ended his 12-game road losing streak and got Tampa (1-1) it’s first win of the year because the Panthers (0-2) are extremely stupid.

But first, let’s laugh at the fact the camera angles were relegated to the floating SKYNET camera from above for most of the first quarter, due to the rain:

Who did they plan to fool? Panthers QB Cam Newton is the size of a tree and the quarterback. As if the defense won’t pick up that he’s been standing near the right tackle for all of 5 minutes.

NFC West

Baltimore Ravens (1-0) at Arizona Cardinals (0-0-1)

The Ravens obliterated whatever the hell the Dolphins are this year which is reportedly a group of guys wanting to get the hell out of town.

Ravens QB Lamar Jackson (who throws well for a running back) could very well turn in an incredible performance and then some granted the Baltimore offense allows him to rush more than two times as he did in Week 1.

The Cardinals pass-defense was killed by QB Matthew Stafford, who threw for 361 yards and three touchdowns. Cards QB Kyler Murray threw for just 70 yards and was 9 of 25 in the first three quarters against the Detroit Lions in Week 1, but he rallied for a 238-yard, two-touchdown performance in the final two-quarters of the game to force overtime and a tie. Murray looked way more comfortable in the final two quarters than he did the first three. The question will be what can the Cardinals offense really do when Murray is that comfortable at the start of the game?

Seattle Seahawks (1-0) at Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)

Seattle should take full advantage of the rotting corpse that is the Steelers, and I’ll be watching with anticipation because Big Ben is awful. Roesthlisberger’s head is expanding like our ever-growing universe and so is his “WTF guys” look whenever things don’t go Pittsburgh’s way. There’s no person I’d rather root for then the guy who says he’s earned the right to publicly criticize the team.

Seattle shouldn’t have won against the Cincinnati Bengals because their offense was horrible especially the ground game which had 72 total yards. That’s unacceptable especially when you have QB Russell Wilson and a former 1,000-yard rusher in RB Chris Carson. RB Rashaad Penny is also back there.

I don’t expect Pittsburgh to have as horrible a performance through the air as they had against the New England Patriots. The Steelers could take advantage of a weak Seahawks pass defense which allowed more than 400 yards and two touchdowns.

San Francisco 49ers (1-0) at Cincinnati Bengals (0-1)

The 49ers are 1-0 for the first time since 2016, but it’s likely they fall to .500 after this week. San Francisco was able to take advantage of a very bad Tampa Bay team in spite of their own blunders. QB Rusty Thrownoffalot looked very rusty and uncomfortable throwing a terrible pick six. He still managed to end his day completing about 66 percent of his passes.

Cincinnati, on the other hand, had a starting quarterback look very comfortable: 418 yards and two touchdowns. However, the Bengals went full Bengals and coughed the ball up there time, two of which were on QB Andy Dalton.

Watch these two games

Kansas City Chiefs (1-0) at Oakland Raiders (1-0)

The Raiders and Chiefs have one of the best rivalries in football. I have no connection to either, but this game is always a must-watch.

The Chiefs torched the Jacksonville Jaguars with nearly 500 yards of offense last week while Oakland proved it’s own offense is not a complete trash heap as I previously thought. QB Derek Carr looked great against the Denver Broncos (22 of 26 for 259 yards and a touchdown). The Raiders were 10 of 14 on third-down and kept Carr upright all night.

This should be the game of the week behind the Los Angeles Rams and New Orleans Saints

Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) at Atlanta Falcons (0-1)

Despite the Week 1 loss to Minnesota, QB Matt Ryan played as well as one would expect him to (33 of 46 for 304 yards with two touchdowns, two interceptions). It’s just the rest of the Falcons let him down. The offensive line allowed four sacks, and poor tackling and run-defense allowed Minnesota the home-opening win.

The Eagles’ pass defense was smoked by our boy QB Case Keenum for nearly 400 yards and three touchdowns. If there’s a week for Atlanta to bounce back, this would be it.

Philly has WR DeSean Jackson back and his relationship with QB Carson Wentz is superb. He had 154 yards and two touchdowns on eight catches (10 targets). The Eagles will likely put up a repeat performance between those two.

Injury Report: Week 2 Notables

Jets — After playing just nine snaps in Week 1, LB C.J. Mosley (groin) is hopeful to play Monday against the Browns. He and DT Quinnen Williams (ankle) both missed practice time this week.

Ravens — CB Tavon Young is out for the season (neck) while CB Jimmy Smith will miss the Week 2 game against the Cardinals due to a knee injury. CB Marlon Humphrey missed practice this week (back) but there is an expectation that he will play Sunday.

Bengals — RB Joe Mixon (ankle) is day to day. He suffered a sprained ankle in Week One against Seattle. The team hopes he can return against the 49ers.

Houston Texans — After missing Week One, WR Keke Coutee (ankle) and G Tytus Howard (finger) could return for Week Two against Jacksonville, but nothing is for certain yet.

Indianapolis Colts — DE Jabaal Sheard (knee) and RB Jonathan Williams (ribs) are still out for Week Two.

Jaguars — DE Yannick Ngakoue (hamstring) is uncertain for Sunday

Los Angeles Chargers — TE Hunter Henry is out 4-6 weeks (knee) and WR Mike Williams is uncertain to go on Sunday (knee).

Dallas Cowboys — WR Tavon Austin is dealing with concussion symptoms and could be doubtful for Sunday.

Washington — TE Jordan Reed could play Sunday after missing time for a concussion.

Saints — WR Ted Ginn Jr. did not practice Wednesday due to illness.

49ers — FS Jimmy Ward is still dealing with the effects of a broken finger he suffered in Week One. He did practice this week but did not participate in contact.