Last night, Los Angeles Rams RB Todd Gurley revealed that he had purchased a cat for the first time:
I have to say that I am now very concerned for Todd Gurley’s well-being.
Because cats suck.
Did you know that cats suck? You probably did. If you didn’t, now you do. Perhaps though, there are some of you who think (incorrectly) that cats are not our enemies and not disgusting feral beasts that don’t care about you at all and would actually prefer you to die.
Well, I hate to break it to you. They are. And they suck.
Our own Brandon Bate tried to make this point last night on Twitter, a very good site that offers people an opportunity to have rational conversations:
I've got two answers to your question:— Bate™ (@NoPlanB_) August 15, 2019
1) Get the automatic litter box. Promise you it's a lifesaver
2) Return it for a dog, because those are way better
Hopefully Todd has since followed Brandon’s advice and gotten a dog, a very good animal that actually cherishes friendship and is interested in spending time with you.
If not, he’s in for a rude awakening when he learns cats, one of which has now infested his home, suck.
Did you know that humans are actually hard-wired to hate cats as a process of natural selection? Because cats suck, our brains evolved over time to ensure a healthy predisposition toward hating them. But recent studies have shown (and this is actually real) there’s a parasite that has entered some people’s brains so that when those people die and are eaten by their cat, a process called postmortem predation, the parasite can enter the only environment in which it can reproduce: a cat’s digestive system.
I say again.
There’s a bug that breeds inside cats’ guts and its in some of our brains knowing the best way to get back into the cats’ guts to get laid is to hang out on our brains until cats, as is in their hearts as their true nature, gleefully await our death and then eat us.
In other words, Toxoplasma thinks we’re rats, and it wants us to be eaten by a cat.
Did you know that cats don’t actually snuggle or cuddle? Many people find enjoyment when a cat rubs up against them and think it’s a sign that their cat is expressing their physical affection for their dinner, sorry I mean human friend. No, what they’re actually doing is marking their possession, in this case your flesh.
All cats have special glands that produce scents (pungent to each other) that they use to mark their territory. When a cat is attempting to assert his dominance, he will frequently rub his cheeks against objects, people and animals to create scent markings. The scent produced by these glands smells the same to humans no matter which cat produced it, but your pets can tell who made a particular marking. When two cats struggle for dominance, each will mark areas that the other one has already marked.
No, your cat is not snuggling with you. It’s marking a future meal and making sure nobody takes their lunch from the fridge.
Cats are vile, vicious lonesome creatures. In fact that lonesomeness has inhibited their intellect to the point that cats are one of the dumber mammals specifically because of their solitude.
A cat wants to be left alone to be dumb until you die so it can eat you.
And now, there is one holding our dear starting running back captive.
Don’t do it, Todd. Don’t let yourself be eaten by that beast. Be free. Be alive.