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2019 Los Angeles Rams roster preview: LS Jake McQuaide, origins

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Somewhere beyond the shadows and beneath the din, you’ll find him. Waiting. Preparing. Snapping.

Los Angeles Rams LS Jake McQuaide looks down
Los Angeles Rams LS Jake McQuaide considers the nature of transcendental idealism and whether we internalize the universe as a translation through human capabilities or whether reality is as it is presented to us.
Photo by Carlos Herrera/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

2015:

Explosions behind, glory ahead. McQuaide breathes the fires of long snapping and spits out an inner strength that consumes the position, the St. Louis Rams, American football and all of human sport.

Jake McQuaide is only long snapping and pain.

2016:

Los Angeles Rams long snapper Jake McQuaide might be the best long snapper in the history of the NFL. He may be the best football player in the history of the NFL. And yes...he may be the greatest human to have ever lived.

2017:

This isn’t entirely accurate. McQuaide doesn’t make the 53-man roster. McQuaide makes a 1-man roster and everyone else makes the 52-man roster.

2018:

I will cede this section to our 16th President, Abraham Lincoln:

There was a time before time. An ending that began everything and nothing all at once.

I’m mortal. I am limited by human boundaries. But I know what I know because I know it. This is not a pipe.

Los Angeles Rams LS Jake McQuaide was borne of the ether, an amphisbaena sent of his own creation upon us to fill our lungs with the air of suffering and indomitable insufficiency.

Roster battle

Jake McQuaide is language itself. He is the the transmission and the medium.

Expectations

Jake McQuaide takes many forms. One cannot simply identify and observe Jake McQuaide. He is a solid AND an emotion. He is the stasis and the disequilibrium.

Chances of making the final roster (Jake McQuaide/10)

I was born bad, and I have lived bad, and I shall die bad in all probability. But, upon my lost soul, I won’t be bad towards you again, Jake McQuaide.