Super Bowl LIII is nearly upon us, and with it (hopefully) a great game between our Los Angeles Rams and the New England Patriots.
And weird prop bets.
What is a prop bet, ye who be not a degenerate gambler say? Certainly you, who has never spent a dollar on the dumbest minutiae of life that has nothing to do with the actual linear relationships of moments that matter but instead on the black matter in between that differentiates man from beast has no idea what a prop bet is. Allow me!
A prop bet, or proposition bet, or novelty bet, or side bet, or softhook bet, or sushi bet (look, gambling has long operated in a level of shadows well below the light that requires a language all its own that is both malleable and temporal - try to keep up) is a bet that isn’t tied to the outcome of a specific event. So it’s not about who wins. Or by how much. Or the final score. Or any final outcome. Prop bets (et al) are about the stuff in between “now” and the final “then.”
So with that, here are your top 10 most ridiculous prop bets for Super Bowl LIII!
#10.) Big Boi setlist inclusions
Ms. Jackson: 3/1
Royal Flush: 4/1
International Players Anthem: 6/1 (co-written by Big Boi and name-drops Gladys Knight)
NOW LOOK. I AM QUITE BIASED. MY DAMN SCREEN NAME IS 3K (For those of you who don’t follow, Big Boi is part of a rap duo named OutKast that featured Boi and Andre 3000 hence “Three thousand” hence 3k. You should probably get off the internet and/or just use Facebook). IF THEY PLAY THE GODDAMNED INTERNATIONAL PLAYERS ANTHEM AND DRE DOESN’T COME OUT, THE GAME IS OVER. WE DON’T PLAY THE SECOND HALF. IF HE COMES OUT AND TELLS US ABOUT TYPING A TEXT TO A GIRL HE USED TO SEE, MAROOON 5 HAS TO BE SUMMARILY EXECUTED AT THE 50-YARD LINE. THIS IS HEREBY LAW.
(I’m pretty sure I could get Roger Goodell to sign off on this.)
#9.) Will Gladys Knight kneel during anthem?
Gladys Knight is 74-years old. Four of the Pips are dead. If she can even kneel without help, we should all just be paying her out.
#8.) Color of liquid poured on winning coach
The great part here isn’t the sadness implicit in betting actual money earned by people who are not employed by the portions of the federal government that are currently not paying those employees on the color of the liquid poured on the liquid coach.
No, it’s the usage of the blanket term “liquid.” What are we including here? Gatorade, Powerade, Lucozade, sure. But something else is at play here.
Ramade? Have we finally cracked the code of the Rams’ Fountain of Youth when it comes to their continued health?
Are the Patriots up to something here that we don’t know? Did they take Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson’s nanobubbles and deflate them by 1psi? Lord knows I don’t trust them cheaters.
Are we venturing into X-rated territory here? “Liquid” is a loaded term. Are we wagering on a team (hold up...just give it a sec...) blowing their load at the end of the game?
#7.) Mercedes-Benz Stadium Roof Open at Kickoff
Yes -200 (1/2)
No +150 (3/2)
ALL HAIL SUPREME ROBOANUS
#6.) How many times will Ted Rath be mentioned during the broadcast?
Over 3.5 -190
Under 3.5 +145
3.5?! The world has finally learned of our nutrijacked young boy because he holds Rams Head Coach Sean McVay back on the sidelines, and all the sudden he’s going to merit four mentions?!
No. The world should know of our strength and conditioning coach for more. Much more.
Episode 3: Hard Work Pays Off
“If he can come in and do what he’s been doing… bring him in, Coach. We’re trying to win a Super Bowl.” - Aaron Donald Episode 3: Hard Work Pays OffPosted by Behind the Grind on Thursday, April 12, 2018
#5.) Who will the Super Bowl MVP thank first
Donald Trump: 5000/1
5000/1. Cmon, man.
#4.) Number of plays Tony Romo correctly predicts
Forget Jim Nantz. Just let Romo try to predict every single play.
#3.) Will Maroon 5 play “Sweet Victory” at halftime as a SpongeBob SquarePants tribute?
I had to look this one up...but if they don’t do this after SpongeBob SquarePants creator Stephen Hillenburg passed away in 2018, they missed a real opportunity.
(And yes, there is a chance well above 0% that Goodell somehow worries this will be too offensive)
#2.) Rams CB Nickell Robey-Coleman called for pass interference during game
Yes +200 (2/1)
No -300 (1/3)
#1.) Will Billy McFarland be caught selling counterfeit tickets to the Super Bowl?
Odds that Billy McFarland is the NFL Commissioner in 2025: 3/2.
Don’t @ me.