In the next couple of weeks, I will going through he NFC West “rivals.” Today: the San Francisco 49ers.
The San Francisco 49ers don’t play in the city they’re named after.
The Niners are a bunch of liars.
They should be called the Santa Clara 49ers.
Playing in a soulless sauna that’s more than an hour away from the city is a crucial mistake, because their identity has now been scrubbed away. Candlestick Park, for all of its out-of-date flaws, was right on the bay in the middle of everything. Levi Stadium is a great place to spend hundreds of dollars as you hate yourself for all your life choices. The Los Angeles Rams made this same mistake in 1980 when they moved to Anaheim. They’re still paying for this fateful decision.
At least the Rams have a bright future ahead of themselves in Inglewood. In Los Angeles.
Santa Clara is like if Stan Kroenke decided to build his stadium in San Dimas.
Why does this matter? Well, the team has lost the energy of their fan base. Playing on the road in Santa Clara isn’t that much of a threat.
Who is their 12th man? Saweetie?
Now, they’re basically pulling in tech-bros who are trying to impress some investor who knows nothing about football:
The Golden State Warriors 2.0. Good luck with that Jed York.
Their roster is the Cheesecake Factory of NFL rosters
Have you dined at the Cheesecake Factory? You have to wait 60 minutes to get a table. You spend 15 more leafing through their phone book of a menu. You finally order your orange chicken/pizza/burrito and... It’s fine, but not the best version of whatever the hell you’re trying to eat. Is it worth all the fuss? Gypsy Spellcheck is fine. Do I think he’ll turn into a poor man’s Tony Romo and end up dating some girl who’ll end up getting her own show on the E! channel? Yes. Yes I do.
The rest of the team feels like possible busts and guys that were good two years ago. Look at their depth chart at receiver. Seriously. WR Marquise Goodwin and old man WR Pierre Garcon. And let’s talk about CB Richard Sherman for a second: his Achilles is like when I’m driving on the 405 at 8am in the morning — bound to snap at any moment.
Kyle Shanahan doesn’t have Sean McVay’s leadership
Head Coach Kyle Shanahan reminds me of Kendall on HBO’s Sucession (watch it if you haven’t, it’s amazing). Sean McVay also has family ties to the NFL, so it’s unfair to argue that he’s a better coach because he wasn’t just given the job because of his dad. However, McVay has that X-factor when you hear him communicate about football. Shanahan gets talked up by Niner fans for being this “scheme guru” just like McVay is.
Well, they won six games last year. Let’s see what he can do with a full year of Shifty Shirtorpolo.
It’s our job as Angelenos to throw shade at the Bay Area
You know the last time something enjoyable came out of San Francisco? The Rock.
As far as sports go, San Francisco is a baseball city. And they should be. But every sports fan I know from the Bay Area is very smug about their teams (even looking up Tim Hardaway stats so they can brag that they’ve always been fans of the Warriors) and they hate the Los Angeles Dodgers, Los Angeles Lakers and yes, Los Angeles Rams.
But the best part is they hate LA teams so much but then live here because their city is filled with Elon Musk clones and apartments they can’t afford.
So, when the San Francisco 49ers come to town, make sure you boo extra loud.
They deserve it.