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Which Los Angeles Rams would be the best in the Winter Olympics?

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The 2018 Winter Olympics are underway. Which Rams missed out on the opportunity to win gold?

2018 Winter Olympic Games - Opening Ceremony
The Opening Ceremony of the 2018 Winter Olympic Games
Photo by XIN LI/Getty Images

The 2018 Winter Olympics are underway in PyeongChang, South Korea.

As always, the Olympics offer the spectacle of international competition mixed with the artistry of peak athleticism with a dash of #whatthehell.

Pretty fun.

But which Los Angeles Rams would have excelled in this year’s games? Here follows a very scientific look based on the highest quantifiable metrics.

Alpine skiing

Cmon...it’s got to be Just Todd Gurley.

Ski Man TG❄️⛷

A post shared by Todd Gurley (@tg4hunnid) on

Biathlon

I love the biathlon. It takes the grueling endurance challenge of cross-country skiing and throws shooting in there. It wasn’t even a sport originally, just a military challenge. I say put more military challenges in the Olympics. #supportthetroops

My pick here would be TE Tyler Higbee. Had to have picked up some marksmanship skills at Western Kentucky, no?

Bobsled

Two man team of WR Sammy Watkins and CB Troy Hill. Gotta have speed in the bobsled. At least that’s what Cool Runnings taught me.

Cross-country skiing

I like this event because we all need more ø in our lives and damn if there aint some Bjørns outchea cross-country skiing.

So congratulations to cross-country skiing legend WR Pharøh Cøøper.

Curling

There should be more sports with people just yelling “HARRRD!”

Something about the OLB combo of Robert Quinn and Connor Barwin makes me think they’d be workin them brooms.

Figure skating

This one’s tough. You need grace. A touch of delicate artistry. Not exactly qualities that apply to football...except for one Ram...

Andrew Whitworth.

Freestyle skiing

It’s all in the hips. CB Trumaine Johnson is our best chance here.

Ice hockey

Rob Havenstein went to Wisconsin.

We’re starting to stretch.

Luge

Not sure why, but I can totally picture QB Jared Goff doing the luge.

Nordic combined

I had no idea this was a thing. Apparently, it combines cross-country skiing and ski jumping which I like because I like combining two completely different sports and making it a sport. We should do that more often. Like in the Summer Olympics, you should combine water polo and the hammer throw and just call it summer combined. Or judo and those horse dancing events. Or combine em all and do one big supersport where someone has to train for 32 different sports. Can you imagine how dumb that would be? It’d be great.

I guess to do multiple sports well you have to just be awesome at pretty much anything so DT Aaron Donald is our nordic combined champion. He’d also be great at judo and horse dancing, FWIW.

Skeleton

This is the death wish sport. You go head first upwards of 80mph through an icy doomtunnel. Nope nopity nope.

You gotta have stones for skeleton. Only one hero I know of that comes to mind.

LS Jake McQuaide.

Ski Jumping

P Johnny Hekker. Next.

Snowboarding

WR Cooper Kupp. Getting easy.

Speed skating

Had to finish with a tough one.

Speed skating’s weird. You gotta build them monster thighs like that one French animated movie about the bicycle guy. The Triplets of Belleville. Yall ever see that? That movie messed me up. So this dude gets captured by the Mafia in the middle of the Tour de France just so that they can hold their own bicycle race for people to bet on. At one point, this one dude is just so exhausted from bicycling that he falls off and the Mafia boss just caps him. I had no idea French animated movies about Mafia-inspired bicycle gambling rings were so coldblooded. Anywho, the main bicycle dude just had these monster legs cause all he did was bicycle all day. He’d definitely be my first-round pick here because all I know about speed skating is you need legs and that I hope Maame Biney wins all the damn medals.

Rodger Saffold got some tree trunks though. I’d love to see that cat speed skate.


Time for some Olympics. Good luck to Big Whit in the figure skating men’s singles free.