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Ten ways to manage your Los Angeles Rams panic attack

Panic meter on code red? Here’s how to cope.

Screening Of Lionsgate Films’ ‘John Wick’ - Red Carpet Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Consider me guilty as charged.

I’m definitely alarmed, anxious, frightened, agitated, hysterical, and splitting my time between wildly unthinking behavior and dismayed, apprehensive consternation. And yes, you could even throw me in the tizzy/freak out camp. I offer no apologies — any fan who can remain entirely calm in the face of such abysmal football is likely no friend of mine.

For as good as the Los Angeles Rams looked for the first 11 weeks of the season, we’ve hit a troubling skid that will either make us stronger or spell our undoing. Panic, for all of its glorious synonyms, chewed fingernails and quickened pulses, won’t do us a damn bit of good. Here are 10 helpful tips to restore your faculties.

1. Drink heavily

2. Watch John Wick and pretend the bad guys killed Jared Goff’s puppy

3. Watch a replay of last night’s MNF game and tell me the fired-up Philadelphia Eagles wouldn’t have beaten that anemic New Orleans Saints team

4. Practice selective memory: killer tailgate, bro! What’s that you say? Oh there was a game?

5. Conspiracy theory: Tell yourself this is all part of the master plan. Sean McVay is inducing this panic so that your feelings of euphoria when the Rams win it all will be that much stronger. Oh, and also, he actually WANTS the second seed (prefers domes), doesn’t want to rest players down the stretch to stay sharp, and has a glowing briefcase locked in a vault at Rams HQ filled with plays that would prematurely blow all of our minds.

6. Perspective: if this was the Jeff Fisher era, Rams Nation would be yawning and looking at top-10 draft prospects

7. Nutrition: baby aspirin, kale, coconut oil, and Michelob Ultra. Other leafy greens are also acceptable according to the official Russ Crenshaw Diet.

8. Exercise: follow the “Most Steps Ever” exercise routine and at least relieve some of the stress. Will it help C John Sullivan handle an interior pass rush? No. Will it bring WR Cooper Kupp back from IR? Sorry. Will it help restore your faith that the first 12 games of this season weren’t a fluke? For your sake (and mine), I hope so.

9. Keep the faith: We’re purging some demons and getting our worst football out of the way now. Likely scenario: Rams win out, get well during the bye week, take care of business at home, and head to (presumably) New Orleans for the NFC Championship Game.

10. Hug your kids. Kiss your wife. Enjoy your holidays. This is football.