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The Top 10 Employees Of The 2017 Los Angeles Rams

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Who’s who behind the curtain? THE MOST POWERFUL INDIVIDUALS IN THE NFL, THAT’S WHO.

Lauren Wiedemeier
THE DEATHBRINGER

Last year, we covered the top 10 employees of the 2016 Los Angeles Rams. A year later, let’s look at who’s climbed up the charts and which crumbums fell off the map.

(TIE) #10 - Football Information Technology Ryan “Dolla Boi” Garlisch

Ryan “Dolla Boi“ Garlisch
Check ya pockets, bih

Last year: #2

DB dropped a couple spots after a disappointing 2016. The scrill wasn’t really comin in this spring, and when the paper aint stackin up, what’s a paperboy like Garlo White to do?

Get the doe.

Completely not-true fact about Galexander Gamilton: Spent most of the offseason learning how to play the theremin.

(TIE) #10 - Chief Technology Officer “Ísmanninn” Skarpi Hedinsson

“Ísmanninn” Skarpi Hedinsson
Frosinn einn

Last year: N/A

Hefur þú einhvern tíma fundið eins kalt eins og múrsteinn af ís? Já. Já auðvitað. Þú hefur fundið koss frysta vindsins.

En nei, vinur. Það var enginn vindur.

Það var Ísmanninn.

Completely not-true fact about Spicy Icy: Hates technology.

#9 - Equipment Assistant Luis Ramos “Somar Suil”

Luis Ramos “Somar Siul”
!erutcip taerG

Last year: N/A

Ramos suffers from a strange form of mental and physical ataxia in which he does all things backwards.

He walks balkwards. He reads backwards. When he has dinner, he just pulls food out of his mouth and makes it into a well-plated meal. He exhales when he should inhale and he inhales when he should exhale.

It’s pretty unusual to see him do his job backward, but he makes it work.

He is looking forward to Week 17 of the 2016 season.

Completely not-true fact about Backward Bobby: .bulC naF treplA breH eht fo tnediserp eht sI

#8 - Employee Experience Alaine “Brouhaha” Brewer

Alaine “Brouhaha” Brewer
Cookin' up dope in the crockpot

Last year: N/A

Alaine has seen some shit, yall.

Completely not-true fact about the Brou Buster: Refuses to accept “North” as a cardinal direction.

#7 - Video Operations “The Wizard” Jeremy Wiczek

“The Wizard” Jeremy Wiczek
Wiz put on a suit this year!

Last year: #3

This is Wiczek in last year’s media guide:

This year...A suit and tie? A haircut?

/sniff

Our little Wizzy’s gettin all growns up.

Completely not-true fact about Wiz Khalifa: Sleeps in that suit.

#6 - Ticketing & Member Services Brittany “@DaOnionGurrrrrl23” Cipolla

Brittany “@DaOnionGurrrrrl23” Cipolla
She loves Instagram, and she loves onions!!!

Last year: N/A

Brittany Adams loved onions. She loved them more than anyone she had ever known. On a summer trip to Tropea, Italy, in 2012 to get more outdoorsy posts for her Instagram page, @DaOnionGurrrrrl23 (since changed), she came across an onion she had never had. An onion she didn’t believe existed.

The perfect onion.

Sweet at its core, tart on the outside, she new she would never find another. She had found her soulmate. So in an intimate ceremony with her closest friends and family, Brittany Adams married that onion and took on its name.

Brittany Cipolla and her husband, a very normal and otherwise unremarkable onion, have been happily married for four years now. We wish them all the best.

Completely not-true fact about the cepa lover: Is an avid collector of insect wings.

#5 - Operations “Candy” Andy Sugarman

“Candy” Andy Sugarman
Sweet.

Last year: N/A

Look at that man. Look at his face.

He is not here for your bullshit.

Completely not-true fact about Sugar Shane: Is addicted to the aroma of shaving gels.

#4 - Media “Marvelous” Sandarvis “LeJarvis Marvis” Duffie

“Marvelous” Sandarvis “LeJarvis Marvis” Duffie
Barvis O’Yarvis

Last year: N/A

Sandarvis Duffie has dreams.

Your favorite cinematographer’s favorite cinematographer, “Harvis Carvis Put It On A Plarvis” just wants to get the shot right. The framing. The composition. The blocking. The lighting.

If there’s an F-Stop, he’s F-Stopped it.

Completely not-true fact about Yu Darvis: Is, to be entirely honest, is interested only in women who are either bad OR boujee, but not both. A gentleman has standards.

#3 - Communications Tiffany “Lil’ Scratchy“ White

Tiffany “Lil’ Scratchy“ White
She scratchin’

Last year: #4

Was once dubbed by former Florida State Head Coach Bobby Bowden “That one girl who be doin all that scratchin’.”

It was the greatest day of her adult life.

Completely not-true fact about Itchy & Scratchy: Is considered by many to have won the popular vote.

#2 - Administration Lauren “Deathbringer“ Wiedmeier

Lauren “Deathbringer“ Wiedmeier
The nihilists say it is the end; the fundamentalists, the beginning; when in reality it is no more than a single tenant or family moving out of a tenement or a town.

Last year: #4

True story. (No, actually true)

My first deployment, I was attached to a Special Forces unit. We set up our HQ at one of Saddam’s former palaces. Then we went to war.

A few months into the deployment one day, we had to go to Camp Victory, the big joint (read: more than one military branch). I don’t remember why. We stopped to grab lunch at the DFAC (as in dining facility), a huge cafeteria right next to the American-held portion of Baghdad International Airport. While we ate, a mortar landed nearby, likely closer than a football field away. Nearly everyone ducked and hit the floor. My battle buddy and I did not.

After months of combat and IEDs and the horrors of war, we had become inure to the jeopardy of the battlefield. We had accepted the momenta that helps fate collide with death. If our stories were to end then and there, they were to end then and there.

We had removed fear as an option.

(Now the not true part, but let’s be real, it’s probably a little true)

Now? Facing the Deathbringer?

Fear is back.

Completely not-true fact about the Shadowbringer: Hates Mongolia. A LOT.

#1 - Mary from Payroll

Never. Ever. Forget.


On behalf of the TST Staff, we’d like to sincerely thank everyone working behind the scenes who help us as fans enjoy Rams football. As much as we focus on what happens on the field, it wouldn’t be possible without the legion of employees who make the all the gears turn. So thanks.

But as we said last year...

Stay away from Lauren. I remain sure she’ll cut a bitch.