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Former Rams DE William Hayes Laments Being Traded “For A Stapler And A Coffee Machine”

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We will miss you, dear friend.

Former Los Angeles Rams DE William Hayes
Former Los Angeles Rams DE William Hayes
Robert Hanashiro-USA TODAY Sports

William Hayes is a national treasure.

Long the favored cut up of Los Angeles Rams media, the man built his career on a three-word phrase he lived as much as he said it: “Brah Brah Bojangles.” He doesn’t believe dinosaurs existed. He believes mermaids do. He is ridiculous in the best way to the point of exhaustion from the Rams’ content farm.

So it’s no surprise that his farewell Instagram video is hilarious, heartfelt and better than that of most of his peers:

“Got traded today for a stapler and a coffee machine.”

“Certain things that I am looking forward to...sweet tea...searching for Ariel in South Bay...no more traffic...lower rent.”

“And all my Rams fans from St. Louis to LA. And I would say something about the Titans, but fuck those n*%$&&.”

“But damn, a coffee cup though? And a mug?”

The Rams traded Hayes yesterday to the Miami Dolphins with a seventh-round pick for the Dolphins’ sixth-round selection. On football terms, it’s a wise move. For non-football reasons though, there’s reason to lament the loss.

Farwell, mermaid hunter. And thanks for the stapler.