The 2016 Los Angeles Rams released their Media Guide for the upcoming season today. After thorough discussion with the TST Staff and a discrete yet thorough selection process, here are the top 10 members of the Rams’ staff for the 2016 season:
#10 - Senior Assistant to General Manager James “Stones” Gladstone
Stones is an undrafted free agent rookie senior assistant out of Westminster College.
His personal website from his days as the former Media and Literacy Coordinator and WR Coach At St. John Vianney High School in St. Louis, Missouri, is a “one stop site for anything social media, digital citizenship, coaching, & digital creation.”
That’s top 10 material.
Completely not-true fact about Stones: James gets up every morning at 5am for a quarter-mile sprint while listening to the disco version of the theme song from Moonraker.
#9 - Legends (?) Sara “Doogie Howser“ Dugan
The former Lake Elsinore Storm Intern of the Year, Dugan brings her trophies with her to the Rams where she’s expected to improve creation and coordination of special events by at least 35% in her rookie campaign.
Completely true fact about Doogie Howser: Has a dog named Wilson T. Beagle.
Completely not-true fact about Doogie Howser: Hates tall people.
#8 - Nutrition Assistant Anthony “Dirty Tony” Zamora
DT is about that life. Fueling. Grocery store tours. Savory AND sweet.
Don’t step to Dirty Ton’.
Completely not-true fact about Dirty Tony: Secretly enjoys serving microwavable Italian food to the players and suggesting they’re from his secret gluten-free recipes.
#7 - Administration Daniel “The Autumn Breeze” August
While his time at Dartmouth is shrouded in mystery, Rams Owner Stan Kroenke was reportedly thrilled to land this Morgan Stanley alum in the 2016 staff rookie class. August’s prime achievement came in developing the database of babies for NFL marketing to target with the NFL Newborn Fan Club.
Completely not-true fact about the Autumn Breeze: Really likes Young Thug’s new mixtape, but thought the second verse of Harambe was a little “on the nose.” Still, was a pretty impressive output for an musician who is clearly coming into his own and refuses to adhere to industry conventions. And if Sara “Doogie Howser” Dugan tries to ever claim again that Future is somehow more talented, will have her sent back to the Lake Elsinore Storm. Future is a rapper. Young Thug is an artist. Don’t trip, Doogie.
#6 - Scouting Assistant John “Every Kiss Begins“ McKay
Whatever. John’s just happy to have a job. Screw you guys.
Completely not-true fact about EKB: Minecraft. Non-stop. 24/7.
#5 - Administration Lauren “Deathbringer“ Wiedmeier
Behind those eyes lies the end. The end of all mankind.
Completely not-true fact about Death Incarnate: Owns more than 4,000 antique rifles.
#4 - Communications Tiffany “Lil’ Scratchy“ White
(This text redacted)
Completely not-true fact about Lil Scratchy: Had 13 carries for 86 yards and a touchdown in 2013.
#3 - Video Operations “The Wizard” Jeremy Wiczek
A silent assassin. Wiczek is as cold with the tape as he is on it. Reportedly made over 100 edits in less than a minute on the deck last year with the Bruins. He is “THE” final cut pro (VIDEO EDITING HUMOR GET OFF ME).
Completely not-true fact about the Wizard: Squats more than most of the players on the Rams’ current roster.
#2 - Football Information Technology Ryan “Dolla Boi“ Garlisch
Get money, kid.
Garlisch been about stacks. Last week, I swear, Garlotta musta pushed at least a twinkle. Shmoney has calls from Switzerland on hold.
Paper, paper, paper.
Completely not-true fact about Benjamin Franklin Pockets: Has four goatees.
#1: Mary from Payroll
Editorial note: The Rams employ hundreds of people every year. The staff employed on a full-time basis identified in the media report are a rarely-acknowledged group. On behalf of the TST Staff, we’d like to sincerely thank them for their hard work in their part in helping us as fans enjoy Rams football.
But seriously. Stay away from Lauren. Pretty sure she’ll cut a bitch.