For...for how many years...I don’t know. Since the beginning of time, Drew Magary has explained why every NFL team sucks every year over at Deadspin. It’s an annual ritual, to vomit up all the reasons why every team is horrible and why their fans suck and why everything about them is deserving of utter and complete contempt.
Today, Magary offered his take on why the Rams suck, and I’m sure Rams fans will not overreact one bit and employ their entire senses of humor and nope. That is not what will happen.
Here are your highlights, though I thoroughly recommend everyone give it a read and channel their full nude, mad online selves (these are paraphrased from the piece, not my opinions, BUT DON’T LET THAT STOP YOU RAMS SOCIAL MEDIA I EXPECT YOUR VERY BEST VITRIOL ON THIS IT’S PRESEASON LET’S GET THIS BUS MOVING):
- Rams Owner Stan Kroenke is a douchebag:
Right now, there is no NFL owner—not even Dan Snyder—who deserves failure more than this squirrel pelt of a man. Thankfully, the team he happens to own is perpetually capable of making all his worst nightmares come true.
- Rams Head Coach Jeff Fisher is a shitbag:
Jeff Fisher is Hell’s interim coach.
- Rams QB Jared Goff is an assbag:
Every quarterback in football looks like an 80s movie villain but Jared Goff looks like the MOST 80s movie villain. I can already picture him cramping out of a diving meet just to teach that little runt Jason Melon a lesson he’ll never forget. Goff represents your standard off-year No. 1 pick at QB, à la Alex Smith, Tim Couch, and such and such. He’s gonna suck very, very hard, and sell lots and lots of Pantene in the process.
- The Rams’ new home, Los Angeles, is the baggiest bag of all:
Frankly, L.A. deserves to have the most anonymous NFL team this side of the Titans come limping into town. For two decades now, L.A. has stuck its leg out and tried to entice the NFL at the expense of nearly a dozen other cities. St. Louis got fucked because of L.A. San Diego is in the process of being fucked by L.A. Minnesota spent a billion dollars it didn’t have because of the threat of L.A. Like the Rams, L.A. has gleefully shit on every last dinner plate during this relocation process. And now they’re stuck with the worst possible franchise as a result. The Rams were an afterthought during their time in Anaheim. I bet your average L.A. resident is more excited for the eighth installment of theDivergent series than watching this funeral procession of a team.
The best part is often the mail that Magary receives every year of fans of each team explaining why their team is so absolutely, profoundly sucky. This year’s mail is no different.
It’s a tradition unlike any other. No, not the Masters. Why Your Team Sucks.
Here’s hoping the next few years quit giving Magary so much damn material to work with.