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2015 NFL Draft: So You Want Wild, Eh?

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It all starts at #2 overall with the Tennessee Titans...

Cleveland just can't resist. They know Johnny Manziel is one of those draft day picks destined for the Ryan Leaf Hall of Fame. Owner Jimmy Haslam III wants who he wants. Trading away the #12 and #19 picks - plus the Browns' 1st and second round picks in 2016 - they move up and select Jameis Winston... Yes, Tampa Bay has some last second stomach growls and takes Marcus Mariota first overall. Come on! You have to love the potential for off field laughs with Winston and Manziel on the same team, right?

Jacksonville gets a phone call from the St. Louis Rams' Les Snead. They offer #10 overall, a 2016 first rounder and the recently acquired 2nd from the Eagles next year to move up. Owner Shahid Khan jumps at the offer. The Rams select Dante Fowler, DE/OLB, Florida.

Tennessee seems willing to part with some of their new found draft pick wealth to move up to #4? They call Oakland's Mark Davis who's just finished cutting his own hair and removing the bowl from his head that allows for that perfect shape. "So, we get #12 in the 1st, your second round pick this year, and the Browns 1st pick in 2016? Hmm?" He glances at his GM Reggie McKenzie, who's eating Tums by the hand full, "OK, let's do it!" Tennessee selects Leonard Williams, DE/DT, USC...

Washington can't figure out why their phone isn't ringing with trade offers? Owner Dan Snyder makes a call to his buddy in the "Big Easy", Tom Benson. He gets Sean Peyton on the phone instead, who offers the Saints' #13 and #31 picks to move up. Danny Boy takes the deal. The Saints select: Kevin White, WR, UWV.

The Jets HAVE to beat the Patriots at something - ANYTHING - this season. The war room phone rings, and GM Mike Mccagnan is told New England is calling? "Hello?"

"Yes, is 'zis Mikey?" the sultry voice asks.

Yes, who is this?"

"'Zis is Billy Belechick? Who else would it be you crazy boy?"

Mike stared at the phone, then heard whoever this was yell, "Ach Tung! Both of you be silent, or I vill get the genital hammer!"

"Zee reason I'm calling Jets today is to trade wis you, ya?"

Um... Bill? You sound funny? Has your voice gotten lower?"

"Vat kind of thing to say is zis? You shop the trade, or no?"

"Mike shrugged, "OK, what are you offering?"

"I gives you four... NO, FIVE of these first round picks to shop at the #6 place, ya?"

Mike leaned forward on the war room table. "Er, uh... You're offering the New England #32 this year, and their first round picks over the next four years for our #6 pick?"

"Yes! Zis is what I'm sayings to you... Plus, I can get you back stage at Fashion Week. Lots of the naked-s womens for you to see, ya?"

Mike knew New England's picks were tantamount to high second rounders every year. But the Fashion Week thing sealed the deal. "Done!"

Back in New England, Giselle hung up the phone. "See how easy zis was? Now get my Tommy a receiver who catches the balls..." Bill and Tom - sitting on the floor next to her - just nodded. They select: DaVante Parker, WR, Louisville

As the first round wears on, Dan Snyder is now running for his life. Jay Gruden had barred Snyder from the war room, but the wily owner had the phones re-routed to his office. His head coach had learned of the trade when it was announced from the podium in Chicago. He calms down a bit when Dan tells him he now has two first round picks, and a new car of his choice if he'll stop hitting him... The office phone rings, and it's Carolina. They want to move up to #13, since no one has taken Alabama's Amari Cooper. They offer #25, their second round pick, and a 2nd rounder in 2016 and 2017. Gruden makes the call, and the Panther take the pro-ready wide receiver.

...During this flurry of trades, Mel Kiper's hair spontaneously com-busts. Mike Mayock gets stuck in mind-salad mode, and keeps repeating "This is a guy, This is a guy, This is a guy...". Rich Eisen can't stop laughing on NFL "LIVE", and Rodger Goodell jots down a note to have random testing in draft day war rooms as something to consider... The in studio camera pans to draft analyst Bucky Brooks, who shrugs and says, "Thus..." then leaves the stage...