It was nice not being tactical on field-ops. We had a fire going and we had time to "savor" our MREs, instead of the normal routine of packing the whole thing in your mouth inside of five minutes.
We were lounging in relative comfort, huddled around the fire and leisurely eating our freeze-dried, vacuum-packed delicacies and of course, shooting the breeze about drinking escapades and the always popular skirt-chasing adventures. Our rifles rested easy beside us.
Corporal Bernd had the floor...[edited for adult content]
"So, we decided to rent a car to head up to London for the weekend. Man, we are already three sheets to the wind! So, we rent this car and Parson's was drivin' see? I don't know what road we were on...just some damn road in the middle of like, Sussex or something...and Parson's had that thing floored!"
"What kind of car was it?" It was Shearer, who looked kind of bored by the story.
"Hell, I don't know. Maybe a Renault? But anyway, we were doin' like 90 on this straight stretch with some Skynrd cranked and then all of a sudden- SCREEEEEEeeeee! Sideways around this corner! Then we rolled that sucker, man...and right in the middle of the "Freebird" jam."
"What jam in "Freebird?"
Corporal Bernd looked at me with tortured shock, "Duuuude....are you serious?"
* * * * *
Here's what you've all been waiting for Rockomaniacs! The absolute and definitive ten worst songs in Rock n' Roll history!
10. [Everything by Has-Beens] The 80s were flooded with washed-up, former 70s rockers trying desperately to ride their own coattails back to the top. Examples (Here, here and here)
are too numerous to list, but the standard was set by-
Tall Cool One, Robert Plant
9. All Right Now, Free
Nothing is alright when this crap is forced into your ears.
8. Jeremy, Pearl Jam
The best brains at Boeing, Messerschmitt-Bölkow-Blohm and NASA have been attempting to create a device to measure the suck in this song. So far- no luck.
7. Sussudio, Phil Collins
This loser managed to get not one, but two songs in the top ten! Or is that, the bottom ten? I don't know. What I do know is this thing (I can't call it a song), sucks from the get-go and should be exterminated with extreme prejudice.
6. The Pretender, Foo Fighters
This sucks like Jack the Bear and his wife Jill.
5. Summer of '69, Bryan Adams
It. Just. Won't. Go away! "Oooh! Look how cool I was back in high school!" Is anything more pathetic?
4. Kashmir, Led Zeppelin
And you thought (hoped) we were done with the Zep? This song has the suck power of a black hole. Although, I think they actually used TWO chords in this one!
3. In the Air Tonight, Phil Collins
This song is used to torture the poor souls in Hell for all eternity...also Gitmo, but I don't really care about that.
2. Aqualung, Jethro Tull
An entire cacophony of crap. Ian Anderson, "It's quite a tortured tangle of chords..."
And here it comes. The single, uncontested, champion of all that is suck...The song that sucks more than anything has ever sucked in the history of suck...[drum roll]...
1. Turn the Page, Bob Seger
So, let me see if I understand you...you are a millionaire rockstar, traveling around and bedding teenage groupies every other night...and I am supposed to feel sorry for you? Riiiight.
Rock n' Roll is not the deepest of mediums, I get that- but this? This is beyond...like way beyond the pale. This is a bottomless pit of self-absorption. A level of self-worship that will be recorded amongst the gods and poets until the Sun flames brightly and then, with great agony and wailing, withers into the deep and forever darkness.
And there we are Rockomaniacs! All 100 of the worst, most reprehensible, the most rancid, rancorous and disgusting tunes that Rock n' Roll has ever coughed up from it's vile innards!