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St. Louis Rams' 5-Step Plan to Success In 2015

Football is a science. And the only way to succeed is by having a winning formula. Here’s a super serious 5-step offseason plan for the St. Louis Rams in 2015.

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Step 1:  Relocate Brian Schottenheimer

A better opportunity came about for Brian Schottenheimer; one that will help him further his career in professional football.  Yeah...that’s what happened.

Step 2:  Cut Old People

The Rams will, forever be, the youngest team in the NFL.  If you’re NFL old...then you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.  Get in where you fit in.  Rehab in the infinity pool of free agency, geezers.  We’re looking at you Scott Wells and Chris Long’s brother.

Step 3: Draft a 5th Round QB to Make Fans Feel Comfy

Odds are Garrett Gilbert won’t stick with the New England Patriots. They’ll need someone else to give a Super Bowl ring in 2016, and Sean Mannion is probably their guy.  After Austin Davis earns the 3rd and final spot on the roster, the Rams’ 5th round pick will most likely be headed to New England.  It doesn’t really matter, because the true plan is to...

Step 4: F 'Step 3,' Then Go HAM with Sam

And you know this, MAN!

Step 5:  Say Stuff to Make Believers Out of ‘Em

"Bradford’s coming along nicely in rehab. Looks as healthy as ever."
"We’re really expecting big things out of Barrett Jones this year."
"What Frank Cignetti’s doing for our offense should show vast improvement."
"There are no more doubles for Janoris to bite on."
"We’re working diligently to find Zac Stacy."
"We’re confident Davin Joseph can once again play at a Pro Bowl level.  He’s OUTSTANDING"
"To play football in LA, it’s the place to be. You’ve got to be there to know it. What everybody wanna see."
"We’re looking for Kenny Britt to be more involved in 2015....on Instagram."
"We’re handing over the in-game music responsibilities to DJ Shithouse."