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Rams 6, Vikings 34: Rams Embrassed In Season Opener

That...was bad.

Michael Thomas


Here is a list of things that are bad:

  • The Rams were already without franchise QB Sam Bradford, as they will be all season. Shaun Hill played poorly in the first half. Austin Davis played poorly in the second half. They each threw an interception.
  • The Rams' rushing attack, the presumed heartbeat of the offensive strategy, involved Zac Stacy, Benny Cunningham and Tavon Austin. They combined for 69 yards on 19 carries. If this was the first football game you've ever seen, those are known as "not good" running totals.
  • I got shot once. I was young and I got shot in the knee. It was not good.
  • The Rams finished with 13 penalties. Technically, they committed more infractions but some were declined by the Vikings. It's like going to a buffet. You gotta hit the steak, the shrimp. Get your money's worth. Don't get full on broccoli florets you berk.
  • Cordarrelle Patterson had an incredibly 67-yard scamper on which he broke roughly 441 tackles. He is making Vikings fans very happy. Tavon Austin had 5 yards rushing, 34 yards receiving and 24 yards on punt returns. Two bobbled fumbles mixed in there as well. Feel free to discuss.
  • My mom makes this drink with Crown Royal and like three different kinds of fruit juice. But mostly Crown Royal because, well, Louisiana. This one time when I was in college, I went to mama's place for the weekend. I woke up on Saturday at about 7 am and stumbled to the fridge. I thought I grabbed a container of grape drink. It was not grape drink. Chugging Crown Royal unknowingly at 8am combines a physical and psychological response that overwhelms your entire capability to remain in control of your nervous system. That was also bad, but it is also analogous to this football game.

There was not a lot of good once the defense got worn down and the Vikings figured out a couple ways to get the ball downfield. Now, the Rams have to reset and figure out how in the hell they're going to go to Tampa and get a road win before this season begins spiraling into an absolute disaster.