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Front Office Fiction: Two Times The Crazy...

Joe Robbins

The door of the conference room flew open. As it banged off the door stop to slam shut once again, for the briefest moment, the form of a crazy eyed blonde woman could be seen by the three men in the room. They looked at one another, and smiled. It was the third time in the last two minutes the door had quickly opened and closed, and they had turned their chairs to watch it happen again and again. Kevin Demoff - the St. Louis Rams' vice president and C.O.O. - had building maintenance install a new door for the meeting room, with return spring hinges to close the door automatically. The springs he'd requested were heavy, and reacted relative to the force applied to them. He'd done this with one person in mind...

"You think she'll figure it out?" Asked Les Snead, the Rams' general manager.

"Give it a second," Jeff Fisher began to laugh.

Kevin shook his head. "Next time, I'm betting she tries to dive through the doorway..." He stopped talking when they heard a knock on the door. He smiled, and asked, "Who is it?"

"It's me..." Derinda Platt growled from the other side of the door.

"Me who?" Jeff asked.

"It's Derinda, and you better tell whoever's slamming this door in my face that I'm goin' to kick his ass!" She began to pound the heavy oak door with her tiny fists.

"I give you my word, there's no one behind the door Derinda. But I did see Gregg Williams throw some kind of powder in the air, and whisper something to it? He was carrying this little blonde doll, with all these pins sticking out of it?" The three men chuckled as they waited for a response.

"He did?" Derinda backed away from the door, eyeing it with suspicion. She reached out a hand - finger extended - closing one eye and grimacing as it came in contact with the door. A booming slam on the door made her literally jump in the air as she screamed, then flee down the hall. She bowled over an intern who'd been blocking her escape route.

Les walked back to the conference table. He'd seen Derinda's shadow under the door, and had pounded it with his fist. He recalled all the times Derinda had driven him nuts over the last couple years,  and the scream he'd heard made him smile with satisfaction.

"That was mean!" Kevin said through his laughter. "You think she's given up?" Both Jeff and Less gave him "You've got to be kidding me" looks.

"Oh, she'll be back..." Jeff chuckled.

"I think we've found her Kryptonite though... Why does she think Gregg's into Voodoo?" Les asked as he reflexively ran his fingers through his hair.

"I may have mentioned what Gregg was doing - during his little time off from the league - had something to do with living in the Louisiana bayou with a Voodoo priestess..." Kevin said with a smile.

"You may have mentioned it?" Jeff chortled.  His head turned to the door. The sound of two people arguing came through loud and clear.

"I didn't put a hex on any damn door, you whack-a-doodle!" Gregg broke free from Derinda's hold on his belt. She'd grabbed him from behind, and had half dragged him backwards down the hall to the conference room.

"Oh, reeeeally?" Derinda shoved Gregg right up next to the door, then with her other hand she opened it, and gave it a mighty heave. The door flew inward, slammed off the door stop, and then flashed back into Gregg's face.

'Son of a bitch..." Gregg held his nose. He glared at Derinda, then back at the door. "Huh?" He reached out a finger to touch the door. A loud bang just as his hand came in contact with the door caused another scream, a "Holy Shiii...!" and the sound of four feet running back down the hall.

When Les returned to his seat, the three men in the conference room were laughing so hard, one of them slid out of his chair onto the floor. They barely noticed the door slowly open, and Jeff Fisher's executive assistant walk in. She stood looking at her boss, Kevin and Les. "I quit!" She threw some file folder she'd been carrying onto the table.

Jeff wiped tears away, and tried to stop laughing as her words began to register. "Wait... What? Why are you quitting?"

"You know, I really love my job. But you three idiots just created a fringin' monster that's going to drive me crazy!" She slumped into a chair, and covered her face.

Kevin's laughter subsided immediately, and he studied the secretary he'd  known for years. "What monster?" He said, then felt his throat go dry at her answer.

"Derinda is crazy enough, but whatever you three morons just did has her joining forces with that bat-crap-crazy defensive coordinator you hired. They're on there way to have some waffles, and decide how they're going to retaliate... I just can't do it... Those two will probably blow up the building..." She covered her face once again, and began maniacally laugh. "You guys are sooo screwed!" She said, then ran out of the room toward the building entrance...

Jeff looked at Les, who looked at Kevin. He looked at his head coach and general manager, smiled, then bolted for the door. "I'm outta here!"

Les slowly rose from his chair, placed both hands on his hair, and ran after Kevin. "I'm going to take a few days off," he yelled over his shoulder to Fisher.

Jeff Fisher just sat there for a few moments. He thought about Derinda, then how absolutely nuts his long time friend Gregg Williams could be at times. "Holy crap..." He left the room, and went to his office. He closed the door, walked to his desk and sat down. Looking out the window, he sighed. "This is going to hurt, isn't it?" He said to the heavens above him. In answer, he heard the rubble of thunder from off in the distance. "Damn..."


In case you're interested, here's Gregg Williams coaching resume... Have a great weekend!