The real reason Jake Long picked the Rams

Peter King found a way to squeeze in the St. Louis Rams and Jake Long into his weekly blovations about coffee, the sacred rituals of baseball and the columnist's place in the universe.

(There's no need for me to take on the absurdity of King's column, not when the good people over at Kissing Suzy Kolber have made an art form out of poking at the pompousness of "Kinglandia.")

King offers a little insight into why the Rams were able to land Long over the Dolphins. Guess what, it's not because St. Louis' riverscape beats the beaches of Miami. It's because Jeff Fisher is way cooler than crazy old Joe Philbin, or something like that.

"One of our players texted Jake and told him he'd retire if he had to play for any other coach besides Jeff,'' Rams GM Les Snead texted me late Sunday night. "Jeff gets veterans to Sunday ready to play ... Gets them to December ready to play ... So yes, he knows how to keep vets fresh physically, mentally and spiritually as good as anyone in the NFL."

There you have it, reported in that classic King manner where the author inserts himself at the center of the story.

I'm not buying it. Sure, I get that Fisher's presence probably had something to do with Long's decision, a lot to do with it. But here's what I suspect to be the real reason he picked St. Louis:

Sprinklers.