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St. Louis Rams: 'Dubs Is Right; It's All About Accounting...

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Andy Lyons

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times, than 54 goes into 18."

Accountants! What a fun loving, knee slapping bunch they are, right? If you catch them when they're "in season", by which I mean between January 1st and April 15th, they can be a rutting brood. But the rest of the year, they're just like everyone else. Like my good friend RamFan1313 (a.k.a: Frank), who writes me e-mails in some kind withholding/exemption code, and drops hints about exciting tax shelter opportunities with a Nigerian Prince he knows...

My kind of accounting is different. Receipts are - I'm told - a thing of the past. So I've gone paperless, and I throw receipts away. Write-offs for me are a simple thing: Anything I delete is a loss, right? So I write it off on my taxes. The preposition "THAT" should be saving Brandon Bate (DC) millions, and my refund every year reflects a goodly amount of $$$ on the "other expenses" line on my return. I got a call from those happy tax folks not long ago:

"Mr. Morrison? I'm calling to ask you about a few of your expenses on your return?"

"Well, when I return, you can ask me anything you want..."

"No, Mr. Morrison. Your TAX return. It says here you deducted eleven-ty jillion dollars for grammar, syntax, babbles, and Cheetos?"

"Yes, and knowing my country needs all the money it can find, I left off titches, and words like: "Gleasle", which is sadly not recognized by Webster's."

A long pause, filled with silence... "Um, you can't write off words..."

"I know how you feel. It pains me to delete anything, but it's the cost of doing business in this nutty little world of ours. Am I right?"

"OK, let's move on. You list some dependents who aren't related to you, and you don't send them money of any kind. In fact, one of them, this Derinda Platt, doesn't have a social security number or address? When was she born?"

"I've been meaning to call you guys about that too. She was born a couple years ago, and works for the St. Louis Rams. Her address is in my computer."

"Wait...What? How could she be working if she's only two or three years old?"

"I'm guessing she had one heck of an interview, plus I can write her in my sleep."

"That's sick!... Call ends...

But there are different ways to account for any number of things. For instance, Tavon Austin has changed how opposing defensive coordinators have to plan for the St. Louis Rams. Zac Stacy started the numbers windfall, when he established the running game. In the game against Indianapolis, their defensive line was held in check most of the day by the threat of the 5'8" former Vanderbilt and SEC star running back. As "Dubs would no doubt say, the Rams acquired an asset, and opposing teams have to account for him with players who could normally help out in other areas. Now, Tavon Austin has added to the cost of playing the Rams, and as the team adds others to their asset list, the offense's ability to thrive will increase. See, accounting is fun, dammit!

I can see big things coming for Chris Givens and Jared Cook in the next few weeks. Austin will start to draw safety help, and Zac Stacy will help hold in linebackers. Givens has the speed to double move and slant toward a cheating safety concentrating on Austin. Jared Cook will have better opportunities in the area between the safeties and linebackers, or draw single coverage.

All season long, the media and Rams' fans have been waiting - sometimes impatiently - for the obvious weapons on the Rams' to do something. Learning curves aren't just for people, there're in playbooks too. How do you take an exceptionally gifted player like Tavon Austin, and fit him into a play book designed for a given talent level? How do you do it, without overwhelming him? It takes time and experimentation. I've been hard on Brian Schottenheimer, and will continue to be while he susses his offensive scheme out to include the boatload of talent on the Rams' roster. While I can't blame him for moving slow, the training wheels have to come off this talented groups of players at some point.

Now, I wonder if those tax folks will disallow my claiming DC on my taxes? I listed him as "severely disabled in mind, if not body due to Pilates and Tofu"?

A business owner was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."

The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question."

The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

*** The accounting jokes - courtesy of***