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3k's Fantasy Football Guide of Champions

Fantasy football will challenge players on every logical level. (<a href="" target="new">via</a>)
Fantasy football will challenge players on every logical level. (via)

Since fantasy football is the topic du jour (or is it au jus? I always get those two confused), I thought I'd put down my handy dandy guide to winning fantasy football.

You may be asking yourself, "3k, why are you the authority on fantasy football? I thought you just knew pork and socks." While that is true, I was also the champion of the TST Fantasy Football league in 2010 and 2011. I also chipped on a podcast on fantasy football last Friday, so I pretty much know everything about fantasy football. Now, though, it's time to give back.

As the late great philosopher Chris "Notorious B.I.G." Wallace once said:

I've been in this game for years, it made me an animal
It's rules to this *stuff, I wrote me a [fantasy football] manual

* He did not say "stuff".

I too have been in this game for years. This fantasy football game, I mean, not selling crack. And it's really popular now. There are more than 24 fantasy football leagues in 2012.

So bequeath my knowledge unto you. Follow these tips, and you'll have the respect of your family and community in no time. Here are four no-fail, 100%, guaranteed rules for becoming a Fantasy Football Champion.

Rule #A: Your Team Should Start Where the Ball Is - Under Center

I've seen a lot of hemmin' and hawin' over whether you should take a QB or RB with your first round pick. Let me put it like this. Say you're in a 10-team league. If every team takes either a QB or a RB in the first round, then nine out of ten teams who take a QB or a RB in the first round will LOSE! You can't fight math, you can only hope to contain him or something like that.

Throw your opponents into a tizzy by taking a short snapper with your first overall pick. Those quarterbacks aren't going to be throwing many touchdowns if the short snapper doesn't get them the ball, ya dig?

3k's pick: Will Montgomery, Washington Redskins. Montgomery connected on an impressive 99.82% of his snaps last season. Jeepers creepers!

Rule #B: Pay Attention to Injuries

So you're excited you landed that big name player who's going to put up hundreds of points for you. Then out of nowehere, whoopsadoodle his leg goes snap and will be out for the rest of the season. Now your fantasy team is as hurt as his besnapped leg.

I really can't stress this enough, fellers. When it's man down, it's Internet Explorer window up with your league's waiver wire at the ready!

3k's pick: Sprained knee. These are always good for picking up players you really don't want on your team. Think WR Carlton Mitchell (3 rec, 31 rec yds) or RB Anthony Allen (3 rush att, 8 rush yds). Welcome to the clubhouse, gents!

Rule #C: Think Like a Champion

Everybody knows Notre Dame is the best college football team in the continent. What's their secret? That sign they all slap on the way to the field that says, "Play like a champion today!" Well if you want to be the Notre Dame of fantasy football, you have to start thinking like a fantasy football champion.

Talk to that friend of a friend who won his league back in 2007. What was he wearing? What was his hygiene routine? No detail is insignificant here. It's all part of the lifestyle of being a champion. You've got to be on a fantasy football champion diet. You have to sleep in a fantasy football champion bed. Get your mind right!

3k's pick: Bacon. I haven't met a single fantasy football champion who doesn't like bacon. Oh, what's that? Correlation/causation fallacies? As long as it goes with bacon, I think you'll be fine. And two notes: normal pork side bacon. Not that turkey crap and not any kind of freaky bacon derivative like back bacon, aka Canadian Bacon. And second, just normal fried bacon strips. No bacon-related products, like say bacon vodka. If you want to have a drink with your bacon, make a Mitch Morgan.

Rule #D: Don't Pick a St. Louis Ram

No, seriously. Don't. Not if you want to win.