clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Turf Show Times: What's A Girl To Do?

Since the beginning of time, it’s been well documented that star athletes, especially QB’s, get the ‘it girl Whether it be the head cheerleader, the most popular (or famous) girl, or a saucy number who just so happens to have a 4.0 GPA - the force of magnetism simply cannot be denied. Ladies, if you dare to be hot, Cupid will find you, and he will coerce you to learn more about football than Mardy Gilyard can ever comprehend. I’ll dare you to resist, as his wallet has a few million reasons that you’ll re-consider.

Let’s take a look at a few of sports finest ‘opposite poles,’ their inability to beat science (and a chubby, arrow-slinging angel), and what that means for one NFL quarterback by...let’s say...week 6.

Joe Dimaggio and Marilyn Monroe

According to her autobiography, Marilyn Monroe originally did not want to meet DiMaggio, fearing that he was a stereotypical arrogant athlete.
Haha! I just said it’s science...You had no choice, Marilyn! Are you even listening?

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria

Your ability to play on a team with Tim Duncan won you three NBA Championships. That, coupled with your ability to speak French, won you Eva Longoria. Call Timmy D. and see if he can help get your ex-wife back....imbécile. Cheaters never prosper

Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker

‘Shew!’ Roddick said. ‘Thank goodness Pete Sampras is retired!’ This just goes to show that even 'the best of what’s around’ can still make it happen. Pray that Mardy Fish doesn’t make a run on Nadal and Djokovic

Tiger Woods and ______whoever________

Play on, playa! No, seriously......please do your thing. Golf needs you!

Mike Fisher and Carrie Underwood

You’re a genius. I cannot hate on a guy that sniffs out a suga mama. Just retire’re like the 157th best player in the NHL.

Tom Brady and Gisele

Is that the guy from Titanic? Just kidding. Tom, I wish you were bad at something. But you’re not...You wake up every morning and piss excellence.

….but now we get to the point of this post, and I apologize for getting distracted. I hope you can understand....

Mark Sanchez and Kate Upton

Houston Mark, we have a problem! That problem is your on field performance. Let’s face it,’re not very good. Much to the dismay of TST fans from the west siiiide (use your Tupac voice on that one), you’ve been just another USC QB that hasn’t panned out when you stepped up to the big leagues. A bust? No, not yet. But let’s face the facts, Mark Brunell isn’t quite the looker he once was.

Enter Tebow. By my estimation Sanchize, in the market that you currently find yourself employed, I’m going to give you 6 games before Tim Tebow largely chips away at your starting snaps. I’m guessing that the Jets are 2-4 at the time, having only beaten the Dolphins and Colts, and in dire need of change heading into week 7 at New England. Best case scenario, you’re 3 and 3 with a win over Buffalo in your season opener. The NY fans, however, can be very unforgiving knowing that your defense is carrying the team, all the while watching their Super Bowl aspirations be crushed by your lack of offensive production. The covergirl for SI’s swimsuit issue doesn’t want to be meandering around with a backup QB, does she?

The guy has found a way to win in this league, even with as much criticism as he receives. You may remember, as I’m sure you were sitting at home watching, that he took the Broncos to the second round of the playoffs last year. Are you worried? No? You sure? At any rate, Mark, I’m just speculating at this point. I fear for you though, my friend. A standup guy, a great student, a man of faith, a motivator, a modest person who gives back to all kinds of communities, and the starting QB for the New York Jets......there aren’t many - excluding Brady - that can match that kind of resume.

Simply put...I’m about to buy tickets to the Rams home game in week 11, and I expect to see Kate a #15 jersey.