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Turf Show Times - The 2012 Author Draft

You missed the SBNation author draft, didn't you? Well let me tell you, it was some kind of exciting. The TST draft team traveled to Kentucky's newest resort hotel/convention center (see brochure pic to the right). While there wasn't much in the way of media present, I'm told by a source from deep inside SBN's corporate headquarters they kept the location of the draft secret. "We don't want Yahoo Sports and Sports Illustrated trying to steal our guys. They write for free, so they're cheap."

The Commissioner for the draft, Vox Media's CEO Jim Bankoff, took the stage - the diving board of a moss covered, above ground swimming pool - in fine fashion. Wearing a Uni-bomber hoody and dark glasses, a bottle of Blanton's Bourbon clutched to his chest, he announced the beginning of the draft - then fell in the pool...

The TST War Room had done there draft homework. Taking a page from the Rams recent 2012 NFL Draft, we went small school, while other sites took slugs from places like Harvard, Yale, and USC. Ryan Van Bibber had built a SBN Bowl Champion, so we held the 32nd pick in the first round. Did I mention there was only one round? Whoops! My bad!

The way the draft worked is each team wrote the names of the authors they wanted on a piece of paper, put in an envelope with $8 (in our case we substituted coupons for the Hill Billy Museum two miles down the dirt road from the hotel) and passed it to Spencer Hall, who seemed to be wondering from table to table...

Our choices?

- Like the NFL Draft, we do research into the seedy pasts of any potential draftee. I headed East to find out about DC. My first stop was in Kentucky, DC's home state. Three days - and twenty mason jars filled with a popular local beverage later - I found myself in the Yugo on the side of the road just over the state line.

I headed to Our nation's capital, and talked to a few people about DC.
"Brandon? He writes? Get outta here!" This is a quote from a guy I found in the "Nails, Screws and Really Nice Furniture" isle in the Lowes Home Improvement store DC rules with an iron fist. It turns out the guy works for Brandon, and when he said "Get otta here!", he really meant it. When the police released me, I tried to get a comment from his wife, but she wouldn't let me in the house to talk - citing something about a late night phone call I'd made just before the NFL Draft and my fondness for dancing "The Stanky Leg"?

- Researching Joe was interesting. I met with him at his office, and we could have talked for hours. Great guy, and a First Sargent in the Army to boot! He's served in Afganistan, Bosnia, and Iraq. As we spoke, he slid a few papers in front of me. He said he wanted my autograph, so I signed my name a bunch of times. (Note to self: Check EBay for price of my signature).

We shook hands, and he said he'd have a nice looking lady corporal give me a ride. Even though the Yugo was parked right outside, I got in Corporal Upton's car, and we drove away. She dropped me off in front of an Army base, where two huge military policemen tried to drag me into the base. It turns out I wasn't signing autographs, but a variety of documents. I not only enlisted in the Army, but I also confessed to being a member of the Taliban, al-Qaeda, some Basque Separatists group, the Communist Party, and I bought $23,712 worth of Amway products.

Rick Siegel
- Since I was now on a no fly list courtesy of Joe, I drove out west to Las Vegas, Nevada. Rick lives in the glitzy, gambling Mecca of the world. As I drove the Yugo up the famous Las Vegas Strip, and I knew my fortune had changed. I found a clothing shop on the Strip, and changed out of the bright orange POW coveralls. I checked into the Belagio, and gave Rick a call. We arranged to meet at his office, which as it turned out to be in the casino of my hotel. We met in the poker room, and decided to play a few hand of Texas Hold 'em while we spoke about his future as an author for TST.

When we sat down at the poker table, it seems the casino really liked Rick. They positioned to very large men right in back of his chair. I bought $200 in chips. Rick gave the pitboss a small wave, and a tray of chips, with $500 stamped on each them, was slid across the felt table. I complimented Rick on his attire. The gold chains around his neck, four huge gold and diamond rings on his hands and the velour track suit he was wearing all seem to remind me of something? When I asked Rick if he'd ever seen the TV series "The Sopranos", he and the two large men began to laugh.

I asked Rick about where he learned to write, and who his favorite writing professor was in college. When he said it had taken him 5 to 10 years to create his writing style, and that someone named "RICO Act" was responsible, Rick and the two men exchanged high-fives as they chuckled...

I'd tell you about Joe Mazzi, who has been an author here for a few months now, but he's in witness protection. Hmm? I see a trend building? That whole "Pillars" thing seems to be going out of style?


The TST staff is honored to have these four exceptionally talented writers joining us in the quest to make TST even better. Welcome aboard guys!