NFL picks, Week 13: Ready to settle?

These are my picks for Week 13. They are virtually guaranteed to be right. You should not use them for gambling purposes. I don't want it on my conscious when you blow your last bill on NFL bets because of my picks and your kid has to settle for an education at Brown or, gulp, Vassar.

Saints vs. Falcons

The rare Thursday Night Football matchup that doesn't totally suck. Maybe. Either one of these teams is capable of laying an egg, and the Falcons haven't played well since losing to the Saints. It shouldn't be a huge problem this time.

Falcons win.

Seahawks vs. Bears

Seattle has one win on the road this season. One. Chicago's offensive line looks like an easy target for Seattle's tough defense. Then again, Chicago's offensive line stinks every week, but the Bears are 8-3 thanks to the league's best defense and a Jay Cutler who doesn't get enough credit.

Bears win.

Texans vs. Titans

I wonder how much Bud Adams regrets letting Jeff Fisher go? Vince Young? Neither one would have much chance with this Titans teams against the Texans.

Texans win.

Patriots vs. Dolphins

Massacre in Miami. Can the sprinklers save the Dolphins? No, not unless those sprinklers can keep the Patriots from scoring 300 points this week.

Patriots win.

Jaguars vs. Bills

The Jaguars have a new, veteran defensive end for some strange reason. Why wouldn't a two-win team about to shitcan its general manager pick up a new player and his contract with a month left in the season? It doesn't have to make sense, it's Jacksonville!

Jaguars win because Buffalo is especially pathetic.

Colts vs. Lions

The Lions were a popular preseason pick for deep run into the playoffs. And why not? Matthew Stafford. Calvin Johnson. Ndamukong Suh. Then they almost lost to the Rams and the season, just like the offseason, went to hell right after that. The Colts don't have that much talent, but they also aren't prone to urinating all over themselves when tasked with winning a football game. Oh, and Andrew Luck.

Colts win.

Panthers vs. Chiefs

You mean I have to choose between watching this game or the Jaguars vs. Bills? Totally not fair.

Panthers win.

Vikings vs. Packers

I fully expect Adrian Peterson to pile up another 150 yards. That means nothing against the Packers though. Minnesota is without safety Harrison Smith, among others in the secondary, which means this one should be over by the half.

Packers win.

49ers vs. Rams

Fool. Don't be a jive turkey. You know I'm going to pick the Rams to wrap this one up with a win.

Cardinals vs. Jets

Another headline matchup for Week 13. I'd say that after last week's showing the Jets and Mark Sanchez can do no worse. Then again, I never thought I'd see a butt fumble either. The Jets defense might be enough to win this one though.

Jets win.

Buccaneers vs. Broncos

Tampa Bay's pass defense was already pretty shaky. Put Eric Wright on the shelf for four games as the league's latest ADHD case, and it likely signals the end of the Bucs' short-lived playoff flirtation. Plus, Josh Freeman needs the running game to make the rest of the offense work. Denver can shut that down and make the Bucs struggle.

Broncos win.

Steelers vs. Ravens

It looks like Ben Roethlisberger isn't going to play in this one, which leaves the Steelers with Charlie Batch. Yep.

Ravens win.

Bengals vs. Chargers

Norv!

Bengals win, duh.

Browns vs. Raiders

Excuse me a moment ... LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Raiders win.

Eagles vs. Cowboys

It's over for Andy Reid and Michael Vick in Philly. Vick can at least has a concussion to keep him on the sidelines, while the rest of the world is forced to watch Reid slow walk to the gallows. I hope Philly wins this one though because the freak out in Dallas will trump even the worst of what the Philadelphia sports market can do.

Eagles win.

Giants vs. Redskins

It was a battle of last-minute touchdowns the last time these two teams play, with Eli Manning getting the match point on his final serve. The Giants are playing much better, and Washington's defense is just no match for what the Giants can do when they're dialed in ... not even RGIII can help. More importantly, this keeps the Rams in the running for another high draft pick in the first round next year.

Giants win.