On Tuesday, I tried to elicit the direction of the Rams from their draft class, putting it into a single statement. Today, I'll go around the league and throw the statements of all 32 teams at you, albeit in a more abbreviated form.
And yes, I'm doing this instead of grades this year. Silly grades. This is much more serious.
NFC West
San Francisco 49ers: Dear Alex Smith, you have one more shot. If you can't get it together this year, we're turning the team over to the Transformer, Colin Kaepernick. Please get it done, because Smith is easier to spell than Kaepernick, which is why we took Aldon Smith. Sincerely, Jim. (P.S. If you think I'm joking, I might cut Iupati for too many vowels. Gotta establish a rep in year one.)
Arizona Cardinals: Yeah, we like Marc Bulger. What? What are you laughing at? Stop laughing!
St. Louis Rams: Hello. My name is Josh McDaniels, and I want to eat your team and spit it out and then give you the chewed up team and force you to eat it. At least I'm not addicted to defensive ends like some people (pointing to Spags).
Seattle Seahawks: Hey dudes. Pete Carroll here, just kicking it (brushes hair out of face). So check it out. We needed some big bros on the line, right? So I got big bros! Man, Seattle is so chill. You don't even know, dude. You don't even know.
The rest of the NFL after the jump.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys: We locked Jerry Jones in a closet for the benefit of mankind this year. Since he refuses to let us draft offensive tackles in round 1 and we needed a talent at tackle, we literally locked him in the utility closet. Unfortunately, the heat from the water heater melted his face, so you might not see him for a couple of weeks. You're welcome.
Philadelphia Eagles: Oh yeah. City of Brotherly Love. Independence Hall. You knew we were gonna get the All-American firefighter, baby! USA! USA! US...what? Danny Watkins is Canadian?! Are there redos? Can we trade him for Stanzi?
New York Giants: No, the whole Nigerian thing is not our fault. And yes, this photo was awesome. And so was out draft. Also, gabbagool=capicola.
Washington Redskins: When we heard the guys in Dallas locked Jerry Jones in the utility closet, we were gonna try that with Dan Snyder, but we were afraid he'd sue us and the utility closet and whoever made the lock on the door. So we told him that some writer for a small newspaper in British Columbia had written some bad things about him. While he went off to sue Canada, we actually got to take part in the NFL Draft this year.
NFC North
Chicago Bears: In case you forgot this is Chicago, Gabe Carimi and Stephen Paea on that ass. If we end up losing football games, we'll win Strongest Man competitions. And those are cool too. Remember Magnus ver Magnusson?
Detroit Lions: Ndamukong Suh. Nick Fairley. Thank you, and good night.
Green Bay Packers: Kiss our Super Bowl winning asses. Thank you, and good night.
Minnesota Vikings: You guys are mean. You should be nice to us. We had to put up with Brett Favre for the last two years. And not the Green Bay version.
NFC South
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: All your 3-4 defensive ends are belong to us.
Atlanta Falcons: Holy shit! Have you guys seen this Julio Jones guy? BEST EVAH!!! We were willing to give the Browns 42 draft picks over the next decade, Matt Ryan's first born son, the Georgia Dome and some nice personalized stationery. If you look at it that way, it was a steal!
Carolina Panthers: Cammy Cam Juice. Exclusively sold at your local Harris Teeter. This is how the world ends.
New Orleans Saints: We love us some runnin backs don hyah. We done had dat boi Deuce, ol Reggie, Chris Ibory, Pierre, Ladell Betts still on da go, Julius Jones, Mike Bell was aight - so of coase we grabbed Ingram. Whatchu gon do nah?! (Personal note: I need to go see my family in the boot. Soon.)
AFC West
Denver Broncos: What? Our draft was pedestrian and safe? Last year we took Demaryius Thomas before Dez Bryant and then traded up to take Tim Tebow. Josh McDaniels-led drafts:John Fox-led drafts::running through downtown Denver with your pants on fire while drinking gasoline and heading toward a nuclear plant:sleeping.
San Diego Chargers: Sorry, we don't really pay attention to our drafts. Have you ever been out here? We live in heaven. Football's a distraction from the bikinis.
Kansas City Chiefs: Did we reach for Baldwin? Irrelevant. We have to win the Governor's Cup. Now please excuse us. We have to go console Ricky Stanzi. He wanted to be the guy who killed Osama, and now his dreams have been crushed. He's a really sensitive dude when it comes to America.
Oakland Raiders: (Al Davis bursts through the door) IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! (eats brains, goes back to advising George A. Romero on zombie culture)
AFC East
Buffalo Bills: Why does everyone keep telling us we need a quarterback? Brian Brohm, batches. And let's be honest. This is Buffalo. It's the anti-San Diego. Nobody moves here. Honestly, by the time you finish reading this, you should be out of pity.
Miami Dolphins: Dude, what is with Buffalo? Grow a spine (sniffs white substance). HEATLES, BABY!!!
New York Jets: (Really want to write Rex Ryan jokes, focusing on cursing, not feet. Let's just keep going. J-E-T, aw screw it.)
New England Patriots: We'll trade you our 2nd round pick for your 2nd and 3rd round picks. And we'll trade you our 1st round pick for your 5th round pick for the next 18 years. And we'll trade you this pastrami sandwich for your 6th round pick. Wait, where are you going?
AFC North
Cincinnati Bengals: There's no way A.J. Green will ever be as entertaining/annoying as Ochocinco. And I'm pretty sure Andy Dalton is Carson Palmer.
Cleveland Browns: If you thought Cleveland was boring before, wait until you see what Pat Shumur has planned.
Baltimore Ravens: Ozzie Newsome.
Pittsburgh Steelers: By definition, every draft by the Pittsburgh Steelers is the most boring ever. D-line, OLB, CB, repeat, lather, rinse.
AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: What an un-Colts draft. Linemen aplenty. It should be noted that right now, Peyton is practicing. By himself. In the dark. Without a football.
Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags are the most meh team in the history of meh. And teams. I fully expect Gabbert to be average simply because it's the Jags.
Houston Texans: Think the Texans needed to improve their defense? DE-DE-CB-CB-S...Wade Phillips almost had an emotion.
Tennessee Titans: If they could do it with Vince Young, they can do it with Jake Locker. I hope Titans fans don't like footballs being thrown to receivers hands. But hey, there are worse players than Jake Locker. And accuracy isn't everything. But it is something. What the hell am I trying to say here?
What a great place to end it. Holler.