Labor pains

  So I was just about finished with my preview of the Rams-Jags game when my first child decided to modify her status as "unborn" Saturday night.  Of course she didn't grace the world with her presence until Monday, but that was just long enough to ensure I didn't get to watch the game.  Worse things have happened.  And to those of you who offered your congratulations, thank you.  I will amend my will so that you each get a roll of toilet paper from my estate when I pass.  To those of you who didn't, may your butt be itchy.  A couple reflections on the weekend and first half of this week:

 - Trying to keep up with your team by watching the tiny ass ticker in the top corner of CBS' broadcast is maddening.  They didn't even show highlights from other games in progress.  I guess that Patriots-Titans contest was so close, they didn't want to miss a lead change...

 - Doctors suck.  I have all the respect in the world for medical workers; they know all kinds of stuff I don't, but there seems to be a disconnect on that point.  I don't know all that crap, because I don't want to.  It's not like you're some genius who figured out the Phaistos Disk.  So when your equipment and your expertise lead you to figure something out and you need to do something to keep me, my wife, or my child alive, just run it by me in layman's terms.  I don't really care about my baby's tributive inplasmigate levels and how they're accelerating slower than normal from a lack of riboflavin and potassium.  Because when you tell me that and I ask, "So, uh, what do I do?" and you say "Nothing," you have just wasted my time trying to look smart.  So to all the doctors out there, take a hint from the nurses - don't be a douche.

 - What is with calling babies "baby"?  Isn't one of the advantages of naming your child that you can now refer to the child by name?  Did Emmitt Smith write the Big Book of Grammar for the post-delivery medical field?  "Baby probably need to sleep.  She had a long day and now baby tired, so look out for Dwight Freeney.  He really is a force to be reckoning with."

 - Having a daughter saps about 90% of your masculinity.  I'm hoping I recover most of it.

 - The Raiders beat the Eagles?  Really?  And I'm glad I'm not a Redskins fan.  That offense is sickening.

 - I disappear for five days and we trade Will Witherspoon?  At least it wasn't Laurinaitis.

 - And lastly, if you don't really follow "your team", don't spend money on the accessories.  There are few things as frustrating as approaching someone wearing a shirt with a team logo on it and trying to strike up a conversation only to find you don't know a damn thing about "your team."  One of the employees in the hospital was wearing a Jaguars polo, so I approached her yesterday to ask about David Garrard and their rookie OTs.  She had little to no idea what I was talking about.  On Monday, I saw a guy get out of his car which had a huge Carolina Panthers decal on the back.  In short, the conversation ended abruptly with his telling me, "Steve Smith has put up huge numbers this year, man.  Just look at the numbers."  In other words, if you're wearing a piece of clothing with your team logo or have it on your car, be prepared to back up your purchase.  If you read Turf Show Times, you know damn well you can roll out in blue and gold head to toe.

  I'll get the preview of the Colts game out ASAP.  Holler.