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Ramdude's RAMblins: A Few Minutes with Mr. Rooney and Mr. Fisher

Author's Note: The following is an undated, lost interview between Andy Rooney, that lovable (?) curmudgeon with the eyebrows from CBS' 60 Minutes TV news magazine, and Jeff Fisher, current head coach of the St Louis Rams. Now Mr. Rooney died in November 2011, while Mr. Fisher was not hired by the Rams until January 2012 - proof that the old man had some supernatural powers of seeing (in a twisted sort of way) into both the future and the past at the same time. You'll see what I mean.

Though the interview is undated and uncorroborable (is that a word?), I'll swear as to its legitimacy on a huge stack of "Devin Briar"s - Available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple iTunes and Smashword.com. (Jussayin) Sooooo, let's roll that beeeeeuuutiful Rooney footage, shall we?

The Interview (undated and uncorroborable - so don't try. Ya hear?)

Folks, today we will be chatting with Jebb Fisher, head coach of the Baltimore Rams. Jebb, how are you today?







Thank you, Mr. Rooney. I'm just fine, and it's an honor to meet you. But my name is actually Jeff, and my team is the ST LOUIS Rams.







Sorry, Jed-f (strange name). My hearing is not so good. That and my intern who does the research is a FREAKING IDIOT! St Louis you say. Now wasn't your team originally from Cleveland? I naturally assumed it moved from Cleveland to Baltimore after the Colts moved to, uh Minnesota, or somewhere in Canada. (I think.) Now I do remember that St Louis had a team called the Cardinals. Aren't they still there?






Uh, JEFF. Never mind. Yes, there was a football team in St Louis called the Cardinals, but they moved to Arizona. You may be confused by the fact that the Cardinals baseball team is still in St Louis.


Yeah, that's it! You know, I'm a New York football Giants man - sorta like DCRamFan. I don't pay much attention to the rest of the league - not unlike him.

And that brings up an important question. Why do you have to say New York "football" Giants all the time? You don't say New York "football" Jets. Oh yeah, that's because the Jets don't PLAY football. That was a good one if I do say so myself!

By the way, you're really working that cigarette. You might want to slow down, or does each lung have a two pack minimum? That's a joke - (chuckles), couldn't help myself.






Sorry, I guess I'm a little nervous. This is my last one.


Now your young quarterback - Sonny Jurgenson is it? How's he doing? (That reminds me; I hope Norm Snead doesn't screw the pooch like last year. I mean Peyton. Dammit! I mean Eli. Sorry about that.)







Um, our quarterback is Sam Bradford. He's had an interesting short history in his four years here so far: two head coaches, three offensive coordinators, not nearly enough QB coaches. And he's had a couple of injuries here and there that have interrupted his progress. But we think he's gonna do really well for us going into his fifth year. We finally got some protection and talent around him, and the team is excited to get the season started.


Rams stuff is starting to come back to me now. Yeah, I remember, "Greatest Team on Dirt!" So, I hear that Robert Quinn is one badd M-Fer at defensive end - if you know what I mean and please pardon my Grey Poupon (French). He's no Strahan, of course, as I believe he's yet to have his own talk show. Don't worry. It'll come in time.






I do know what you mean Mr. Rooney. He's scary. It's scary for offensive tackles, not scary for us. He's got a great future ahead of him. Pass rushing is an art and you can get better at it. Hmmm, I feel like I've said that before, but I still mean every word.

I see you brought Silent Bob with you. (Fisher raised eyebrows) What's his job? Run down to the corner store and pick up another pack of smokes? Looks like he's gonna be busy today. (cough, cough) Bet you didn't think I knew who Silent Bob was now did ya? I actually don't - just heard it somewhere. I think it refers to Newhart. He's pretty quiet.






I switched over to electric cigs a couple a minutes ago - just water vapor so they say. No, this is actually the yard man for my offensive coordinator, Marty dammit Brian Schottenheimer. (His name is Bob though.) As you may know, I'm more of a defensive-mined coach. That's why I've been building the GREAT WALL of a DEFENSIVE LINE over these last couple of years. It's almost finished. I wanted somebody along who could help if you had some offense-related questions I couldn't handle. Bob, here, is about the smartest guy I know when it comes to offensive schemes. And he's a damn good yard man!

I see. So who's responsible for "Dink and Dunk?" Bob or that Marty dammit Brian person? (another strange name, what is it with these guys?)






Well, I'd rather not go into that right now if it's OK. Hey! Have you heard about our punter, Johnny Hekker? We signed the dude as an undrafted free agent in 2012, and he went to the Pro Bowl last year in just his second year. He even threw a touchdown pass his first year. Sweet!


He's the red-haired kid right? Well that's nice, but I'm sure he's no Pat Summerall or Pete Gogolak. Don't worry. It'll come in time. Speaking of time, looks like we're about out of it. I want to thank you, uh, Jakeff and Bob for taking time to talk with me today and also for knowing where the Rams are located SINCE MY INTERN DOESN'T KNOW CRAP.






Oh, it was our pleasure, Mr. Rooney. I'd go anywhere, anytime to talk about my Rams! We're gonna do some great things this year - and you heard that from the head coach (smiles).


By the way, do you think my desk is messy? People tell me that my desk is messy, but I think it's just right. I made it myself, you know - out of a big ole walnut tree. Ain't it nice? Good Bye.

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This RAMblins is dedicated to our buddy, Frank "Dubs" Dobozy. Here's hoping he's back with his links, his slide rule and his great ramshood real soon. And here's a little tune he should like. Hope you do to!

HAVE GREAT TIME AT FANFEST THIS SATURDAY, YOU LUCKY DOGS RAMS!!!!!!!!!!!