Two days into free agency, Les Snead was content to sit pool side, sipping margaritas, watching the rest of the NFL jumping in and out of deep end, of the free agent pool. Oh, Snead dipped his toes into the cold shark invested water, but seemed dissatisfied, Les turned his back on the pool, and calmly walked back to his chaise lounge, and caught an hour in the sun, next to his beautiful bride.
Suddenly without warning, a collective gasp went up pool side. Les Snead's alert eyes glanced from the gawking crowd up to the high diving board. Snead unbelieving eyes spied a little man dressed in a pirate suit poking a chained and anchored Rodger Saffold in the back with a knife. A buxom blonde bombshell bikini screamed,
. " Oh my God! He's making that poor man walk the Plank!"
Quick as Clark Kent whirling in a phone booth, Les Sneed unwrapped a Ram' beach towel from his waist, tossed the terry cloth towel , into his wife's waiting hands, as he sprinted towards the high diving board, revealing a blue speedo with golden trim, tight against his hips. Sneed practicaly ran up the high dive ladder, but he was too late , as an air born Rodger Saffold descended into the chlorinated blue free agency pool with a giant splash. Snead cracked his knuckles, took a deep breath, and bitch slapped the Pirate off the diving board! Shaking his gloved pirate fist, the free agent Raider yelled,
"Snead, you can't stop me from overspending! " SPLASH!
Les Snead bounced once, and leaped high above the GM's frolicking in the free agent pool below! Les Snead didn't dare the double cannon ball ginormous splash, like last year. Instead, Les rose into the sky smoothly, sweetly, spreading his wings wide in an organic cruciform. Gravity finally taking hold. Les sliced down toward the crystalline water in a perfect swan dive, leaving nary a ripple. Tumultuous applause erupted pool side, then faded as people began to realize that Snead, Saffold, and the short guy in the pirate suit had not emerged from the free agency pool.
GM's and Ram fans alike held their collective breath. Seconds seemed to stretch into an hours, hearts raced, people prayed. Finally Snead surfaced, ,rising out of the deep end of free agency pool like Merman, with an unconscious and unchained Rodger Saffold in tow, Les Snead walked across the water, delivering Saffold's inert form to the Buxom Blonde Bombshell parmedic, and together Snead and blonde beauty performed partner CPR on Saffold. Perky breasts heaving between breaths, the blonde beauty forced life giving oxygen between her bee sting lips into Saffold's waiting mouth!
"Hey Mister, what happened to the chains and the pirate raider?" , queried a little boy in a Sam Bradford jersey, size small.
" I bit threw the chains, since I didn't have time to pick the lock." Snead said between compressions, "I bitch slapped the pirate raider underwater, and took his deadly knife, thus disarming him! Here Kid, take this knife as a souvenir!" Snead handed the large shiny knife to the boy, The boy grinned and exclaimed,
" Wow Mister! You disarmed the Pirate of his knife!"
"No, I disarmed the pirate with his own knife! He's armless and harmless now. Nothing but little bits of chum for free agents sharks to feed on." Suddenly Saffold coughed up a bit of water, gurgled and moaned, "What Happened? Saffold groaned as he burped a little more water through his pearly whites.
" What happened?" The beautiful blonde answered back, her breasts peeking out of her bikini, above Saffold supine form, " Darling, you almost suffered a fate worse than death, you were this far from getting shanghaied into an Oakland Raider uniform!, But this nice man with wind blown beautiful hair saved you from an eternal watery grave!"
Recognizing Les Snead, Rodger sheepishly smiled and sighed,
"Thanks Les! I learned something today, There's no place like home. There's no place like home! "