There are All-Pro lists, then there are the REAL ALL-Pro lists. Sure, on one list you have players who present talent of this kind or that, but can they type? Exactly! NFL player may fill our Sundays during the season, but they're rookies compared the the guys who play the Turf Show Times game. So Brandon Bate and I thought we'd show you the stats line we gather during the year, and mention the true All-Pros within our ranks in the 2013 TST Awards Show!!!
"It's an exciting night, DC... Put the chicken wings down! We're here to honor the amazing fan post writers and TST comment-ers from this past year. Big night, eh?" I slap another sauce oozing chicken wing from Brandon's fingers. It flew into a pitcher of beer two tables over. When the three rather large men at the other table look our way, I point at DC, "He thinks he's Michael Jordan..." I slide out the booth and left DC to explain himself. All I heard as I walked away was, "Can I have that wing back?"
I peered around the corner, thinking I'd see DC in the fetal position on the ground. Instead, he and the three really large gentlemen were dipping chicken wings in a pitcher of beer, apparently intrigued by the new flavor sensation they'd discovered? They watched as DC "dipped" his wing, hand and most of his forearm into the pitcher, foam spilling over the rim onto the table. The four of them looked up when I approached.
"Really... REALLY! What's next: Bobbing-for-chicken-wings?" The three men looked at me, then DC who appeared to be pondering the idea. Next, he began to try and force his head in the pitcher. After trying a number of different ways, he settled on his ear emerged in beer foam.
"I can hear a Jacuzzi!" He said, his head laying flat on the pitcher rim. The three men slid out of the booth and walked slowly away. The manager of the Buffalo Wild Wings approached, and pointed at the front door...
Out on the street, I looked at Brandon. He was licking his arm. "Where are we going to have our awards show now? That's the third place we've bee kicked out of tonight!"
DC pointed at the Subway restaurant across the road, but I shook my head. "You don't recall the "Meatball" incident, do you?" He looked confused, then went back to licking his arm. At that moment, a police car rolled slowly by, their spotlight fixed on me, then Brandon, who appeared - to them - to be trying to eat his arm. I stepped back from my co-host of the TST Awards Show. DC looked at the policemen walking slowly toward us - night-sticks at the ready - then at me. He nodded, and I nodded back. DC knew what I had to do, plus it was my turn not to be arrested. I pointed at him, and yelled:
"He's been eating bath salts laced chicken wings, and thinks he's the star Zombie in "Walking Dead"!"
The officers looked at DC, then called for back up. One pulled a taser-gun from a holster and shot DC. The smell of sizzling chicken wings and beer filled the night air as a twitching DC hit the pavement. I turned to walk away, but was told to stop.
"Let's see some I.D.?" The officer said.
"Me? I'm just an innocent passer-by, officer. I've neeeever seen that poor man before in my life." I handing him my wallet.
"You said this man," he pointed at DC as he received another jolt from the tazer-gun, "has been eating chicken wings lace with bath salts and thinks he's a Zombie?" I nodded. "Have you been eating these wings too?" I shook my head. "So that isn't hot wing sauce around your mouth?" I wiped my mouth and shook my head again. The officer shot me with his tazer-gun, and I joined DC on the ground...
Now in a familiar form of public transportation, DC and I looked at each other. "We can do the show here?" DC said as his eyes un-crossed for the first time since being slid into the backseat of the squad car.
"They took my video camera, " I said as I shook my head.
DC nodded toward the small video camera mounted in the roof of the police car, pointed at the backseat. "Maybe we can get a copy?"
My neck hadn't really recovered from being tazered, so it kind of lolled in what went for a "OK". "Let's start with the guys who wrote the most fan posts?"
DC's eyes crossed again, "The nominees for "Most Fan Posts in 2013" are: OakCityRam, Fishkiller, ramsrock, misone, RG31, oldboy1x, CodyAllenFTW, jmo53, and ramdude... And the winner is: OakCityRam, with 60 articles!
OakCityRam - 60
Fishkiller - 57
ramsrock - 50
Ramfan 1313 - 48
misone - 48
RG31 - 37
oldboy1x - 33
CodyAllenFTW - 30
jmo53 - 28
ramdude - 25
"OakCityRam did an amazing job all year," I said as looked into the roof mounted mini-cam. "Once he understood he wasn't writing to Penthouse Forum, he really dialed in his focus on the Rams... When he finally bought a computer, posting directly to Turf Show Times instead of mailing them to me, he really stepped up his game. He can spell "Rams" now too. He kept spelling it "Patriots" for the longest time?" DC and I nodded our admiration for OakCityRam overcoming his attacks of what he told me were called: "Spell-a-do-sis"...
"Next up, are the guys who posted the most Fan Shots. The nominees are: DJ1986, Ramsaddiction, Thai, James Goldbleu, Rams78110, OakCityRam, and BlueRambo... And the winner is: DJ1986, with 43! Quite an accomplishment, eh?"
DJ1986 - 43
Ramsaddiction - 35
Ryan Van Bibber - 24
Thai - 10
James Goldbleu - 7
Rams78110 - 7
Douglas M - 6
3k - 6
OakCityRam - 6
BlueRambo - 5
DC nodded, "Yup! That DJ1986 can drink with the best of them!"
I raised an eyebrow as I looked at DC, "Fan Shots are quick video or story links guys post to keep everyone at the leading edge of St. Louis Rams news, not shots of booze!"
DC looked shocked, but moved on. "Now, for the biggest award of the year! The TSTer who posted the most comments during 2013!" We need to honor these wordy bastards who don't have lives." DC looked into the camera, "We need to appreciate that - even though these guys most likely live in their mothers' basements - they're people too!"
"CUT!" I screamed at the ceiling camera, "Let's re-shoot that, only this time, remember I'm on that list somewhere too, OK?"
DC rolled his eyes, "Yeah, we wouldn't want people to think you don't have a life, drive a Yugo, and have a Cheetos fetish, now do we?" He began to laugh, but his post-taser face made the right side of his mouth droop, causing him to drool.
"Shut it! The nominees for "Most Comments in 2013" are: LA Champ, FailureDrill, ramsrock, NoAvailableCAP, oldboy1x, dbcouver, 1olyJG, and Rams78110... And the mouthy, wordy, comment-crazed bastard winner is: LA Champ, with 9312 comments in assorted articles and game threads!"
LA Champ - 9312
Ramfan 1313 - 8083
FailureDrill - 5003
ramsrock - 4743
NoAvailableCAP - 4712
Douglas M - 4588
oldboy1x - 4038
dbcouver - 3272
1olyJG - 3201
Rams78110 - 3093
I'd like to thank everyone for being a part of Turf Show Times, and the great year we all had here during 2013. This is absolutely the best NFL community on the planet. Your class and knowledge have made TST one of the most respected sites in the entire SBN network. For myself, and the entire Turf Show Times staff, I'd like to say thank you, and let's blow 2013 out of the water in 2014!