Something To Read While You're Poopin': Week 4

10 Things I May or May Not Have Hallucinated

Reading Time: Two Grunts and a Plop Plop.

1. Update on My Wyatt Earp-like Vendetta Ride Against NewWave Communications: They finally sent a technician to the house to inspect the receiver. I'd mentally prepared for him to repossess the box (which approached Necronomicon levels of evil) and cast it into fires of Mount Doom. Turns out I personally knew the tech, we had a hearty laugh at the expense of the archaic and monopolized cable industry, and he identified and repaired a faulty splitter. Problem solved. We ran into each other later in the week and I bought him a beer. He wasn't the Cable Repairmen I deserved, but the one I needed. As for the muckety mucks at NewWave? You've been given a temporary reprieve. My DVR'd episodes of Sons of Anarchy and The League were spared. But you better stay off my radar. This vendetta has been postponed. Not cancelled. Kurt-russel_medium


2. What We Talk About When We Talk About What Happened Sunday. Whoo boy, I'm glad my Pappy didn't live to see this complete and utter dumpster fire. He woulda died again of shame. I left a camping trip early to make it home to watch this embarrassing display of futility and incompetence. The obvious lack of preparation, focus, energy and teamwork would've all-but-guaranteed a loss to co-ed beach volleyball team.

A complete outsider, someone who'd never seen a snap of Futbol Americain could've watched this atrocity and easily recognized it was a crime against humanity. I wish William Faulkner was alive and present in Dallas, as he might use his southern Gothic prose to paint a picture of words that might fully encapsulate the feeling of watching the ghost of Cortland Finnegan wander around the gridiron.

The preparation aspect is what gutted me. The Rams were at Full Tilt Boogie from the opening kickoff. Every phase of the game was laughably awful. A black hole of bufoonery: no bright spots. I should have stayed at the campsite. I should have driven bamboo shoots into my toenails. I should have done anything really.

So what are we talking about here? Was this team just publicly outed as a 4-win Nancy? Is the viola player tuning up on the deck of the Titanic? Nahhhh. Hyperbole and hottakes and all that stuff are ultimately for shmoes like you n' me to blather on about. The truth is that The Cowboys took us to the woodshed. They were better prepared, had a better game plan, and never took their foot off the gas.

The only concern I have going into the short week is "What can quickly be learned from this?" Film don't lie. We were dominated. How can you walk away from that Jerryworld shit-show on a short week and honestly expect your team to do EVERYTHING better? Is it possible we looked past the 'Boys and were already getting ready for Thursday night as a 2-1 team? There are no Short Cuts in a 16 game season.

3. Indisputable Truths

a.) By the year 2035 more than half the league will have some version of "Cromartie" on their jersey.

b.) Nobody. I mean NOBODY, gives a crap about your fantasy team.

c.) Blake Williams (Present Defensive Consultant at William Jewell College) had a good chuckle yesterday.

4. #29 for Dallas earned a new nickname: DeMarco "Stan Kroenke" Murray. Because he owns the fucking Rams.


via h/t JackYoungblood for the pic!

Things DeMarco Murray might be good at OTHER than football: Using shell corporations to buy land around future Wal-Mart locations, being mysterious, giving his children basketball teams, ambiguously using threatening euphemisms for money like "jack", pleasing Mrs. Kroenke.

I think the Rams should trade for DeMarco Murray. Not to play football. But to be the lead negotiator with the CVC.

4. If Ever a Clip from a Chop-Socky Flick Could Capture My Mood After Sunday's Game, This is It: I fumed as I walked the dachshund around the block, blood pulsing with the spirit of Tony Jaa. Also awesome viewing potential for fans of practical stuntwork, continuous takes that put Marty S. to shame, dispatching henchmen, and/or stairs. SFW, and watch if you need some Monday catharsis.

Best uncut fight scene - Tony Jaa (via Marc Cabarrocas Güell)

5. Slow Starts and Hangover Farts. The NFL should pass a Rams specific rule that will allow the opposing team to begin the game with 2 touchdown lead. That might be the only way to see some sense of urgency in a team that usually looks like they were out all Saturday night partying with Aldon Smith and Stefon. If the Rams are "scripting" plays to begin each game they're in desperate need of a rewrite that Tom Stoppard might tear up at page one. Bill-hader-stefon-snl_medium


6. The Jay Gruden Wheel of Destiny!

Lil' Chucky's stock rises after the upset against the Green Bay Insurance Agents.

Tampa Bay 3-1 (ouch.. too soon?)

New York Giants 6-1 (Tom Coughlin is free to pursue a retirement career as a pissed off volunteer crossing guard)

Green Bay 14-1 (burrrrrn!)

INTERLUDE #1: Three odd things I thought leading up to Sunday's throttling.

a) Jeff Fisher had 3 buttons undone on his shirt during the Jeff Fisher Show. Unnecessary.

b) Michael Brockers should be a fullback in goal line packages.

c) J. Long should vacation to Bane's underground prison so that dude can build him a bionic knee.

7. The Part Where Coffee is Apparently Discussed at Length. Hey fellow single folks! To completely hijack a bit from the genius Nick Kroll, what's with all the coffee dates? Not saying we need to go to bar and get smashed and drunkenly make out in your car (on second thought..), but WHY would you want your first impression of a date be dictated by a beverage that makes your hands shake, your breath stink, and foster the urge to shit? It baffles me. Pro-tip: If it's a day-date, go for sno-cones. "What if it's winter", you ask? Leave me alone, I say. I'm terrible at dating advice.

8. This Week's Morbid Hypothetical. Collectively NFL teams take roughly 510 flights per season. In the unlikely, albeit statistical possibility, that a plane carrying an entire team went down, how would the NFL handle it? Would they rebuild the franchise a'la expansion scenario? What if it was a team bound for the playoffs? Would teams who had them on their schedule get a bye? Forfeits? Would the season be cancelled? My mind wanders to dark places while I'm aimlessly meandering the aisles of the grocery store.

INTERLUDE #2: Max Starks scouting report I received from a Steelers fan who was on his way to jump of the South Tenth Street Bridge.

"Decent backup. Strong as a mountain. Slow given his age. Takes plays off and has mental lapses. Serviceable at RT, but only if you've got running on your mind." Grreat.

9. Guy Who Colin Kaepernick Kinda Reminds Me Of. Talented actor Said Taghmaoui. AKA, the sadistic Iraqi scum who electrocutes Marky Mark's balls in Three Kings. Sooooo easy to hate this wank. (h/t again to JackYoungblood).



10. "From a certain point onward, there is no longer any turning back. That's the point that must be reached."-Franz Kafka. We're moving forward. We have to. We have company on Thursday night, so make sure you vacuum, stock up cured meats, & crack your knuckles. I want to see this team play angry. I want to see a couple big plays. Some confidence. We're past the point where wins & losses should be dictated by trick plays and muffed punts. If these fellas don't come out of that tunnel throwing haymakers, then they might as well be cockroaches.

Pick for Thursday: RAMS 3 49ers 2

Exit Music: Hey StLers, if you're not watching the Cards demolish the Cubs, Central title in hand, check out Black Rebel Motorcycle Club at The Pageant on Friday!!!!

Thanks for reading. Proud of you. You can always damn the torpedoes & follow my irreverent TWITTER.

As always: Wipe until you think you're clean, then wipe again.

Go Rams.

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