Something to Read While You're Poopin'

10 Things I Thought I Think I Saw and Thought "I've Been Thinking I Thought That"

1. NewWave Cable can eat a giant shit sandwich. I updated to their "Premium SportsPak" before the season started. (Yeah. Pak with a "K". Clever. Idiots.) I decided to splurge mostly for NFL Network/Redzone and ESPNU in HD. I was promised a mere $8 a month hike, and got a spiffy new receiver for the 50 inch. And lemme tell you.. They were so friendly and helpful! They were out the next day! They deserved a thoughtful sonnet to be posted to Angie's List singing their praises! They...they....they lied to mothereffing face! *deep breath* I'm receiving none of the new channels promised in the SportsPak with a K lineup, and on the rare occasions I have, they're more scrambled than the Spice Channel was circa 1991 (if you were poor like me.).

Regardless, I've been on the phone with 3 separate reps, engaged in a useless "Troubleshooting Live Chat!", and have been told to "turn it off, now turn it back on" 40 different times. The end result? Still no HD SportsPak, and you better bet your ass they're gonna try to tack that 8 extra bucks onto the monthly. Over my dead Rams-lovin' body, hombre. Next time I'm in Sikeston (I can't really think of a reason.. maybe thrown rolls?), I'm gonna swing by your corporate HQ and leave you an nasty upper-decker with a K. You will pay for this transgression, NewWave. In this life...or the next.

2. JL55. Overpaid? Overpaid. Don't get me wrong. I like the guy. He seems like an intelligent, hardworking, rah rah kinda dude. He's never been hurt. Never missed a game. Can't overlook this. Buuuuuuuuuut... when does being a "Tackling Machine" cease to pay dividends? I understand that his job at the Mike is to stay home/diagnose/pursue,etc... Buuuuuuut I feel like there's a serious lack of playmaking there. He's not really quick enough to cover a drag route or shallow cross, he's not really big enough to stonewall a big back on the goal line, he's not that great at shedding blocks, doesn't get a lot of pressure when they blitz... I know Alec was brought in to aid in these deficiencies, and he's shown promising flashes. The kid who wins the perfect attendance award is always the kid with a C+ average. Again, can't say it enough: I like James. (He's got 23 million guaranteed) Seems like a good dude. (42 million total....groan.) Buuuuuuut... he might be the Juan Pierre of the Rams. (I'll get to Cort in a second.)



3. Sneaky Sam & The Checkdown Blues. If I played saxophone in a Duke Silver-like combo, this would be a sweet band name. #1 storyline for me in this young Rams season? Sam Bradford is on pace to throw 40 touchdowns and be sacked exactly ZERO times. I'm mostly a casual observer in the game thread these days, but some of the over-reactionaries in there probably play Madden, playcall 4 WR-verticals 3 downs in a row, and then get mad when their 7 year old nephew beats them. The reason Sam isn't getting sacked is because of the checkdown, you mongoloids. Listen.. I agree that improvement can be made in utilization of personnel and his progression of reads, but you can't have your cake and eat it too.


a) A Three Yard Checkdown.

b) A Sack.

c) Your mom.

Schotty (whom I don't totally hate, unlike a lot of you TSTers. Guys like Brian Ban Dibber.) has been streaky. This team thrives on momentum. The run hasn't totally achieved a foothold in either gameplan thus far, ergo- you stick with what works. And checkdowns have been working. Which leads me to Sneaky Sam.. you realize he's thrown the ball 93 times, and has 2 INTs? For kid glove reasons, let's take away the Richardson deflection and reduce that number to 1. ONE INTERCEPTION in 93 ATTEMPTS? Isn't that like super freakin' human? In a football world where goldenboy darlings like Eli PoutyFace, and Colin "My Beard Looks Like An Etch-a-Sketch" Kaepernick are throwing 3-4 interceptions on *gasp* National Television? The deep ball will come. Sam proved last year that he's not afraid to chuck one. The checkdown shouldn't be a thorn in our collective Rams side. We should quietly watch as Sam continues to be sneaky good. And we should hope that one day Schotty will figure out that a Givens Deep/Cook Mid/Tavon Short route tree probably can't be defended.

4. Austin Pettis must have a Jeff Fisher sex tape in his possesion. Blackmail is the only explanation..right? I thought Fisher's "Earn it" attitude toward BQ would've relented by now. Add my name to the chorus of the "Why is AP getting reps over BQ?". Austin Pettis is a freaking Rembrandt of mediocrity. BQ, while young, and a *tinge* dimwitted is superior in every other way. I'm willing to drive by Austin Pettis' house with a giant Wile E. Coyote magnet in hopes of erasing this incriminating evidence so this injustice might be corrected.



5. Crockpots are your friend. We've been brainwashed, dudes. Hypnotized into thinking that "Gameday" is synonymous with "Grilling". This is gospel, right? Bullshit. Sure, if you're doing a proper tailgate.. by all means, whip out the Weber, drag the smoker down to the parking lot and eat some char-biscuits. But if you're hanging in your house or apartment all day and binging on 8 straight hours of football? The grill is for suckers. You spend a ridiculous amount of time outside checking temp, saucing, basting, flipping, rotating etc... your jagoff friends are sitting in your living room, enjoying your HVAC, drinking your beer and you're cooking for them like a goddamn TopChef Quickfire challenge is taking place? Eff that. CROCK POT IT. Here's the plan: Wake up. Throw some stuff in a crockpot. Eat some donuts/everything bagel/bacon sandwich/whatever. Drink booze all day long. During Football Night in America go get your tasty bomb-ass meal out of the crockpot. You can literally do anything in the crockpot. Last week I did this Chicken Stew Simmered in Guinness Stout. Boom. Drink the rest of the Guinness, and just sit there. All day.

6. Cortland Finnegan Conundrum. Peyton exposed him in the preseason. Maybe he and Asomugha were the recipients of like..a gypsy curse..or dunno? ..They just forgot how to play football? It realllly doesn't help matters that his bought n' paid for "veteran presence", the guy who was supposed to foster J. Jenkins' to maturity is the egregious butthole being popped with all the flags. The Rams basically wrote the book on how to defend the 2012 49ers. I'm afraid the 2013 Hawks might've perfected it. The pass rush/press jam combo looked tighter than a dolphin's rectum. Timmy Walton must have some sort of happy medium between Sherman-levels of slappiness and the OG Cush that is the current bend-don't-break D, right? Right? Riiiiight?

Interlude #1:

Q: Which movie will most likely give me a panic attack? Gravity or Prisoners?

A: Gravity. Because I'll actually see it. Alfonso Cuaron is a genius. Plain and simple. The last 30 minutes of Children of Men should be hanging in a museum. The only reason I'd even see Prisoners is to find out why Jake Gyllenhaal's hair looks so stupid. I don't really care about what happened to Wolverine's daughters.

7. Fake Trade #1 Isaiah Pead for Mikel Leshoure.

Fake Trade #2 2014 1st Rnd Pick for Mark Barron (Sounds improbable, right? I disagree.)



8. The Jay Gruden Wheel of Destiny. I like Jay Gruden. His experience is kind of fascinating and badass. He quit as the head coach of his AFL team because they needed a starting QB. That actually happened. More over, he's the only reason Marvin Lewis didn't get shitcanned a year ago. That being said, he's probably going to be the sexy "up and coming coordinator" job candidate next off-season.. where's he going?


NYJ 6-1

TAMPA 10-1


9. The Part Where Coffee is Apparently Discussed at Length. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coffee's okay. If I'm near a Starbucks I'll take a Venti Iced. Nothing fancy. I don't have a French press, foam sucks, and I basically just drink it to stay regular. Now beer? Yeah. I can talk about beer. Being a total Southern Illinois homer I'll pimp the guys over at Big Muddy Brewing. Their Dunkle is superb, and for all you weirdos who like a brewsky that emotes the notes of Autumn, they've got a kickass Pumpkin Smasher seasonal. Good stuff. Widely available in Illinois, SEMO, Metro, and W Kentucky. If you're in the neighborhood doing the Shawnee Wine Trail stop in for pint. Would also recommend nearby Scratch Brewery for a legit microbrew tasting room experience.

INTERLUDE #2. JERKFACE OF THE WEEK: My fairweather Facebook friend who scolds strangers for using the "R" word for the mentally disabled and the "F" word for members of LGBT community, but dresses his infant daughter up in Washington onesies and RG3 jerseys and slathers them all over my timeline. I hope everyone saw Olbermann's takedown.. watching his new show on the WWL is like watching an episode of The Newsroom, you know, if The Newsroom was actually good.

10. QB Non-Controversy. A 2-14 season flashed before my eyes yesterday. First when Sam started bleeding from the mouth. (You see more and more QBs using mouth guards. Sam has eschewed this route. Ain't afraid of biting his tounge I guess?) Then again when he made a run for it and got pummeled in the redzone. Even a slight injury to #8 would put our season in the hands of Kellen Clemens. Even with an ousted Pope's blessing, I can't see him eeking out a win against The Little Sisters of the Poor. So- Austin Davis wasn't the answer. Who is? I'm thinking we're drafting one in 2014. Not early. Not too late. I'm thinking 4th-5th round. I a big program guy. SEC, PAC12.. A guy smart enough to absorb an NFL playbook, not guffaw at the sight of a blitzing NFL DE, and workmanlike enough to not cause an actual QB controversy. Who might this QB be? Hell if I know. That ain't my fucking job.


Exit Music: For All you StLers, Andrew W.K will be at Fubar on Friday. Party hard. Go Rams. Wipe until you think you're clean, then wipe again. And seriously, screw you NewWave Communications.

Thanks for indulging me. And if you like much shorter forms of expression and dick jokes, you can always follow me on TWITTA YO.

Andrew W.K- We Want Fun (via XTREMEDUDE981)

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