Disclaimer: I'm going to swear... A lot. Also this is a "Top-Dick" article, which means most of this is complete bullshit. I share very little of the views in this article.
Obligatory photo for the sake of having a photo.
So we're two weeks into the preseason and everything is shit. It all sucks. Fuck it. this is a 6 win team. Fuck, maybe 5. No way we can sweep the Cards so make it 4 wins. TOPS. That's the outlook. Maybe we drop a few more. The Titans? That o-line and running game are going to kill us, 3 wins now. Shit, the Jags could surprise, bring their A-game. You know that Gabbert is a "Real-American". That's 2 wins. Wait, TJ and Ogletree look pretty lost out there, Make it 1. 1 win. Seems about right. Who's it against? The Redskins. What? We don't play them? Fuck it, still a win somehow. You think I'm being a bummer? A pessimist? FUCK YOU! Look at our play in the PRESEASON!
Yeah. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, we are so screwed.
So our starters are Darian Stewart (currently) and TJ McDonald.
Darian's Hamstring is apparently made of cheap balsa wood, silly string, and chewed up bubble gum, but not good bubble gum, the shit you get by the truck load on halloween that's sort of barrel shaped and has ridges. That shit that lasts about two minutes before tasting like wet cardboard and is always somehow tooth shatteringly hard no matter how old it is. Could be five seconds or five years since that shit was pumped out of the factory, it still has all the chewability of a brick. Anyway, Darian's constant injuries aren't his only problem. He has all the ball skills of drunken Dee Milliner. But, when the moons align and the blue stars come out, and he actually manages to be in the right spot at the right time, he makes sure to drop the ball in his best Ron Bartell impersonation, sans the fractured neck (Sorry Ron). Darain also has yet another issue. He has all the tackling ability of a toddler, unless he's out to injure Ryan Williams. Whatever, still better than Craig Dahl, but not by enough.
TJ McDonald on the other hand, is a rookie who looks... LOST! AH FUCK! What are we ever going to do? Game over man, game over. I mean, did you see Janoris' first NFL preseason game? INSTANT SUPER STAR SUCCESS! Janoris was a total JESUS MACHINE! Made all the tackles, covered super well, had 3 picks for touchdowns. It was the shit. We fucked them Colts up I tell you what. Beat them so bad they went back to Baltimore, which then made the Ravens go back to Cleveland and the Browns to go back to... Hopefully somewhere better than Cleveland. The point is, TJ is hopeless back there and is going to cost us at least 3 games this year. That's just the facts.
DARIAN'S GOT ALL THIS "POTENTIAL".
Jo-Lonn Dunbar was too busy chugging protein shakes and wolfing down vitamin supplements to actually read the ingredients list on them so he's gone for the first four weeks of the season. Don't feel too bad though. He's still got all that Gregg Williams bounty money. Maybe he can pool it together with Ray Ray's booster money and put it away for all the fines they're going to get this season.
Will Whiterspoon is back to remind of days when there was only one good linebacker on the roster. He was like a black JL55. The only problem is that he got traded for Brandon Gibson of all people. Yeah, awesome trade there. Wasn't Will the defensive MVP of the team around that time? Then we trade him for the most infuriating asshole I have ever seen play WR. The Eagles didn't seem to get a good deal either, because we ended up trading them a corpse of a linebacker. Now that Will has been passed around more than a blunt at a frat house, he's back with us. I don't know if I'm excited or terrified.
LOOK AT THAT GUY! That's Austin Davis. He broke tons of Favre's college records. He's the best Southern Miss QB in history. HE'S A WINNER! Look at that shirt. Totally confirms it. CHAMPION! You're telling me you aren't comfortable with him as your backup QB? I say he should START! That's right, UNLEASH AUSTIN DAVIS! Somewhere, Skip Bayless is agreeing with everything I'm saying while he wipes his eyes with a Tebow jersey. Remember last year when we all thought he was great and should have been our back-up with ease? The fuck happened? I'll tell you what, you're all scared of this man. Of his winning. Of his record-breaking and his championships. DAVIS FOR STARTER!
Now Kellen Clemens? Fuck him. He's a carry over from the Jets and as we all know, everything the Jets touch dies. Look at what they did with Tebow. Rex Ryan took all his magic and used it to drop all that weight and increase the size of his wife's feet. Kellen could have been something, but now? He's done for. He's gone full Mark Sanchez, which is a state of being in which there is no hope and only suffering. On the bright side, he'll be able to bang 16 year olds just like old Mark.
Look at that Steven Jackson wannabe. Why do you have those dreads? HUH? Fuck Daryl. His name is super redneck and white. Plus he will never, EVER be a feature back. He's just too god damn small. Think of a good feature back like... Chris Johnson. LOOK AT HIS SIZE. Daryl is only 5 foot 10 inches and 196 pounds. CJ2K is... 5' 11" 191... THAT INCH MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE. Ok, poor example... Ray Rice. How about him. 5 foot 8 inches... BUT LOOK! He's 212 pounds! Yeah, fuck Daryl! He will never be big like these titans among men!
Then there's Isaiah Pead. A man with the vision of a bat and the decision making of a fat kid in a lunch line. Watching Isaiah return a kick makes me die a little inside. He can't find a lane he wants to run through and when he does he usually plows head first into the back of one of his blockers. Isaiah may make one or two good runs that give you hope but then trip over his shoelaces for 3 straight carries and make Sam try to convert a 4th and 16. Thanks. At least he can pass block well, then again if we need someone in the backfield to block for Sam, couldn't we just use Kendricks? Fuck this guy. Moping around and shit. If we draft one more player from Cincinnati, I'm going to punt a child.
Terrence Ganaway can make all the sandwiches he wants, he still isn't making this team, and for those of you who think he will, you are fucking stupid. Can Chase Reynolds also fuck off and die please? By die I don't mean go six feet under, just go to some shit hole where you will be able to make a 53 and still do nothing. Jaguars could be hiring since MJD likes have some sort of season ending injury in week 4 that is sure to fuck up your fantasy football team. CHASE COULD BE THE NEXT RASHAD JENNINGS! You know, that guy that was always ready to break out but it turned out he sucked. He sucked good enough to get a ticket to Oakland so he could suck some more and still collect an NFL paycheck. Who's that one Illinois guard we got? Pocic? Fuck it. Cut him. Why? Because Brandon will be so pissed that he'll go contribute to that other website he writes for and have a massive drunken post on how much bullshit it is while he waits for Mikel LeShoure and AJ Jenkins to break out so he can finally say that U of Illinois actually produces NFL talent.. Also, we need to cut Hekker right now so Sergey can do the same. Jabara Williams... You go ahead and continue to be the only Devaney/Spags pick that was an actual success. (Sarcasm)
I saw this picture too much.
Go ahead and tell me what you think in those comments. Or don't. fuck it.