Sam Bradford: Translated

"We've had talented teams in the past and tried to maximize it," Bradford told USA TODAY Sports. "But with the speed we've brought in, it really allows us to open things up and put other teams in a bind. That's good for this football team."

Translation: We are going to go through defenses like crap through a goose!

"I've been waiting for this, just wanting to see this offense succeed and maybe do some things we haven't been able to in the past."

Translation: I’ve been knocked on my ass so many times I want me some PAYBACK! We are going to open up our spread offense like a virgin on prom night!

"Defenses are going to have to choose who they pay attention to," said Bradford, who has never had a receiver gain as many as 700 yards in a season.

Translation: If you go after Austin, fuck-it ......I’ll throw to Bailey, Cook, or Pettis!

Sam added, "There's just a sense of speed now, where in the past we might have had speed at one position but no true burners."

Translation: These boys are faster than a scalded cat! I can’t wait to see Austin running backwards and waving to Harbaugh as he goes by for the TD.

Sam went on to dispel the hype coming from the other teams in the NFC west.

"We know what we're capable of and what we did in our division last year," he said. "If we play at our true potential, we're not worried about those other teams getting the attention now."

Translation: I personally want to punish the other teams in this division! Just think about the attention they’ll get trying to explain why they lost to the Rams.

This was so much fun I had to continue the interview in my head.

I asked Sam about the Arizona Cardinals and their claim that they have all the weapons to take the division.

"Really....." Sam said, "I’m more worried about how many quarters are in my console when I go to the car wash! If you want to worry about something, worry about cleaning the crap off your windshield...and how many of their fans get busted for licking pigeons. And who’s that old man playing for Arizona?"

What about the Seahawks? I asked him.

"More damn know I hate birds....I think they taste best, barbequed with a little hot sauce on the side. And Wilson is so small he looks like a midget in a mine field, sure he made a couple of plays but so did my ex-super model girlfriend."

So you don’t think the Seahawks are a problem for you? I asked .

"Well, they can be a problem, but I keep my Ping-Pong table covered so they don’t crap all over it. As far as trying to play football ......well let’s just say they’d be better off if they joined a league that plays full-contact Uno."

So the 49ers say the Rams are just cannon fodder on the way to the next super bowl, how do you feel about that?

"Look...we’ve listened to their crap for so long that it’s just like being constipated on PEDS. I don’t give a rats ass if they bring all of San Francisco to the won’t help them beat us. We got the tips coming in from Craig Dahl, and there is no way they can run a play we don’t know about. Sure their defense thinks that its farts don’t stink....but we really don’t have time to worry about it. They are going to be chasing Austin and Cook like a monkey after a banana!"

I told Sam the 9ers are convinced they will be in the super bowl next year.

"The only way that happens," Sam said, "Is if they buy tickets. I mean come on..... Kap has so much ink on his arms all he can do is throw lame ducks! And that defense is so old that they bring-em on the field in wheelchairs."

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