NFL Announcer Changes? I Have Some Thoughts...


The NFL off season is a time of change for its 32 teams. Players are flung through a revolving door; arriving and leaving at a fever pitch. Front offices add and dump player scouts. General managers try to dial in every aspect of their organizations. It's pure carnage at times, and it would make Darwin smile...

Into this hiring and firing frenzy, is added the different sports networks jumbling up their game announcing crews. Former players audition for that "life after football" career, hoping to move from the locker room to the broadcast booth. I remember the times when Monday Night Football tried to experiment with Dennis Miller as a color analyst. Disaster followed, with Miller making obtuse comments, tinged with A.C.T. binge words and references:

"(Kurt)Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!"

"I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun."

"That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."

"The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts."

It could happen again... Not Miller, since he's had his chance, but there are others who could add something to game days... How about Gilbert Gottfried? We need an annoying voice. Can you imagine the voice of the Aflac Duck doing commentary next to Jon Gruden?

Ah, the whimsical, dulcet tones of Gottfried would have the MNF audiences longing for commercial breaks. But they may not want him as a spokesman when there's a natural disaster. He's the only person to have the entire country Japan hate him. His post-tsunami Tweets have become infamous, so he's a perfect fit for MNF:

I think Charlie Sheen would be an interesting choice by the NFL. Who doesn't love rants about drugs, hookers, and... Hookers? The former "2 1/2 Men" star found new and different ways to make people revile him. But he's so eloquent...

A little controversy to build rating for the NFL would work, wouldn't it? They may have to set Sheen/Esteves up in a booth separated from the regular crew though. But think about how great he'd be interviewing NFL players? What a great role model for guys like Tyrann Mathieu? If they could get Amanda Bynes as a sidelines reporter, I'd tune in to watch this train wreck in the making. The TV camera running on cables over the field would be permanently stationed to watch these two. Bynes running the wrong way down the sidelines after a touchdown, and Sheen up in the booth screaming directions at her like a drug rehab version of Marco Polo... "NO! Your other left you stupid b..."

Lately, SBNation's Matt Ufford and Dan Rubenstein might make interesting choices. I think "Dan on Fire" would make a great audition video. He's proven he can make things up on the fly, and 98% of his audience believes he's serious, even when he isn't. "Kobe Bryant faked his injury?" They believed it. "Manziel transferring to Minnesota?" They put it in the bank. Charles Barkley a secret member of the KKK? Oops! Sorry Dan! You never should've told me, so it's your bad.

With Dan in the booth would be "Mr. Positive-I went to Northwestern-My soul is filled with puppies" - Matt Ufford. Some people think Matt's a bit negative, but if you look closely he actually winks after he says anything. So when he says things like the women on a certain college campus are ugly, he doesn't really mean it. OK, he does... Matt is Dean Martin to Dan's Jerry Lewis. If we add in Spencer Hall and Ryan Van Bibber, they'd be the Marx Brothers...(Ryan is Zeppo)

What a foursome for NFL game day! Ryan doing the play-by-play, Ufford throwing in the odd "I hate him", Hall sitting on a sidelines bench drinking beer , wondering which college teams were playing, and Dan commenting on how Jim Harbaugh just signed a 20 year contract to coach in Canada...

Personally, I think DC and I could do a great job as NFL announcers. But that's just me...

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