St. Louis Rams: Enter the Comb Dome!

US PRESSWIRE

The San Francisco 49ers recently agreed to a $220mil, 20-year naming rights deal with Levi Strauss & Co . Soon enough, teams traveling to San Fran for away games will be playing at "Levi's Stadium." Lame!

"Levi's jeans were designed for the 49ers during the gold rush. It was a good fit for them then and it's a good fit today" - Jed York

Levi Strauss & Co., who will celebrate their 130th anniversary this May 20th, is one of the world’s most common name amongst jean enthusiasts. Known primarily for their uncanny ability to display just how much weight you’ve actually gained, the jean-maker’s hauled in $4.6 billion worth of revenue in 2012… All while you were judged [from behind] based on your might-as-well-be-a-neon-sign waistline size, which is conveniently indicated on the red tab for all to see. Time for a belt!

And let’s face the facts: Time’s have changed. Back in the mid-1800’s you didn’t have choices. Those gold miners didn’t want to wear Levi’s. It was either their offering, or no pants at all [have you ever tried sifting or panning for gold san pants?] If Jed York wants to be honest with his team’s fans, then he’d admit that many of those miners would preferred to wear a pair of Rocawear Jeans®. They simply couldn’t. And had a certain rapper/producer/actor/NBA team owner/certified sports agent been able to fit those working diligently to strike gold in a much more suitable pair of jeans, he wouldn’t have been able to. Amazon.com wasn't primed and there was nothing that Brown could do for you.

And while the 49ers have now solidified their future home on the ‘field of jeans’, the Rams look for stadium answers in the midst of uncertainty. There’s no guarantee the team and the St. Louis Convention and Visitors Commission [CVC] are going to be able to reach an agreement. The Rams believe it’s going to take upwards of $700-$800mil in order to provide the team and it’s fans a top tier facility. The CVC offered up a whopping $124 for renovations.

So what’s next? If Levi’s were designed for 49ers, and are still a fit for them today [as the 49ers' owner suggests], then what kind of partnership can be formed between the Rams and a corporate juggernaut whose products represent the team’s brand and the values it's been built upon…since 2012? I’ve got a suggestion, and I hope Stan Kroenke is listening.

The Kent Mustache Comb Dome

Sure, St. Louis is known for having some very successful sports teams. But they’re also known for being the home of one of the world’s finest mustaches.

When Jeff Fisher chose to take the head coaching job for the Rams prior to the 2012 season, it was only a matter of time before the craze took over the "Show Me State", and extended to members of Rams Nation all over the world. For those with minimal disposable income, a simple Sharpie® finger over the top lip would suffice. Others - who hate getting their hands dirty - simply applied the permanent marker to their upper lip. Some formed chocolate-shaped mustaches on sticks, and others put Dateline NBC’s Chris Hansen on high alert when they went all natural.

The Rams recognized that people from all walks of life, or maybe just those who aren’t capable of growing such a find facial accessory, wanted a stache. They were yearning for one. And the organization stepped up in a big way at the team’s 2012 season opener, by giving the entrants the "Fisher Stache."

Many of these stache’s have gone un-groomed for the better part of one calendar year, though. Enter Kent; the world’s finest maker of Mustache Combs. Unlike Levi’s - who have been established for a meager 130 years - Kent’s reputation has been preceding itself since 1777. That’s older. Much older. And while those looking to strike it rich in the late 1700’s may have been pantless as a result of Strauss's procrastination, Kent was there to meet all of their mustache-ial needs.

The company’s slogan "The Perfect Companion For Your Mustache Grooming Journey" is fitting. The arrival of the team’s new head coach and the addition of your top lip food preserver can, and more so - should - accompany one another as the Rams’ venture to right their ship. What better way to show the fans you appreciate them on September 8th’s home opener against the Arizona Cardinals than by saying "Hey, you’ve got a mustache. You should comb it!"?

Kent is probably going to require the assistance of the Rams faithful to make this deal work. For the most part, Kent mustache comb’s run about $6. The 49ers new stadium will cost approximately $1.2bil, with $220mil coming from the aforementioned jean-maker. That’s about 36,700,000 stache combs. I’ll trust that if you’re interested in keeping the Rams in St. Louis, you’ll not only be willing to fork over the $6 to maintain the freshest of mustaches, but that you’ll also be telling 2,000 of your friends.

This deal may not be in the cards. To be fair, it’s not even in the beginning stages of negotiation. I’m really the only person on the planet that’s thought this was a good idea. That’s a pretty powerful thing, when you consider every idea started with one person at some point and I'm a person. I checked with a number of people, and at least half agree I'm a person, so there you are...

At a minimum, just say ‘Comb Dome’ in a voice similar to a guy who does the voice-overs for scary movie trailers, and tell me it doesn't sound like an awesome place to be beat up on some acid-washed jean wearing 49ers.

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