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Sick of all the mock drafts out there? This is how it will go down! Book it!

The 2013 NFL draft is finally upon us! I have consulted the Mayan calendar, Nostradamus' Quatrains, The Bible, the Koran, Edgar Cayce (via seance), visited a couple Greek Oracle caves, studied the barometric pressure over each NFL city for the past 7 days, risked being eaten by the cannibalistic Korowai in New Guinea when I traveled there to contemplate at the ancient shrine of "thisishowthedraftwillgodummy", burned some Caribou bones in my backyard and read the cracks, damaged my eyesight reading the over 1,000,000 mock drafts posted on the web, and most importantly of all studied every damn one of Mel Kiper Jr.'s NFL draft guides he's published annually since 1979. The end result? I have been able to determine exactly how the first round of the draft will play out.

1 - Chiefs - Luke Joeckel - Albert will be traded to Dolphins prior to draft, so they take best LT and best player available #1 overall
2 - Jags - Ziggy Ansah - They need a cornerstone caliber player, and he's their guy to help their anemic, NFL worst pass rush
3 - Raiders - Sharrif Floyd - Raiders need a lot of help, Floyd provides it along D-line that is very thin
4 - Eagles - Dion Jordan - With best LT off the board they nab dynamic 3-4 OLB to help in switch from 4-3
5 - Lions - Eric Fisher - Need an OT to replace the retired Jeff Backus (currently have only 2 OT's on roster)
6 - Browns - Dee Milliner - Almost consensus top CB in the draft, and they badly need a CB to pair with Joe Haden
7 - Cardinals - Lane Johnson - Thanks to Albert trade, Johnson falls to the Cards here
8 - Bills - Chance Warmack - Bills need to fill hole left by departure of Andy Levitre
9 - Jets - Barkevious Mingo - Rex Ryan happy to have real pass rusher from OLB spot
10 - Titans - Star Lotulelei - Titans need to shore up horrible run D and get best run stuffer in draft
11 - Chargers - Jarvis Jones - Can't pass on best pass rusher in draft
12 - Dolphins - Xavier Rhodes - Fills gaping hole at CB
13 - Jets (from Bucs) - DJ Hayden - Have to replace Revis
14 - Panthers - Sheldon Richardson - Instant upgrade to poor interior D-line that has been plaguing team for years
15 - Saints - Kenny Vaccaro - Historically bad defense gets athletic safety considered best in draft by most
16 - Vikings (from Rams) - Cordarrelle Patterson - Looking to trade in front of Steelers to grab their #1 WR, Rams are a willing trade partner
Trade Details: Rams receive pick number 23, 83, 102, & 120. Vikings receive pick number 16 & 113.
17 - Steelers - Tyler Eifert - Consolation prize for missing Patterson - big target for Big Ben and probably best receiving option in this draft
18 - Cowboys - Johnathan Cooper - O-line is a mess - Cooper is a gift here
19 - Giants - Alec Ogletree - LB corps is a mess, so Ogletree goes to the Big Apple
20 - Bears - DJ Fluker - With Eifert gone, Bears look to continue overhaul of O-line
21 - 49ers (from Bengals) - Tavon Austin - Harbaugh wants a new toy that he can use in spot situations to create mismatches
Trade Details: Bengals receive pick number 31, 74, & 93. 49ers receive pick number 21 & 84.
22 - Rams - John Cyprien - Big, physical safety with range adds talent to already talented young secondary
23 - Rams (from Vikings) - Justin Hunter - The real reason the Rams went to Tennessee's pro day
24 - Colts - Desmond Trufant - Fills a need with a very talented player
25 - Vikings - Manti Te'o - The love affair with ND players continues in the Twin Cities
26 - Jags (from Packers) - EJ Manuel - Jags need QB help and they are high on Manuel
Trade Details: Packers receive pick number 33 & 64. Jaguars receive pick number 26 & 88.
27 - Texans - Robert Woods - Need to address WR position and finally find a compliment to aging Andre Johnson
28 - Broncos - Sly Williams - Can't pass on his talent here, plus he fortifies interior of thin D-line
29 - Patriots - Matt Elam - Hard-hitting enforce for needy secondary
30 - Falcons - Kevin Minter - MLB they need to help shore up the middle of their defense, where they were gashed last year, especially in the post season
31 - Bengals (from 49ers) - Eddie Lacy - Adds needed boost to lackluster running game as the "Law Firm" just didn't get it done.
32 - Ravens - Keenan Allen - Replacement for Anquan Boldin, the player he best compares to

Well, there you have it. Now on to the Rams draft in particular.

In addition to everything I went through to gain the knowledge of how the first round would play out in general, in order to "see" who the Rams would select with each pick in particular throughout the entire draft the Greek Oracles told me I had to practice the ancient divination technique known as Cephalonomancy, which involves boiling a donkey's head and then reciting a list of names. If the skull crackles or the jaw moves when you speak a name... Boom! There's your guy. Unfortunately I had no idea how to get a hold of a donkey head, and my wife and kids wouldn't let me use the cat, so I instead used the ancient Japanese art of Dobutsu uranai, in which each person is categorized into an animal-type based on their birthdate, and based on that animal-type they are supposed to have certain personality traits. I then matched these personality traits with the Rams and voila! The key to unlocking who Fisher and Snead will select in this year's draft! So easy it's almost like stealing...

Round 1:
Pick #22 - John Cyprien S
Pick #23 - Justin Hunter WR

Round 2:
Pick #46 - Quinton Patton WR

Round 3:
Pick # 78 - Phillip Thomas S
Pick #83 - David Quessenberry G/C/OT

Round 4:
Pick #102 - Tyrann Mathieu CB
Pick #120 - Brennan Williams OT

Round 5:
Pick #149 - Devonte Holloman OLB

Round 6:
Pick #184 - Josh Boyd DT

Round 7:
Pick #222 - Ronnie Wingo RB

Well there it is. Sorry to take all of the excitement out of the upcoming draft. I have to go now and round up all the Tarantulas that got loose when I knocked over their cage while trying to use the ancient art of arachnomancy to improve my predictions for the draft. Too bad they don't eat cats.

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