St. Louis Rams: A Mock Draft the Platt Way...

Joe Robbins

"Just get in that hideous car of yours and get out here!" Derinda slammed down the phone. She'd been pondering what to do since she learned the St. Louis Rams scouting department had cut her off. She'd basically blackmailed Les Snead for one of the two Rams' first round picks, so the entire "boys club" had come together to make sure the one pick they still held would be better than hers. They were still miffed Stan Kroenke, the Rams owner, had decided Derinda had earned the pick fair and square, and had even awarded her another in a later round. Now she sat in her office trying to decide which college players to choose, and her head began to ache. She needed to change the game, so she'd called on her friend in New Mexico. If there was one person who could throw Jeff Fisher, Les Snead and Kevin Demoff for a loop, it was her friend. Let's face it, she thought, he drove everyone nuts.

Derinda's office door flew open. In walked Jeff Fisher and Les Snead, and both had smiles on their faces. Les was about to take a picture of her draft prospects board with his cell phone, but stopped when a stapler flew by his head. Derinda jumped out of her chair after her near perfect throw, and tried to block their view of the board with her body. Arms spread wide, her back to the board, she glared at them, "Get the hell outta here!"

Jeff sat down in one of the chairs in front of her desk, as Les straightened his hair after the near miss. "Now, now Derinda, we're all on the same team here... We thought you might like our help?" Jeff studied her possible choices that he could still make out as she tried to block her prospect lists. He began to sweat when he saw her wide receiver list. She had players who would be 7th round picks rated as first rounders. "There's no way that Mississippi State kid goes anywhere near the first round..."

Les dropped his phone when her defensive player group came into view. "Why do you have the Connecticut kid ranked so high?"

"Never you mind why... When my scouting team gets here, we're goin' to show you two what's what!" She stuck her lower lip out as her head began to nod.

Jeff looked at Les, and they both made low pitched groaning sounds. "What scouting team? Don't tell me..."

"I ain't gonna tell you nothin'." Derinda looked for something else to throw at them. She didn't want to admit it, but her feeling were hurt. She'd begun to think she was part of the team, but the damn draft pick she'd taken as her own had made things around the office go south more than she'd ever imagined. It was made worse by Mr. Kroenke giving her the third round pick too. He'd told his head coach and general manager he wanted a different take on the players in the NFL Draft, and Derinda was who he'd chosen.

Fisher knew at least one of the people she'd bring in, and the guy was a total nut case. He'd been there during the Christmas tree fiasco, and always seemed to be around whenever Derinda got into trouble. "I'll give you a 5th round pick if you don't bring in that idiot from New Mexico!" He reached out and covered Les' mouth when he began to object. "Don't say a damn word! That guy will have her drafting a three foot tall defensive tackle out of Canada because his name rhymes with Cheetos!"

"There's a player whose name rhymes with Cheetos?" Derinda turned to her draft board, searching for the name.

Les broke free of Jeff's hand, "So who else is on your war room staff?"

"What war room? Men crack me up! Everything has somethin' to do with the Dirty Dozen, or that Pattonberg guy." She began to snicker, "War this, and war that... It's a damn draft!"

"Pattonberg?" Les looked at Jeff.

"She means General Patton," he shook his head. "That was a great movie... Remember when he screamed at that German plane to shoot at his nose?"

Les smiled at the memory, and he and Jeff began to run through their favorite moments in the famous movie starring George C. Scott.

Derinda stared at them, and after five minutes of "Patton talk", she screamed, shaking her head so her blonde hair swirled like a mop gone wild.

Jeff and Les looked at her, and simultaneously said: "What?"

She blew out a long breath as she parted the hair in front of her face, "Get out! You ain't gettin' my draft picks, so tryin' to drive me crazy ain't gonna work." She held up her hand to stop Jeff and Les' from arguing. "One more word and I'll trade the picks to the New York Jets for that Tee-bone guy!"

Both Les and Jeff yelped at the thought of Tim Tebow as they backed out of the room.

Derinda slammed her office door closed, then returned to her draft board. She felt tears forming, but shook off the urge to cry. Steeling her resolve, she decided she needed more help than just her friend from New Mexico. What was the name of that guy her friend had told her about before she'd accidentally thrown Bubba Steinberg's Beans and Kreplach in his face? Vanderbibble? She'd also heard of a guy Treekay... They wrote for one of the websites that reported on all the St. Louis Rams news. She decided to build her own war room, however dumb she thought the name was for a group of scouts gathered in a conference room. Derinda called her friend, "What's the name of that site you go on and on about?"

"Bubba Washington's Buxom Beauties? So that's why you won't go out with me..."

"Buxom Bea... Eeeeew! That's one of them porno-monography sites, isn't it? You're sick!" She heard laughter coming through the phone. "Did you just call me a lesbian?" She growled.

"What site are you looking for?" He listened while she explained what was going on, and how she needed to find people for a draft war room. "I know a few guys who could help... Do we get to go to New York City for the actual draft?" He wondered if his Yugo would make it to the edge on town, much less half way across the country.

"No, I don't think so... That would be fun though... I could do some shopping while you guys pick players?" Not a bad idea? She'd ask Mr. Kroenke the next time he called.

His car began to sputter as it chugged down the road toward St. Louis, Missouri. He'd just cleared his hometown's city limits when the car gave an almighty belch of smoke and died. "I'll have to call you right back!" He ended the call as the car slowly rolled to the side of the road. "Damn!"

"Hello? Hello? You son of... If you're tryin' to get out of helpin' me, I'll kick your..." She dropped the phone and stared at it. "Bastard!" She said to the empty office. Turning to the wall covered with NFL Draft prospect she'd copied off of a website earlier in the morning in case Fisher and Snead showed up, it looked like some kind of bizarre foreign language to her. There was a guy named "Rambo" on the list that made her laugh every time she saw it. Gathering her strength, she decided to soldier on. How hard could it be, right? All these guys had played college football, so how bad could any of them be? Then she remembered how intense Jeff Fisher and Les Snead were when they talked about the NFL Draft...

Derinda began to look through all the different websites that featured the NFL Draft. "Oh my God! There's thousands of these damn sites?" She felt tears beginning to well up again as she clicked from one site to the next. She landed on a site called "Mocking the Draft" and studied it for a few minutes. Then she realized it must be a joke site that made fun of the draft. "HA! Mocking the Draft! I'm serious, dammit!" Her phone rang, "Yeah, what do you want, and who would you pick in the first round!" She yelled into the phone. Rubbing her face with her hand, she realized she'd just asked the building's maintenance man who he'd take in the first round of the NFL Draft. Before he could answer, she yelled, "Oh never mind... Now leave me the hell alone!" Her computer beeped at her, which is something it normally didn't do. Looking at the screen, she watched it change from the desktop image, to a chat room page entitled: "Big D's War Room". A message appeared:

"Hi Derinda! Ready to make a few draft picks?"

Derinda fell over backwards in her chair. She scrabbled to her feet, and stared at the screen. She typed: "Who are you?"

"I'm a member of your war room. You can call me DC. Your friend in New Mexico set this up. Is he there?"

She looked around the room, "No?"

"Well let me tell you a bit about me and the people who are going to be helping you out. As I said, my name is DC. I like Tofu, hairless cats, and I have a tattoo of Robert Griffin III's face on my chest. I'm really into hand lotion, and my wife teaches fitness classes and is a prune-tarian."

She began to snicker, "What the hell is a prune-tarian?"

"She only eats prunes, but it isn't as crazy as it sounds. She made Prune lasagna last night. It was really good, but you have to get used to the texture... and the color..."

Derinda threw up a bit in her mouth. She grabbed a breath mint, "OK, so who else is in this war room?"

"Well, there's 3k. He specializes in small school prospects."

Her chin dropped, and she angrily replied, "There ain't no way some child molester is helping me draft players. Tell him to get the hell away from those small schools, dammit!"

"LMAO! No, I meant to say he focuses on colleges who don't play big named NCAA schools. They usually field some outstanding players, just not all that many. Next, we have RG31. He's our wide receiver specialist."

She leaned into the computer screen, "What's RG31 stand for?"

"None of us know, but we're pretty sure the "RG" stands for Rudolf Gumpstopper. The other guy helping out is Eric. He's our computer wiz, and he has a crush on Google."

"Gumpstopper?" She said aloud to the empty room. Then she thought about Eric, "How can anyone have a crush on Google?"

"You'll have to ask him, but he plans to marry their browser... Anyway, I have their data if you'd like to go through it?"

She couldn't stop laughing, but was able to type: "Sure"

"Well first, we'll built you a mock draft. This will show you how we feel the other NFL teams will draft in the first round. We've built in a proposed trade for the Rams #22 pick we think will work to achieve your goals, and should give you additional picks in the draft."

Derinda groaned. Not more damn picks! She thought she better break the bad news to them that she also had a third round pick to deal with, as well as the 5th round choice if she told her friend in New mexico to stay home. The response wasn't what she thought. The chat screen went crazy, with Eric, 3k and DC typing things like "Yes!"... "Outstanding!"... "Word"... "We'll kill this thing!" RG31 added a single "Gurgle-easle Gumpgleebin!"

While Derinda search online for the definition of RG31's response, the chat room continued to motor on as they began tossing player names and trade ideas around. What Derinda thought was an argument erupted between DC and 3k. "Calm down, or I'll kick you all in the Gleasle!" She pressed the keys hard so they would know she was serious.

A series of question marks began to appear in the chat thread. DC was first to say something she'd understand. "We're just discussing players... What does "gleasle" mean?"

Derinda's head began to wobble, and she reached for the bottle of Bourbon she hid in her desk for emergencies. "Never mind... So who do I pick?"

"We'll get back to you in a few minutes with our recommendations. Bye for now!" DC said. A purple smiley face, that looked like a prune, appeared for a second, then the screen disappeared, replaced by her desk top image.

She took a long pull from the bottle just as her office door flew open once again. She spewed the fine Kentucky bourbon across the room, the spray wafting over Kevin Demoff as he stepped into the room. He backed out of the office as he tried to wipe off whatever it was that had landed on his face and suit. "My God Derinda! I just dropped in to see how you're doing. What is this stuff?"

"You know what nerve gas is?" She burped and took another swig of Bourbon. Demoff screamed and ran down the hall.

Half an hour later, her computer chirped at her, and a file appeared. It was a detailed Mock Draft of the first round of the NFL Draft, and suggested choices for later rounds. It included a proposed trade for her #22 pick, as well as trades for the other 31 NFL teams. "Wow... Well slap my gleasle!" She began to read...

Pick #1 - Kansas City Chiefs TRADE with the Miami Dolphins - 1st pick overall for Miami's #12 pick, #42 second round pick, and a 3rd round pick ( #82), 2014 second round pick . They Select Luke Joeckle, Offensive Tackle, Texas A&M

Pick #2 - Jacksonville Jaguars - Geno Smith, quarterback, West Virginia

Pick #3 - Oakland Raiders - Dee Milliner, corner back, Alabama

Pick #4 - Philadelphia Eagles - TRADE with St. Louis Rams for Pick #22, #78 (3rd rd), and #149 (5th rd), plus player - Roger Saffold, OT. They select Chance Warmack, Guard, Alabama

Pick #5 - Detroit Lions - Ezekial Ansah, Defensive End/Outside linebacker, BYU

Pick #6 - Cleveland Browns - Dion Jordan, outside linebacker, Oregon

Pick #7 - Arizona Cardinals - Eric Fisher, offensive tackle, Central Michigan

Pick #8 - Buffalo Bills - Tavon Austin, wide receiver, West Virginia

Pick #9 - New York Jets - Sharrif Floyd, defensive tackle, Florida

Pick #10 - Tennessee Titans - Xavier Rhodes - corner back, Florida State

Pick #11 - San Diego Chargers - Cordarrelle Patterson, wide receiver, Tennessee

Pick #12 - Kansas City Chiefs (via Miami) - Lane Johnson, offensive tackle, Oklahoma

Pick #13 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers - D.J. Fluker, offensive tackle, Alabama

Pick #14 - Carolina Panthers - Sheldon Richardson, defensive tackle, Missouri

Pick #15 - New Orleans Saints - Barkevious Mingo, defensive end/outside linebacker, LSU

Pick #16 - St. Louis Rams - Jarvis Jones, defensive end/outside linebacker, Georgia

Pick #17 - Pittsburgh Steelers - Keenan Allen, wide receiver, California

Pick #18 - Dallas Cowboys - Kenny Vacarro, safety, Texas

Pick #19 - New York Giants - Arthur Brown, line backer, Kansas State

Pick #20 - Chicago Bears - Kevin Minter, linebacker, LSU

Pick #21 - Cincinnati Bengals - Menelik Watson, offensive tackle, Florida State

Pick #22 - Philadelphia Eagles (via Rams) - Star Lotulelei, Defensive tackle, Utah

Pick #23 - Minnesota Vikings - Desmond Trufant, corner back, Washington

Pick #24 - Indianapolis Colts - Johnathan Cooper, guard, North Carolina

Pick #25 - Minnesota Vikings - Justin Hunter, wide receiver, Tennessee

Pick #26 - Green Bay Packers - Alec Ogletree, linebacker, Georgia

Pick #27 - Houston Texans - DeAndre Hopkins, wide receiver, Clemson

Pick #28 - Denver Broncos - Datone Jones, defensive end, UCLA

Pick #29 - New England Patriots - Sylvester Williams, defensive tackle, North Carolina

Pick #30 - Atlanta Falcons - Alex Okafor, defensive end/outside linebacker, Texas

Pick #31 - San Francisco 49ers - Johnathan Hankins, defensive tackle, Ohio State

Pick #32 - Baltimore Ravens - Tyler Eifert, tight end, Notre Dame

...She finished reading the entire mock draft. She saw they'd projected Matt Elam, a safety out of Florida to the Rams in the second round, and a receiver named Aaron Dobson out of Marshall University in the 4th round. They'd stopped there, since there weren't any other picks that affected Derinda. She glanced at the now half empty bottle, and notice the room appeared to be slowly swirling around her. Picking up her phone, she dialed Jeff Fisher's extension. "This draftee stuff is easy as pie! I'm takin' that 5th round pick you offer to keep my friend away. Kind of mean of you, but I got a Warmack instead..." She slurred the words a bit and hung up the phone.

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