And now an editorial comment from Ms. Emily Litella. Ms Litella ...
Thank you, young man. What's all this fuss I keep hearing about Samuel L. Jackson leaving the St Louis Rams because they don't have enough hat room?!?!?!?! Why that's crazy! Not only is Mr. Jackson a fine running person, but he also got all those snakes off of that GD air plane. Doesn't that count for something?!?!?!
I mean a guy runs for 400 yards a season for like 5 years, and you just kick him to the curb? Why, that's not right! If you don't have room for all your hats, you take some of them to Goodwill or you give some to your sister (even though she never says thank you) or you build a bigger hat closet. Why did you buy all those hats in the first place?? It's not Mr. Jackson's fault that you have a terrible hat fetish! You just shouldn't treat people that way.
What happens if we finally get a good o-line, or more snakes climb onto another air plane? You're gonna want somebody who can bust a move in space and kick ass serpentine-style. (I said ass, tee hee.) Now aren't you?
Isaiah Pead, you say??? Nancy, please! He couldn't even get on base last year, and he probably couldn't even get an asthmatic earthworm off an air plane. (Just saying.) I'm just so mad!
Ms Litella, Ms Litella! Please calm down. I'm afraid a few of the things you said are ... uh ... just not true.
Firstly, I believe you are referring to Mr. Steven Jackson - running back for the St Louis Rams, not Mr. Samuel L. Jackson, the accomplished actor. And, to my knowledege, I don't think Mr. Steven Jackson has ever had any run-ins with snakes on any air craft.
Secondly, I believe you mean cap space - NFL salary cap space. (That's exactly what I said! Cap space, hat room - what's the freaking difference? It all means you have too many gosh darn hats!)
No, in this case, we're talking about the total amount of salary available to pay a football team. And Mr. Steven Jackson wasn't fired. He's just going to see if there is another team that has more available money to pay him. He might even decide to stay with the Rams.
Thirdly, Mr. Steven Jackson ran for over 1000 yards for 8 straight years - not 400 for 5 years. That's quite an accomplishment.
And finally, Mr. Pead didn't get on base because that is a baseball term. He is a football player. And while he didn't get a lot of playing time last year, he is expected to do much better this year. OK??
Well ..., I guess that is completely different. NEVERMIND!
Now. What is this I hear about Quarterback Samuel L. Branford making too much cheddah? Is there a limit to how much cheese each player can have too?? Is it because his eyes look like they came from two different Mamas? Or because he wears fuzzy pastel sweaters? Well, I don't think that's fair. Dairy is a very important food group for a growing boy.
Thanks for reading if you got this far and have a great weekend. And for the less old, this was a gag on Weekend Update from the early days of Saturday Night Live - back when it was relevant.
Hey, just 55 days til "The Draft". Don't forget the various Player Pro Days between now and then to stoke those rumors!
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This just in:
"Joe Flacco and the Baltimore Ravens reached a tentative agreement Friday on a new contract that would make the Super Bowl MVP the highest-paid player in NFL history. If the deal is finalized, the veteran quarterback would receive in excess of $120 million over six years, according to a person close to the negotiations who spoke on condition of anonymity because the contract has not yet been signed."