Disclaimer: This is a new Onion-like series of articles I plan on writing. These are in no way factual, and should be read as such.


Roger Goodell Isn’t Concerned About The Rams

ST. LOUIS, MO - NFL Commissioner said that the St. Louis stadium issue isn’t on the backburner, or any burner for that matter? “Wait, there’s a team in St. Louis? Since when? 1995? Really? Damn. I should probably know that.” Goodell had no idea that the Rams had left Los Angeles. “I was wondering why everyone kept saying things about bringing a team to L.A. I thought they already had one. Blows my mind.”

It would seem as if rudimentary knowledge of all 32 NFL franchises would be a requirement of the commissioner, but Goodell justified his lack of awareness regarding the Rams. “My folks took me to a Cards game when I was a boy. We weren’t from the city and got lost. One thing led to another, and needless to say, we wound up in East St. Louis. We stopped and asked a young man for directions. Next thing we know, we’re all tied up in an abandoned house and well, that was pretty much how I spent the majority of my teens. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go back to pretending that St. Louis doesn’t exist. Go Pats!”

Police records do confirm that a family was locked up on the 600 block of 39th street for seven years in the 1960’s. Officials would not confirm or deny the commissioner’s story, but did not rule it out.