The most important draft profiles you will ever read.
The NFL draft will always have those obvious superstars that end up having great careers and end up in the HOF. There are even more however, that end up being busts or career backups. The task for NFL GM's and coaches is to find a star, while trying to find that diamond in the rough.
It doesn't get any rougher than these prospects.
Joe McAtee - 3k
Special Teams - Univ. of North Texas
Joe is one of the biggest mysteries in the Turf Show Times combine. Raised by a frontier woman from Louisiana, groomed by a man from Chicago, he understood confusion at a young age. A natural athlete, he lettered in three sports as early as his sophomore year, but deciding he would rather drink and cavort in college rather than spend all year working his ass off to be some bottom of the roster knee-sniffer, he made a wise choice to retire from formal athletics. That choice, sopping in wisdom, would be offered a foil when he joined the Army after graduating from
college. Two tours to Iraq later, he arrives at the TST Combine too old, too out of shape, and way too interested in braising, smoking and grilling meats.
- Age: 32
- Ht/Wt: 6'1 200lbs.
- Hand Size: Uh, thumb to finger
- Wing Span: Not bad?
- Good proportions, but could add bulk. Word is, he hasn't lifted in some time.
- Questionable commitment to the gym.
40 time: 4.9
- Joe would have easily clocked a mid-4 range in his youth. He is not in his youth. Plus, there's a good chance that after running a 40-yard dash at this point, some part of his body would break. Or tear. Or just disintegrate. Ever seen a hamstring disintegrate? And yet I still believe it's possible.
Vertical Jump: 28"
- A fine dunker in his youth, his jumping abilities have likely declined as well as his speed. Ask him to jump after dinner if you so choose, but maintain a distance of > 4'.
Three Cone Drill: No
- Joe declined to perform in this drill. He thought he smelled some onions and garlic sweating and wandered off thefield .
- Minimal at this point.
- Proudly Southern. Rabidly Southern. Disturbingly Southern. Questionably Southern. Great skills with a wooden spoon.
- Intensely familiar with bourbon. Intensely familiar with whiskey. Far too familiar with brown liquors.
- High tolerance levels for annoying things, thanks largely to a 3-year old daughter. Impressive commitment to sanity given the requests for certain television programs at 6am on a damn Saturday can I just get some sleep holy crap it's still too early for infomercials go back to bed. Maybe not so high.
- Suggests you move out of the way of his truck if given the option.
- Joe pretty much is useless to any football team at this point in every regard. There is a chance, though, he could be a short snapper. Fringe UDFA/football wiper.
University of Illinois
Position: Thrower of football. Catcher of football. Runner of football. Kicker of football. Football.
- Age: 20, but can "look" 21 at bars.
- Height: 5' 8"
- Weight: 188lbs
- Hand size: 7 1/4" Make fun of his girl sized hands and he will murder you.
- Wing Span: Sadly all his drinking of Red Bull has not given him wings just yet.
- 5.5, but ran his second try with a cheetah on his back, 3.5.
- Has slept on one in a park, multiple times.
- Gravity loves him, but to help solve this issue, he tried the advice of many wise men and shoved a rocket up his ass. He does not recommend you do the same.
Three Cone Drill: DNF
- At this point Brandon was on his 15th Red Bull and 21st Protein Shake. He collapsed before reaching the third cone and is currently still in critical condition.
- Dislocated his knee at a football game. Was not playing. Was in the stands. (No shit. This actually happened.)
- He is a passionate, border line insane, locker room leader as seen by the number of opposing Big Ten Basketball coaches (5) he has told to "Go f*** yourself" from the Orange Krush stands.
- A gentlemen of the Big Ten.
- Can make a bullshit essay better than any prospect this year.
- Surprisingly sensitive to gender issues. Was once quoted as saying "Calling female Geodudes, 'Geodude', is sexist."
- Immature. Still plays Pokemon.
- Despite his amazing production of 4 touchdowns in touch football games at Memorial Stadium he is pretty much useless on the football field, but if Steve Spagnuolo can fake an entire coaching resume, so to can Birkhead fake an NFL career.
Joe "Markisurdaddyboo" Stanfill
Defensive Back- Columbia Southern University
A military brat, raised around the Navy, Joe has a unique appreciation for our country. He spent the majority of his childhood in the deep south, where watching and reading Gone With the Wind is a rite of passage, and where anything and everything is fried. Joe has traveled the world on the taxpayers dime, having spent time on every continent expect the Arctic.
Joe's hobbies include hiking, bow hunting, sky diving, and reading the labels on cereal boxes. One of Joe's favorite pass times is driving and working on his 78' Jeep CJ7. You can always tell when Joe has been somewhere by the large pools of oil and transmission fluid on the ground.
- Age: 33
- Ht/Wt: 6' 210lbs.
- Hand Size: 10"
- Wing Span: 71"
- Prototypical size for the position, but will have to work on changing his body composition. One scout, who wishes to remain anonymous, was overheard at CSU's pro-day as saying of Joe, "If an NFL team wants a spare for their tire drill, they've found it in Stanfill."
40 time: 5:50
- Joe is compared to one of those import cars the braggy kid had in high school. "Oh it starts off slow, but when it reaches about the quarter mile mark, it really gets going."
- Joe will do best in situations where the ball is thrown to the opposite side of the field, or when he is on the sidelines. He mixes up some damn good Gatorade.
Vertical Jump: 22"
- Having grown up in the south, Stanfill is uniquely skilled at jumping. He spent his high school days attending Atlanta Braves games, where he would leap for baseballs, snagging them from little children and the elderly. He will surely improve at the vertical, as he plans to continue this training regimen at Busch Stadium in St. Louis.
Three Cone Drill: 6:00
- Joe prepared for the 3-cone by chasing his 19month old son around the living room while the kid was jacked up on several forms of sugary drinks and fruit roll-ups.
- While Stanfill has been plagued with injuries during his career, he has maintained a monthly subscription to Sports With Alternative to Steroids (S.W.A.T.S.). While he realizes the controversy this may cause in the NFL, he assures the Rams he will be able to "do without" the Deer Antler Spray; as long as he can visit his cousin Danny Johnisurdaddyboo Johnson in East St. Louis every week.
- Joe will be undergoing surgery in two weeks to repair a torn labrum. With average recovery time, he should be ready for camp.
- Joe is quoted as saying, "I just want to take care of my kids and their baby mommas. I'll do anything for my kids." Certainly, such an upstanding gentleman can handle the rigors of the NFL life.
- While being detained for public intoxication several times, he has never been formally charged. In all instances he was just drinking at home and decided to go for a run. He is a self-described "drinker with a running problem".
- While Joe may never reach the level of a Darrelle Revis or Aeneas Williams, he will certainly perform better than Tye Hill.
Eddie Perez - EddieP
- Perez isn't a household name, so here's a bit of info for you so you can get to know him as a person and as a player.
- From his J-Date Profile:
- Gov't Name: Eduardo Ebrahim "Eddie" Perez
- Age (At Time of the Draft): 22
- Astrological Sign: Taurus (April 20-May 20)
- Likes: Rap music (Mostly 90's hip-hop). R&B panty-droppas. Scenic beaches. Fine dining. Wine AND beer tasting (Sometimes to the point of inebriation). Comedy and action films. Women with "junk in the trunk." Football (catching balls, scoring touchdowns and knocking heads).
- Dislikes: Bustas, ugly b****es, Roger Goodell, and Bill Belichick.
- Hobbies: All types of ill shit!
- Rap music.
- R&B panty-droppas.
- I like this kid.
- The fact that his hobbies include "all types of ill shit" makes him a well-rounded individual. So now that you know him as a person, here is his scouting report:
- **Perez did mention he likes to experiment with different positions....
- Height: 5-10
- Weight: 175 lbs
- Arm Length: 33 3/5 inches
- Hand Size: 9 1/8 inches
- 40-yard dash: 4..50 (high), 5.99 (low) **His high 40-time actually means Perez ran it while high in Meth...
- Vertical Jump: +/- 24 inches
- Bench Press: Sure as hell can't bench 225 lbs.
- Perez does come with a lengthy injury list. He broke his right fibula and ribs at the age of five.
- He has also suffered a spinal chord contusion.
- But these injuries occurred over 17 years ago, so I wouldn't consider this as a red flag.
- Perez is definitely a high character player. He is indiscriminate; as a safety, he will
- tackle a referee just as good as he tackles ball-carriers.
- He's at his best when going after a defender. "I like to go at their knees, make sure they don't come back to play."
- As a pass-catcher, Perez is a master at creating space. Nothing stops him from getting open - sometimes going as far as tripping his own defender.
- He's a willing blocker in the run game, a definite plus at the wide receiver position. He has a nasty-streak to him. He'd make 2 Live Crew proud.
- This guy is a throwback. A player willing to go all out on the field, both as a defender and as a pass catcher.
- His style of play will most likely make Ndamukong Suh call
- him "dirty." This, however, is a style we've seen Jeff Fisher be fond of.
- We've seen Fisher & Co.take chances on players - Janoris Jenkins and his babies mommas - so I wouldn't be surprised if the Rams took a mid to late round flyer on this guy.
Tyler "The Electric Football" Bishop
Footballer, Parts Unknown (also Lindenwood University)
- Sub-par height and weight - will have to convert to another position at the next level.
- Modern science tells us his height will likely not increase, but Tyler has expressed a pro-PED approach to his training regimen.
- He has reportedly tested positive for Trader Joe's multi-vitamins several times.
Projected 40 time:
- Between 4.24 and 5.24, depending on wind resistance.
- Has shown elite level burst - mostly Starbursts though.
- Teams will be looking to see how he runs at the combine.
- Tyler was able to clarify why there were such dramatic differences in his times after a recent training session, "I only run hard if the coaches are watching, or the cops are coming, otherwise what's the point", said Tyler.
Projected Vertical Jump:
- Can touch at least touch a basketball rim
- Scouts say he's a good jumper, but not a great jumper. This could cause him to slide on draft day.
- Extremely fragile player.
- Sources say he complains a lot about past injuries.
- To his credit, earlier this year he was quoted saying, "Yeah, sometimes I get hurt, but sometimes it snows too. My point is... it's not always snowing".
- Tyler seemed caught off guard by the questions and actually faked a heart attack to get out of the rest of the interview.
- Scouts have added "possible heart problems" to the list of question marks surrounding Tyler's health.
- Scouts say he's a gambler, a real risk-taker. Unfortunately this often occurs at Casino's outside of the training facility.
- It was reported that he once tried to place a large sum of money on "red" while playing blackjack.
- He was later ejected from the facility after biting other patrons, and claiming that he was a "super-zombie".
- While many would look at these reports as red flags, Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis went on record to say, "I think it just goes to show that he's not afraid to take big risks, and that he's hungry to compete".
- Tony Softli Certified Blue Player
Sergey Konyshev - sergey606
RB/S/WR/OL, University of Nevada, Reno
Standing at 5'11", weighing 178 lbs, this University of Nevada Running Back/Safety/Wide Receiver/Offensive Lineman has turned some heads leading-up to the combine. He has been described as a rhinoceros with the speed of a butterfly. He has taken the Wonderlic, STD, Litmus, and Paternity tests - most of the results came back as "positive". His best 40-yard dash time came in at 5.12, setting a new Russian Federation record, previously held by Scottie Pippen. His vertical leap of 12 inches has, in fact, proven that he's white. Sergey can easily bench press 100 lbs, a benefit of taking HGH for 13 years while residing in Chernobyl.
The background of Sergey is what makes him a unique prospect. He was on the bowling and tennis teams in high school, which clearly demonstrates that he can perform under pressure. Growing-up in Alaska, it only makes sense that he is a St. Louis Rams fan.
Keep an eye out for this White Russian as the Rams are strongly considering drafting Sergey with their 6th round pick.
QB, Washington DC Penitentiary
Inspired by the success of former Rams' great Kurt Warner, Brandon Bate - Senior Vegetable Technician at Shoppers Food Warehouse - decided it was time to stop accepting checks, and start cashing big ones. Knowing that he was "Ballin' on Another Level" [at least according to the tattoo on the small of his back] Brandon knew the time had come to start receiving footballs...not yucca root. His mom dropped him off at the NFL Combine in Indianapolis. The results were as follows:
- Ranges from 5-9 seconds. A 40 consumed straight from the bottle will take Brandon no more than 9 seconds, but can be lowered to 6 with a bendy straw. Brandon's 40-time with a funnel and two-foot piece of vinyl tubing is a lightning quick 4 seconds flat...or carbonated
- The test of strength. Pumping out multiple reps of 225 lbs. is not Bate's forte. After the bar immediately bounced off of his jugular, he did however show his resilience. While both the athlete and the bar laid on the ground, Brandon regrouped and displayed a more important strength: inner strength. "6.5 butt-up pushups after having your trachea nearly collapsed is equally as impressive as what Don Jerry Poe did in 2012," said Bate's mother, who was interviewed shortly after the drill was completed.
- Who says white men can't jump? Brandon Bate does, that's who! After a visit to the men's room, Brandon was able to improve his initial Vertical result from 14" to 15.5." More impressive, though, was how he prepared for the test of explosiveness. Bate was unable to successfully dunk the WNBA ball he brought along with him, but his finger roll was a thing of beauty.
- Brandon sat this one out. Stating that the event was the NFL's "test of character" he refused to jump in what he had dubbed a ‘sexist' event. He then skipped to the concession stand at an impressive clip. It would appear - based upon his stride - that he'd easily be able to clear 48"...though it's difficult to gauge from the glare off his LA Lights.
Three Cone Drill:
- After being told that he'd need to take off the roller skates - not blades - Brandon became confused and enraged. He then proceeded to pick up the first two cones and perform a rendition of the Madonna classic ‘Vogue.' Once done, he looked directly into the camera, dropped the cones, and whispered ‘Seacrest Out.' He then grabbed the third cone and headed to the men's room. This was found later on that day.
- 6.1 seconds. There was a bit of controversy surrounding the event, as Brandon argued with NFL Officials in regards to previous athletes not picking up a chalkboard eraser. When Officials told him that no eraser was required, he reached into the back pocket of his cutoff jean shorts and pulled out a hard copy of his Presidential Physical Fitness Award from elementary school. He then stared directly into the eyes of the official and sang - in entirety - ‘Can't See Me' by Tupac.
- Broke parole to attend. Is wanted in 14 states.
Punter - ITT Tech Southeastern Fairfax Satellite Branch
- 6' 1", 180lbs.
- Let's be honest- measurements for punters are pretty pointless. Punters themselves are pretty worthless as well. Unless you can throw, which, well, he can't. His doodling and internet trolling skills are also well below average, which makes Nagel a completely one-dimensional punter.
40 Time: 8.9 Seconds
- Again, Punters never run, so this stat is somewhat moot. Nagel is expected to put in a slightly better combine performance in the 7.8 second range (workout warrior, anyone?), so naturally Oakland has reportedly been interested in him as a day one pick.
Bench Press: N/A
- Nagel skipped this drill, reportedly saying, "I don't need that shit- it's all in the legs," while consuming a large, jelly-filled, glazed donut. As such, he was immediately invited to Mike Holmgren's punting school.
- In the team interviews, Nagel said that, "my best trait is my ability to kick balls hard. If a team needs me to come out and kick, I'll kick. If they need me to sit on the bench 90% of the time, I'll do that too." He was stand-offish according to some inside sources, most likely due to his friendship with Phillip Rivers. His criminal record has been sealed, but sources say the Bengals are interested regardless.
- Nagel is an impressive punter with serious ball-kicking skills. Most scouts interviewed compared him to Ray Guy, if Ray Guy was terrible.
- Estimated Draft Position: Oakland Raiders, Round 1, Pick 3.
Ryan Van Bibber
Wing Back - Univ. of Wyoming
Van Bibber may be the most enigmatic participant in the TST combine. Were you to be told Wyoming was the most hipster college in 2013, surprise should not be one of your first reactions. Were you told that Van Bibber attended said institution some time ago...well, if you have trouble acknowledging others' foresight, that's your problem. An assiduous writer, Van Bibber often writes content without even being aware he's doing so. Once wrote a 4,000 word piece titled "Here's What Happened While You Were Asleep" while asleep.
- Age: 34ish
- Ht/Wt: 5'11"ish, maybe 180 lbs.?
- Hand Size: Human
- Wing Span: Complete
40 time: Depends
- If you acknowledge the existence of time as a measurable quantity, then he's probably not that fast.
- If, however, in the Leibnizian school of thought followed by Kant, you believe that time in and of itself is an unquantifiable construct of the mind that bears no manifestation and is limited only by human cognizance, then he's as equally slow and fast as anyone else as such attributes are creations of the impossible. Pretty obvious.
Vertical Jump: So-so
- High enough to jump over stuff that needs to be jumped over and no more. Anything else would be greedy.
Three Cone Drill: All three
- Van Bibber technically failed to complete the drill, instead deciding to touch each cone just once. Asked why he did not finish the drill, he said he thought returning to the starting point was "a bit over the top, no? I mean come on..."
- Deficient carpal tunnel strength.
- Eyesight a minus.
- Principles unshakable.
- Wise beyond his years. And fairly disparaging of those who aren't.
- Home bias seems not to penetrate his outer layers. May need to watch more ESPN to dumb him down some.
- Quotes Sartre at random times. Could use a bit more awareness here.
- Phenomenal work rate. Raises flags about possible meth use. Living in the Ozarks raises them higher.
- A leader that most teams could use in some fashion. Perhaps some franchises would be willing to stick him at the wingback and try to use him in some kind of newfangled wing-T-read-option-sweep scheme.