Disclaimer: This is a new Onion-like series of articles I plan on writing. These are in no way factual, and should be read as such.
Craig Dahl Look-alike Mercilessly Beaten
HOUSE SPRINGS, MO - Greg Dahl was assaulted in the House Springs Wal-Mart on Tuesday afternoon. Dahl was approached in the lawn and garden section by several Rams fans at approximately 4:25 p.m. Wal-Mart employee Sheila Dunforth saw the makings of an altercation. "That Rams fella was just standing there, staring at mulch, just studying bags of crap for what seemed like hours. I mean, I guess it takes one to know one, right? But that whole time, there was this group of folks huddled over by the pesticides, talking real quiet-like. Next thing I know, one of ‘em walks up, and starts screaming at that poor man. Then, BAM!, he took a lawn gnome over his head." The next natural step was to call the police. "No, I didn’t call nobody. Did you see that guy play? Cost us three or four games, I bet. I really didn’t think this was a big deal. This was just an old-fashioned ‘getting-what-you-got-coming-to-ya’ sort of scenario. Hell, I grabbed some lighter fluid and my Viginia Slims. I wasn’t about to let them have all the fun. Plus, it wouldn’t have been the first time that sumbitch got burned this season."
Greg Dahl of House Springs, MO
The man that nearly a dozen House Springs residents were beating was not, in fact, Rams safety Craig Dahl. The victim was a man of similar stature and looks, Greg Dahl, also of House Springs. Dahl spent three days in the hospital, one of which in a medically induced coma. "I was just there, picking out fertilizer, when this guy walked up to me and asked if I was Greg Dahl, at least that’s what I thought. Boy, is my face red. If I’d have known he said Craig Dahl, I’d have said ‘Hell no! Do I look like a steaming dog turd?’. Next thing I know, I’m sitting in a hospital bed. Believe you me, I want Craig Dahl gone more than anybody. I get my ass kicked three or four times a season. Hell, my grandma broke my arm after the Minnesota game."
Dahl will not be pressing charges, as the lawyer fees are yet another thing that he can’t cover.