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BREAKING NEWS: Craig Dahl Look-alike Mercilessly Beaten

Disclaimer: This is a new Onion-like series of articles I plan on writing. These are in no way factual, and should be read as such.



Craig Dahl Look-alike Mercilessly Beaten

HOUSE SPRINGS, MO - Greg Dahl was assaulted in the House Springs Wal-Mart on Tuesday afternoon. Dahl was approached in the lawn and garden section by several Rams fans at approximately 4:25 p.m. Wal-Mart employee Sheila Dunforth saw the makings of an altercation. "That Rams fella was just standing there, staring at mulch, just studying bags of crap for what seemed like hours. I mean, I guess it takes one to know one, right? But that whole time, there was this group of folks huddled over by the pesticides, talking real quiet-like. Next thing I know, one of ‘em walks up, and starts screaming at that poor man. Then, BAM!, he took a lawn gnome over his head." The next natural step was to call the police. "No, I didn’t call nobody. Did you see that guy play? Cost us three or four games, I bet. I really didn’t think this was a big deal. This was just an old-fashioned ‘getting-what-you-got-coming-to-ya’ sort of scenario. Hell, I grabbed some lighter fluid and my Viginia Slims. I wasn’t about to let them have all the fun. Plus, it wouldn’t have been the first time that sumbitch got burned this season."

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Greg Dahl of House Springs, MO

The man that nearly a dozen House Springs residents were beating was not, in fact, Rams safety Craig Dahl. The victim was a man of similar stature and looks, Greg Dahl, also of House Springs. Dahl spent three days in the hospital, one of which in a medically induced coma. "I was just there, picking out fertilizer, when this guy walked up to me and asked if I was Greg Dahl, at least that’s what I thought. Boy, is my face red. If I’d have known he said Craig Dahl, I’d have said ‘Hell no! Do I look like a steaming dog turd?’. Next thing I know, I’m sitting in a hospital bed. Believe you me, I want Craig Dahl gone more than anybody. I get my ass kicked three or four times a season. Hell, my grandma broke my arm after the Minnesota game."

Dahl will not be pressing charges, as the lawyer fees are yet another thing that he can’t cover.

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