Disclaimer: This is a new Onion-like series of articles I plan on writing. These are in no way factual, and should be read as such.
Janoris Jenkins Signs Endorsement Deal With Trojan Condoms
ST. LOUIS, MO - This morning, second year Rams cornerback Janoris Jenkins inked a deal to become the newest spokesman of Trojan condoms. Trojan’s Director of Marketing Matthew Sheets said that Jenkins was a natural fit. “He had a great year last year, obviously, and we at Trojan think we’d be hard-pressed to find a better fit to be the face of our brand. He’s charismatic, well-spoken, and humble. We’re really pleased to bring Janoris into the fold. He oozes confidence, and that’s what we wanted in our newest public figure, oozing.”
At the time of publishing, Jenkins has four children with three different women, so he’s certainly no rookie in the bedroom. When asked about his prophylactic preference, Jenkins didn’t come off like someone what was just hired to promote the use of condoms. “Hell no.” However, Jenkins was fairly adamant that with the terms of his new endorsement deal, he’ll be more apt to use protection. “Before, I was knee deep in it and frankly, I couldn’t afford that many rubbers. Part of my deal is that I get free Trojan condoms for life. You better believe I’m gonna take advantage of that.” Reports from Trojan have indicated that Jenkins has already requested an initial supply of 5,000.
Jenkins may have found his calling as a commercial pitchman. According to his agent, Jenkins is in talks with several other companies in need of a new spokesman. This afternoon, a representative from Zig-Zag tobacco was seen taking Jenkins out to a local Schnuck’s for a mid-afternoon snack. According to the cashier, Evelyn Palms, the two walked out with quite a cartload. “They bought nothing of substance. A few bags of Funyuns, three Red Baron pizzas, approximately 18 feet of Nerd Rope, four bags of Cool Ranch Doritos, an entire case of Cheez-its, our entire supply of Jack Links beef Jerky, and enough Sprite to have put out the Great Chicago Fire. I’m surprised they were able to get it all in the cart. They had something in their eyes, they were red and dilated. I asked if they were farmers, because they smelled like they’d just ambled into a skunk den. They laughed for what had to be 20, 25 straight minutes.”
Jenkins could not be reached for comment, as his agent said that he was “sound asleep.”