Disclaimer: This is a new Onion-like series of articles I plan on writing. These are in no way factual, and should be read as such.
Marshall Faulk Stares Man To Death
NEW YORK, NY - On Sunday, former Rams great and current NFL Network analyst Marshall Faulk glared so hard at a New Orleans Saints fan, that the man immediately burst into flames. Remy Thibault, 31 of New Orleans was in the big apple taking a sightseeing tour. An eyewitness said that Thibault offended Faulk with his comparison of the Hall of Famer to a current NFL player. "I don’t know, man, this funny looking dude wearing a sleeveless vest and some silly hat lined with gator teeth walked right up to Marshall Faulk and said that he reminded him of Darren Sproles," said George Johnson, who was seeking an autograph from Faulk. "Marshall throws this dude a look that says "Are you kidding me?", but there was something else on it. He was mumbling to himself in a real deep, demonic voice. Next thing I know, the Cajun dude just caught fire. Poof. Dead."
Paramedics rushed to the scene after getting a call about a man spontaneously combusting, only to find charred pavement, and not much else. "We got a 666 call, man caught ablaze, for right outside of the NFL Network studios. EMS responded in a timely manner, but when we got there, there was nothing but burnt sidewalk. Nothing. From the looks of it, the guy wasn’t even on fire long enough for the bums to huddle around him and get warm." First responder Daniel Demerit speculates as to what happened to the body. "For a human’s skeletal structure to just evaporate like that, you’re talking thousands of degrees. This was no ordinary bar-be-cue. This was the devil’s handiwork." Onlookers said that Faulk left the scene immediately, seemingly unfazed by what he had done.
Onlookers who wish to remain anonymous out of fear of catching fire themselves claim that Faulk was heard muttering about the insult. "He kept saying, ‘Darren Sproles my ass!’ You could tell he was visibly upset. After he turned and walked away, a cat exploded, and the street lights went out."
New York police officer James Dataglia was the first policeman to arrive on the scene. After questioning all of the witnesses, he determined that Faulk played no role in the matter. "After an extensive investigation, we at the NYPD have decided not to pursue Mr. Faulk in his involvement in the issue. We surmise that Mr. Thibault may have been struck by a rogue asteroid of sorts, and that may be what caused his untimely death. But no, we’re not going to go after Mr. Faulk. Would you? Did you see what happened here?"
Editor’s Note: The people of Earth would like to thank Marshall Faulk for redirecting the asteroid that would’ve destroyed life as we know it recently. We accept the tragedy in Russia as a reminder of the endless power of Marshall Faulk.