Disclaimer: This is a new Onion-like series of articles I plan on writing. These are in no way factual, and should be read as such.
Tim Walton Denied Entry to Rams Park
BRIDGETON, MO - New St. Louis Rams defensive coordinator Tim Walton was denied entry into Rams Park on Saturday. Security guards were “confused” when a man nonchalantly approached the entrance to the team’s facility. “I was just there, chilling and such, when up walks this dude that nobody’s seen before. He tries to get past me, but I chest bump him, block him out. Says his name’s Tim Walton, and he’s here to meet with Coach (Fisher).” Moses “Brusier” Upwith, head of security at Rams Park says that he personally refused Mr. Walton entry. “I ain’t never seen this punk. He didn’t even have a badge. You gots to have a badge to get in. My momma need a badge to get in, and I came from her loins. I never seen this dude’s loins. What makes him think I’m gonna let him in?”
Tim Walton is used to not being recognized. “One Halloween I dressed up as Andrew Ridgeley, the other dude from Wham! No one knew who I was. The next year, I went with something a little more recognizable, so I was a cop from that tv show, C.H.I.P.S., no, not Ponch, the other guy. People were just confused.” He was shocked that the security team at Rams Park wasn’t told of his arrival. “I don’t know, I just figured that they’d know that I was coming. Kevin (Demoff) should have let them know I’d be showing up.”
“Who? Walton? Tom Walton? Never heard of him.” Kevin Demoff said he was unaware of the hiring. “I don’t know anything about this guy. Is he real? I mean, my job is mostly to order out chinese and rub Stan‘s bald head when he lets his toupee air out. Hey, when’s that chubby Fabio character coming back in? I liked that guy.”
Eventually, Jeff Fisher came out to let his newest staff member in the building, after verifying his identity, of course.