Disclaimer: This is a new Onion-like series of articles I plan on writing. These are in no way factual, and should be read as such.

Titus Young Moves on From Football

BRIDGETON, MO - Titus Young left Rams Park on Friday and immediately began looking for work. “I understand that this is it. I’m done, I’m out, football is over for me. It’s time to move on to greener pastures.” Young loaded his bags into his 2003 Mitsubishi Galant and drove away from the only job he’s ever known, not before stopping at the area Quizno’s to pick up a medium chicken carbonara, a cup of chili, and an application.

Reports from Young’s camp indicate that he will be scouting the Bridgeton area for potential post-football employment, but doesn’t want to resort to the mall. Young is said to be interested in fast food.

“I want to be the greatest in another field, lettuce prep. I mean, think about it. Everywhere needs lettuce prep, right? There’s less than 2000 players in the NFL, there’s that many lettuce preppers in the metro east alone. I’m going national, baby!” Young said when asked about his career change. “There’s heroes everywhere, man. Two-fingers Teddy once cored and shredded 300 heads in two hours after the fridge went out the night before. 300 heads in two hours, that’s like, almost 200 heads an hour! That’s hall of fame, son. Pookie Dwyer didn’t sleep for six days in prep, hah, pun intended, in prep for Shannon Leibowitz’ bot mitzvah in 2010. Six days? I couldn’t do that, not yet. I’m gonna up my shredding game though. I’ll get there. I’ll be the greatest shredder ever.”

The current title of “Greatest Shredder Ever” is currently held by Oroku Saki, aka, Shredder. However, his reign is shrouded in controversy. Shredder has been linked to famed genetic alteration physician Dr. Jordon Perry. Perry created an ooze-like substance that has the power to mutate a person’s body on a cellular level, giving them added strength, speed, stamina, and ability to stand Vanilla Ice. Shredder could not be reached for comment.