who only appears when the team's like a fungus.
He'll spitter and spat,
say this thing or that
and then, just vanish back into his hat.
But when things are good,
he's back in his hood.
He's quiet as a mouse,
who's asleep in his mouse house.
This self-proclaimed guru
has inspired me to
write a poem this obtuse
with apologies to Dr. Seuss.
It is written in jest
and not to be a pest.
Please don't get mad;
I even hope you'll be glad.
So with no further ado,
here's the poem just for you.
by Dr. Seu-ramdude
How Jswirb Stole Joy, Part 1
Down in Rams-ville
Liked Fisher a lot...
Who lived North of Rams-ville,
Jswirb hated Fisher! And the whole football season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his shoes,
He commented on Turf Show Times screaming out boos,
Staring down at his screen with a sour, Swirby frown,
"Someone just said Branford's the best QB in town!"
For he saw every fan in Rams-ville on his scanner
Was busy now hanging a St. Louis Rams banner.
"And they're getting all happy!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow's the big game! It's practically here!"
Then he growled knowing the game was quickly approaching,
"I MUST find a way to stop Fischer from coaching!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Rams boys and their dates
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush to their tail gates!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the fans, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start with the Budweiser and nachos and cheese
Then move onto burgers and brats cooked nice as you please.
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every fan down in Rams-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, (this really got him jeering).
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the fans would start cheering!
They'd cheer! And they'd cheer!
AND they'd CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
And the more Jswirb thought of the fans' manic cheer
The more Jswirb thought, "I must stop this whole schmear!
"Why for forty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Fisch from coaching!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Jswirb yelled; his teeth did gnash.
He made a Jeff Fisher mullet wig and big ole mustache.
And he chuckled, "What a delightful Swirby-like dish!
"With this wig and this stache, I'll look just like Fisch!"
"All I need is an Oh Cee..."
Jswirb looked all around.
But since OCs are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Swirb...?
No! Jswirb simply said,
"If I can't find an OC, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Max. And he put on a beard.
He tied a clipboard to his paws - it didn't look weird.
"Now that looks just like Schotty,
not a short-haired Scottie."
He loaded some balls
And some stinky gym socks
In a ramshakle Yugo
That had had many knocks.
Then Jswirb said, "Let's go!"
And the car started down
Toward the homes where the fans
Lay a-snooze in their town.
To Be Continued...
Now back to our regular scheduled programming:
Obamacare?? No problem.
Play dat funky music, white uh, hamster!
Let's put a saddle on those Colts and just riiiiiiiiiiiddddddeeeee.
GO RAMS! Have a great weekend evabody.