Oh, hi there. After literally minutes of thought, I've decided these shrewd moves would give our beloved St. Louis Rams the most optimal chance at success in 2013.

Free Agency:

1. Sign Greg Jennings. Veteran. Old Spice. Can catch oblong objects better than most. Possible bargain price.

2. Re-sign Bloody Steven Jackson. 3 years.. The Earl Campbell of our time. Don't Kurt this guy over. Pyay that myan. Pyay that myan his muhneeee.

3. Let Danny go. Let him go, guys. Just..no... shhhhh.....it's gonna be okay. Let him go.

4.Sign Brandon Gibson to the lowest possible contract for which he's eligible. Tell him he can never again appear on another segment of Wired or Mic'd Up or whatever. And he has to help polish helmets.

5. Consider maybe trying to find a guy who would entertain the idea of returning a fucking kick*.

6. Take a flier on Aaron Curry. The unintentional training camp comedy could be priceless.

7. Re-sign Hayes, Cudjo, Clemens, Turner. Ask Craig Dahl to fill vacant "Fun Police" front office position.

*(or punt).

Coaching:

1. Mike Singletary. DC. Period. End of story. And Rob Ryan? You can't win with him! We need winners!

2. Hire a USMC Drill Instructor and a German Shepherd to have "private time" time with any individual that commits a false start/offside/personal foul penalty. These "counseling" sessions will take place at 0500 hours on Monday after game day.

3. Special Teams: I feel like Hekker and Zuerlein could improve their confidence just by getting laid. Cc: Chris Long; Take these nerds to Coachella and get 'em some of that nasty-nasty.

Uniforms:

1. These. Forevermore. (except maybe put a little "StL" on the pants next to their junk.

via 3.bp.blogspot.com

Rules:

1. If Fisher doesn't bring up the whole "Hey, I kick for Baltimore and I'm just gonna run out here before attempting a game winner, during a TV timeout and get a practice kick in, and pretend like it's totally okay! Cool? Thanks!" with the competition committee, then my Dad is going to have his 4th and final heart attack.

2. Guys..wear your fucking pads. Do you chuckleheads hear me? JUST WEAR YOUR PADS. (is this rule supposed to go into effect in 2013?) Especially if you're a Ram or I have you on my fantasy team. If you go down with a "deep knee bruise" or "thigh contusion" then you can go straight to hell. Wear leg pads, guys. Seriously. Gregg Williams might be back in the league next year and then you will need them.

Draft:

I feel like talking about the draft is like dancing about the draft. So, here ya go. Damn your eyes.

1a. Eric Fisher

1b. Kenny Vacarro

2. Tyler Eifert

3. Travis Swanson

4. Kiko Alonso

5. D.J Swearinger (As a devout fan of Deadwood, I think we gotta have this coc*suc*er on our team.)

6. Bennie Logan

7. Datone Jones

2013 Drinking games:

1. Chug a beer everytime Seattle's cornerbacks are described as "big, physical".

2. Sip your cocktail everytime the 49ers are called "hard nosed".

3. Slam a shot everytime Van Ram (the oldskool Ryan Van Bibber) writes a passive-agressive article about Sam Bradford.

4. Mainline a fifth if TSTers of yesteryear like Tackle Box, AmpLee, andyrose, or Coach Connors start posting again.

(RIP mooseknuckles41 1983-2013)

Free Agent Misc:

1. St. Louis Cardinals sign Russell Wilson to a lucrative major league contract with an eye toward him being the 2014 opening day 2nd Baseman.

2. St. Louis Cardinals sign Colin Kaepernick, with an eye toward trading him to the Bluejays so he can bro-out with Colby Rasmus.

3. Manti Teo's girlfriend will start dating Mardy Gilyard.

HERE'S TO A BEST POSSIBLE SCENARIO 2013!