Game Day Diary: Rams at Bears

Game Day Diary is back; let’s talk about feelings.


Did Jennifer Hale just say Steven Jackson was going give 100% dick?

Quarter 1:

14:54- Dick Stockton was pretty excited about Hester’s return there. “Hester, past the 25 and finally brought down!” Finally? A return to the 25 calls for a feverous “finally,” really? Come on Dick, we’re just getting started, don’t peak too early.

14:41-Well, that was an easy twelve yards. I’m not ready for a full day of big Bush up the middle.

13:35- Did we just get flagged for not having enough players? Oh, okay. Smoke more weed Janoris; seriously, smoke more weed.

13:00-I shouldn’t get too excited about the things that are supposed to happen, but the speed off Quinn and power of Long looked completely overwhelming to Webb and Carimi on that play.

11:44- That a baby Danny, fair catch inside the ten. That holding call bailed you out.

11:33- I don’t have a “stat boy” or a private investigator on my staff, but I have to assume that Adam Podlesh has been knocking the bottom out of Mario Haggan’s wife, that’s the only explanation. Haggan lined him up; that was premeditated.

10:50- Hip to hip 31, kudos.

10:46- Bears are going to have to help their tackles

10:01- There you go Sam’s ankle; if they’re gonna give it to you, take it.

8:35- They really need to keep pumping it to Lance.

5:50- This is going to be a long day for our offense. The offensive line looks like they’re wearing roller skates.

5:23- DEVIN HESTER ON THE RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ten yards, capped off by an Amendola-esque leaping spin-move.

5:17- Oh! C’mon man! Some guys drop picks, because they’re thinking too much about the return. Janoris was thinking about the dance he was going to do after he took it to the house. He also, at that very moment, remembered where he left his wallet the night before—The Pink Monkey, Chicago’s finest gentlemen’s club, BYOB (not joking, you actually bring your own booze).

5:09- Rams O-linemen sharing roller skates with Bears O-linemen.

4:40- Screen! I was pretty pissed at first, but after a rewind I have to say that it was really well executed by the Bears. One day, the Rams will learn to execute a screen.

3:58- We need Brockers.

3:27- DEVIN HESTER!!!!!!!!!!!

3:03- Dunbar really excited about making his first play of the day. We need OLB help.

1:45-Dunbar absolutely trucked Evan Rodriguez there. Unfortunately, Michael Bush was the one carrying the football.

0:16- St. Louie gets the ball…confusion reigns. I’m not even going to try to explain, just watch for yourself. My favorite part is the very end, where Craig Dahl, surrounded by nobody, bends over, picks up the ball, and then says, “screw it, I’m tired” and just flops onto the ground.

0:10- So that’s what the scouts meant about Givens being scared across the middle.

0:06- There’s Gibson, being wide open and dropping precise, game-breaking passes. Brandon, not even the smell of Rosie O’Donnell’s post sex Perineum sweat is as offensive as your catching ability.

Quarter 2:

14:06- Bush is physically dominating Laurinaitis any time they go heads up.

13:25- Heard is one large man.

12:45- Apparently the Rams picked up Ernie Sims. Thanks for the update, Lynch.

12:40- Is James hurt? He’s usually attacking the ball carrier. Today he’s sitting on his heels waiting.

11:58-When there’s the potential for a return, can we let Janoris field a punt? I would like to experience some feelings of anticipation during punt returns.

11:29-Why must we wait for Steven to be getting obscure medical treatment to give Richardson a carry. Last week Richardson broke out while SJ was getting a groin rub-down behind a towel wall constructed by 12 year-old boys. This week, Richardson doesn’t get his first carry until the 2nd quarter and he only gets it because Jackson has some mysterious, pillow-sized heat wrap surrounding his entire thigh (didn’t he have a groin injury?).

9:39- One day, the Rams will learn to execute a screen.

7:14- Consistent pressure from the edge, but even on screen passes, Cutler has a giant tunnel of open pocket in front of him. If this line gets one interior pass rusher, they’ll dominate.

6:25- Monster running lanes for the Bears.

4:54- Darian Stewart is a downhill go-cart with no steering wheel and no breaks.

1:58- Bush, untouched.

1:26- Oh yeah, we signed Steve Smith.

1:07- I’m going to pretend that Kendricks dropped that on purpose, knowing that a five-yard gain at our own forty isn’t worth starting the clock.

1:01- Really? Gave Bradford the first there, ok.

0:51- Steven Jackson, stuck in the mud, but he takes great care of his body.

0:40- I wish “jump-spin” was an attribute in Madden so that Amendola could be higher than “85” in something.

0:27- “They’re not even gonna try, the Rams, a field goal. It would be well over fifty yards.”- Dick Stockton.

0:22- Fifty-six yard field goals lead to Fisher fist pumps. Additionally, he also realized that he left his wallet at the The Pink Monkey

0:16- HESTER! HESTER! HESTER! Dropped at the 32.

0:00- I have no idea how the Rams are only down 7, but I’ll take it.

Quarter 3:

14:56- If Pead’s only role is kick-returner, I think he’s a waste of a game-day roster spot.

12:23- Here’s the thing Brian, you had already decided to go for it on 4th-down when it was 3rd and 1. With that being the case, one, if not both of those attempts to get one yard should involve your 240 lbs. All-Pro running back. And if you’re going to run a quick slant—which I’m fine with—please do not target the receiver who has the most unreliable hands on the team. Austin Pettis makes that play.

11:27-Yeah three-and-out.

10:23- Steven has a voidable, $7M cap hit next season; just throwing that out there.

9:12- Guess he heard me, although, Richardson gets at least another five yards out of that and if he makes Tim Jennings miss, it’s a house call.

8:34- “Tackled by Urlacher from behind.” Something you don’t want the play-by-play guy to say about your running back in 2012.

7:04- Lance Kendricks, do your job! That should’ve been an easy five for Danny and possibly a big gain.

6:19- Not that it matters, since Schottenheimer insists on routing players two yards short of first-down markers, but Kendricks needs to make that catch, he’s supposed to be a professional.

4:27- Jump Spin!

4:20- Sam, get rid of the ball. You have a guy in the flat, dump it off, throw the ball at his feet, but don’t take a nine-yard sack.

2:34- What an absolute bail-out from Peppers

0:49- Get-rid-of-the-ball!

Quarter 4:

14:50- Back-to-back Alshon Jeffery catches. Somewhere in a Soldier Field press box “The Big Dog” is chasing vodka shots with Oliva Double Robusto’s and frantically compiling a list of all rookie receivers not named Brian Quick who are dressed today and contributing to their respective teams. I wonder if he’ll bring up first-round pick A.J. Jenkins, who hasn’t dressed once for a team that calls Randy Moss their number-one receiver.

11:15- Laurinaitis is going to be pretty embarrassed in the film room when he watches himself take that parabola-shaped angle in pursuit of Cutler.

9:54- HESTER! Can’t make the catch.

9:49- Nice hold.

9:41- Lance Kendricks and Brandon Gibson must be doing the same ball-catching drills.

9:20- Barry, when you’re beat that badly, that quickly, you at least need to start yelling, “He comin’! He comin’!”

9:10- Ouch, pick-six hurts. Rams need five field-goals in nine minutes.

7:09- I know the city of Chicago is notorious for corruption, but Sam is trying to snap the ball while the Bears have fifteen players randomly scattered all over the field and the official decides to run interference until Lovie Smith has a chance to call timeout.

6:57- HESTER!

6:33- Jeffery catches; Miklasz seethes.

4:35- I’m not going to say “same old Rams,” because clearly that is not the case. However, this is still a team with major offensive line issues and a significant lack of explosive talent on offense.

3:09- Dunbar isn’t going to let a little thing like being down by two touchdowns stop him from talking shit.

1:56- Garbage-time pick? Why not? Bollocks. Time for a drink.

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