Turf Show Times: Ramdude's RAMblins 8/18

Note: This is a Joke Y'all

(or is it?)

Quoth the Bibber: "Get thee behind me DCGiantFan, or I
shall turn thee into 4 pillars of sea salt!" (must be a foodie)

Maybe you were there last Sunday night (of all nights) -- the night DCRamFan blasphemed as he said he lusted in his heart after the New York Giants and despised the St. Louis Rams (or something like that - I'm not real good with details).

I was shocked, shocked I say, and was probably one of the first to call Ryan Van Bibber and rouse him out of a light slumber exclaiming, "Something has to be done! DC has run amok!! WILL YOU ACCEPT THE CHARGES?!?!" (I'm on a budget - can't be wasting minutes for this kind of stuff.) Thank god, there were other like-minded concerned citizens.

What you may not know is that this was possibly foretold long before the Rams left the Land of Cleve and temporarily dwelt among the LA-ites and the Anaheim-ites. Could it be true?!?

Well, I found an old thing with old writing on it that may have predicted the entire deplorable event.

Learneth more after the leap. Have a scribe ready to take this down!

Dead Mississippi River Scroll

I found this old scroll with some strange writing on it, so I ran the text thru a killer translator app and here's what came out. I'm sure it's purely coincidental, but there are certainly some strong parallels.

And I quote:

Verily I say unto you, in the land of blue people and bourbon, two cousins shall lie together. In time, the female will become great with child. After the "child" is born, she will poke it with a stick for a while and then feed it Cheetos. Lots of Cheetos. And its name shall be called 600RamFan, meaning "He who shall one day spit on the stache of the Fish RamFan." [hmmm... 600 = DC in Roman numerals, just sayin]

600RamFan shall grow strong (Cheeto strong) and develop an affinity for power tools. He shall become proprietor of a massive bazaar that trades sheep and oxen for 2x4s, snow blowers and such. But mostly, he will just spend the day sending and receiving carrier pigeons to/from friends. He shall also marry WAY, WAY out of his league and spend 40 days and 40 nights moving from the land of blue people and bourbon to the village of liars and thieves (all because he loves to hear the map reader lady say "recalculating" over and over).

In the year that "the great one" leaves the mile high mountain to play wild ass [donkey?, cat?] for the Green People, 600RamFan shall fall ill with a turrble [Barkley, is that you?] demon and some nasty boils. This shall happen not long after the Colts thump the Rams in preseason. [Now that's just scary - how did they know that?] 600RamFan shall speak in tongues that only the false prophet (and guru) JSWIRB and a few trolls can understand. The blasphemy shall include strange phrases such as "ascending from a musical wagon" and "lovin him some NY Giants."

But the Great Bibber shall arrive to cast the demon out - not with a stone, not with a rod or staff, not with hands raised and holy words shouted to the heavens - but with an editor's note inserted at the top of 600RamFan's blog.

Upon reading the note, 600RF shall writhe about on the ground with much weeping, tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth and shall rent his clothing (ruining a perfectly good Hello Kitty t-shirt). Finally, the demon shall be expelled in the form of a slimy, juucy pickle. 600RF shall slowly recover from the madness and grow to love the Rams once again - certainly in time for the following Thursday's Random Ramsdom.

[After that, there's just a recipe for brownies and what appears to be a lottery number.]

Good luck DC! Hope all is well and sorry about the cool shirt (if this really happened).

Devin Briar Found on Mars

Wow, that book really is available EVERYWHERE! Nice distribution system, Doug.

Unfortunately, this is seen as proof by NASA that there is no intelligent life on Mars. Further exploration of the planet has been cancelled.

Just kidding. It's just been put on hold while they figure out what a Devin Briar is. The U.S.D.A is feverishly looking into it.

Lessons in Pimpitude

For those of you aspiring pimps out there, you need to sit at da feets of da master. Here's a crash course in the secret art d'pimpin. The above Huffington Post article tells ya all you need to know bout managin doez hoez from someone who knoez.

Not unlike the NFL network in off season, Steve McDaniel has his own personal Top 10 List of Rules of the Rode. Sounds like a Type-A personality with trust issues to me.

Kansas City Game

So later today, we play in the "Governor's Cup" against cross-state rival Kansas City. Being out of the area and seeing as both teams are in the same state (at least partly), does the Governor just bet himself something?

Normally in preseason, the home team is favored by 1-2 points, and then a few more plus or minus points are factored in based on the relative quality of the teams - just because. We started out with even odds and are now one point underdogs as homies. In fact, we're the only home team not favored this weekend. So last game certainly had a hangover effect on this one. With an over/under of 36.5, at least a moderate amount of offense is expected.

I think one of two things happen: we treat this game like another scrimmage and don't even look at the scoreboard again, or we let the starters play a little longer and actually try to be effective. In the first case, we lose by an unhappy amount. But at some point, Fish may want to instill some confidence in the team and push a little harder for a win. Is this the week - or next week in Dallas? We know the last preseason game will have virtually no starters playing for any significant amount of time. I'd say the home win and the Styrofoam cup might be something to play for. We'll see.

Your thoughts????

And Now... Your Tebow Moment: Remember to be Good to One Another!

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Turf Show Times

You must be a member of Turf Show Times to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Turf Show Times. You should read them.

Join Turf Show Times

You must be a member of Turf Show Times to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Turf Show Times. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.