Turf Show Times: Ramdude's RAMblins

Lester Holt

Editor's Note: Here's another chapter from TST's own - ramdude. So put that honey-do list aside for a few, and have a read...

Hey, it's ramdude the weekend guy. So what do I do around here? I've got a couple of jobs: sweep up, empty the trash, stock the fridge for the week with virtual Perrier, Red Bull and Beck's in case Ryan's, 3k's or the guys' avatars get thirsty. I almost feel like the hardest working man in weekend news - Lester Holt - but without all the work. But the most important thing I do is try to give you a reason to put off those Saturday chores just a little longer. Let's face it - how long could it take to read a few paragraphs while the grass dries? After this, maybe a couple of games of Solitaire - just a couple. You worked hard this week. Soooo, let's get down to it.

2012 US Olympic Men's Basketball Team

2012 US Olympic Men's Basketball Team -
after exercising in the yard? Associated Press

I saw this photo in my local paper and couldn't get over how "excited" everybody seemed after being selected for the team. What you can't see here is Coach K on the left looking like his cat just died, and BB Director Jerry Colangelo on the right thinking "Don't I have somewhere else 2 B?". Kevin Durant is asking if it's time to Pledge Allegiance yet, and Kobe looks like he just heard Shaq is coming back to the Lakers to play point guard. I don't see a lot of BFFs in da room. I assume most of you out there have used a tool or two.

I decided to take a gander at a few tools. Maybe you've used a couple of these. Take a look after the jump. Plus, I have something that should never be done to our flag and a tribute to the recently departed Andy Griffith. The grass'll wait...

Sure, they LOOK harmless

Uncle Brother's Tool Definitions

Before we get started, let me explain that Uncle Brother is not really my brother. I'm not from Kentu-Arkansas. He's my mother's brother. When she was growing up, she called him Brother - and it stuck. My brother is NOT called Brother Uncle, BTW. So here we go - Uncle Brother's Tool Definitions. Got any of these around the shop?

Skil Saw - A saw so easy, it takes no 'skill' to separate you from a couple of your favorite fingers.

Pliers - The tool that can do almost anything - but nothing well. You can use it for it's original purpose - hurtin your lil' brother - or you can use it for everything else. I've used it for loosening nuts, and I've also used it for picking ticks off my...

Philips Screwdriver - The next option after you've completely stripped the head on a flathead screw. The divot you've created is perfect for a philips head to take a poke at!


Hammer - Comes in claw, ball peen, sledge, and MC


Utility Knife - The cutting tool, primarily used for cutting cardboard, that also puts you in a position where you need to explain something to a Doctor while you slowly drip on the floor thru a rag tied around yo leg.

Planer- The noisiest tool you'll ever have, and it's great drowning out the wife's voice when she's trying to get you to do somethin' other than play in your man cave. Makes it easy to prove you've been working on that table she's been after you to make too. Just feed a few old 2x4s thru with the sawdust bag off. Let it rain wood bits everywhere while you watch the game. Piney wood smell and football...Ain't nothin' better.

Chop Saw - A very accurate device for making smaller chunks outta bigger stuff. Great for getting out those passive-aggressive thoughts stumblin' around in your brane. Nothin' says "Chop, an don't Stop!" like a 12' chop saw blade. Great for gettin' rid of Zombie body parts too. One Zombie per Hefty Cinch Sak is my general rule unless he's a biggun - then might be a double bagger.


Framing Hammer - Great for hammer n' nail target practice. Just get all sudsed up an go ta town (Shoot for the middle nail and finger/thumb.) The waffly end of this 32 oz beast lets you know just how bad you are at hittin a nail. Don't really recommend using this baby sluggo to tap in finishin nails though - less you want checkerboard imprints all over yer bee-u-tiful moldin.


Bench Vise - After you finish crushin thangs just to see if you can, these little gems are great to have around. Don't try the finger holding power test though. Bench vise, like Honey Badger, it just don't care.

Extension Ladder - These damn things are a straight up lie. Sure, they extend so you can almost reach the top of the double-wide, but they add more than just height to any job. Wobble, wobble all the dang time while ya wonder about the "Don't Step Here" sticker 8 rungs below you (stickers is for daggone kids). An why is the ladder always over here when I'm at the top an I need to be over yonder?

Tape Measure - They come in every length you can imagine cept long enough. Screw that nonsense! Guess wonest, go back to Lowes three times I always say.


Jig Saw - This thang is dangerous, but that's why I like it. First, it pokes a buncha holes in stuff (including yer leg) til you get it under "control." Then, it dodges whatever line you drawed on yer plywood til you give up - all the time rattlin yer tooth out. But it's the closest we fellas get (cept maybe the a4mentioned planer) to havin one of them Rabbits the ladies is so fond of.

Table Saw - Now this thang was grate, til you tried to rip a 8 ft sheet a plywood by yerself. Of course, everything was A-OK til you went to the other side to pull the other half thru. Then, you pulled the whole dang thang over an it chased you down the driveway. That's how embarassin nick names git started.


Scissor Jack - What about that name don't tell ya that some body part is about to git separated from its rightful owner? What the hey. Let's play anyway. Gotta get the car off my sister.


Maul - Now that's a man's tool - I really like that name. Sounds like what a bear would do if he dropped an anvil on yer foot - he'd maul ya, specially since yer gittaway sticks would be outta commission.


Crowbar - This big ol piece a metal helps to destroy what you wanna keep, whilst not budgin what you want to git rid of. Preciate the thought tho.

A new one I just recently learned about

ALLEN WRENCH: A small L-shaped device used in the mining industry to gouge out eyes or, otherwise, cause bodily harm - right Sergey?

Next week, Uncle Brother explains some commonly used sayins that got their start many a' year ago.

Get Your A$$ Off My Flag

Not trying to start an international incident, but this came to my attention just before the 4th. Nearly dropped my hot dog.

Student officers display a US giant national flag on the Trocadero square with the Eiffel tower in the background during a solemn tribute to the victims of the 9/11 attacks on September 11, 2011 in Paris. Photograph by: AFP, Getty Images

I know it's heavy and all, but we managed to hold flags as big as football fields off the ground during 100s of games last year. Appears that the ground was wet too - THANKS.

Andy and Opie Cunningham Taylor

What It Was, Was Football

Long before he was Andy Taylor of Mayberry, Andy Griffith was a story teller - and a good one. Back in 19 and 53, he released a record called "What It Was, Was Football." It reached number nine on the charts in 1954.

So set a spell. Click the above link. Take your shoes off. I'm gonna go get me a diet big orange drank. I think this is what Spags used to learn how to run a football team.

Rest in Peace Andy Griffith. We're gonna miss ya.

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