Just in time for the summer movie season, a blockbuster that will light your pants on fire. A nonstop thriller that will tear your nerves to shreds. A crapfest of a script that is so laden with CGI-created explosions that you will lose any sense of critical thinking and submit to the glory of technological advancement and puerile titillation.
Act I, in which Billy Devaney and Steve Spagnuolo are both fired, can be found here.
We're back in STAN KROENKE's office, amid the memorabilia miscellany. Now, however, it's messier. Documents for the 2012 NFL Draft remain. Copies of legal documents pertaining to the staff shake up earlier in the year are scattered across two desks. KROENKE, however, is sitting in front of a window away from his workspace watching the snow fall. Silently. It is November 2012.
Chief Operating Officer KEVIN DEMOFF, ever the able and loyal steward, stands in front of the door. He was summoned, so he came. He hasn't been told to sit, so he hasn't.
: And yet here we are again, now even closer to the end of our lease. Every day, they're talking about how I want to move the team to Los Angeles. Everyone in this building knows it's not true, but the narrative's already been built. The court of public opinion has already decided on my desire to move the team.
: Kevin, I'm Stan Kroenke. I can do whatever the hell I want. (Without looking, KROENKE hits the speakerphone button on his desk phone) Derinda, please have Coach and Sam come in here immediately...Thank you.
DEMOFF quickly dashes down the hall, reappearing not even a minute later with star Rams QB Sam Bradford, and the head coach of the St. Louis Rams.
: Nobody did. I couldn't let anyone know, because everyone knows the Swiss are the industry leaders in time travel. And now they've produced a working prototype for me. Sam, I need you to go back to January for me.
: Mr. Kroenke, I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous about this. I mean, are you absolutely certain that it's safe? And what are the rules about seeing myself? I mean, I was watching TimeCop with Danny the other day, and this guy touched himself in the future, or maybe it was the past. Wait, no, the future guy and the past guy met each other in the present and touched each other, and he just turned into a blood explosion. It was gross.
The team's translator who turns Les Miles' words into normal English sentences, JORDAN JEFFERSON, enters.
: Yup. I was just posing a question of uncertainty to Mr. Kroenke here about a time machine he's built. Apparently it's some kind of a plane that flies through time and parks in the past like a normal plane at an airport.
: Ah, I see. Well, it looks kind of like the telepods in the Fly.
: I saw that movie. It was frightening. Mr. Kroenke, I think we need to be careful that in our want for time travelation, we don't force a situation that doesn't situate properly. We have to make sure that the readiness is apparent on an emotional level. If we have indeed accomplished such, then the factors that lead to success on and off the field could be the factors we bring into the fold more often than not.
: I too hold a level of appreciation on that expression, Mr. Kroenke. Lastly in finality and closure, I would note that Sam's journey is a journey of uncertainness. While we have specific actions we can take to prepare the multitude of individuals involved and set conditions that lend themselves to a level of separate appreciability, our focus has to be on the flexibility that will be brought by us. When you put on the hat, you're wearing a piece of clothing on your head. But you may not be wearing the same had two years from said wearing. The memory of the day is elevated by how we performed.
: If I may interrupt for a moment of shortness, if Sam goes back temporally to identify a coach of mind and heart that fits in the borders of the duties we hold as coaches, does that mean I won't continue to hold those duties when he recrosses the time Rubicon?
: That's alright, Jordan. I understood that one, although he did destroy that metaphor. Yes, Coach, if Sam is successful, you won't be the head coach of the St. Louis Rams in the present day. And speaking bluntly, given how the team has performed this season, I think --
JEFFERSON suddenly takes his cell phone out of his pocket and throws it to DEMOFF.
JEFFERSON throws KROENKE's computer at MILES.
INT. SWISS TIME TRAVEL LAB
After a quick map/flight scene thingy, BRADFORD, KROENKE and DEMOFF have entered a Swiss time travel lab, since as we all know the Swiss are the industry leaders in time travel. Surrounded by wires, electronic boards with lights and switches and buttons and stuff, and cheese, KROENKE has an air of determination. DEMOFF seems committed to the cause, though not knowing entirely what it is. BRADFORD, though confident, is apprehensive.
: Good. Sam, I want you to listen to me. The fate of the season that you mostly just played hangs in the balance. The difference betweena 3-win team and a 10-win team rests in your hands. You know what you have to do. Go back to January. Go to the lake. Find him. Convince him that he needs to be here with us. Come back to us ready to go. Because when you do, we'll be in the playoff hunt. You and our new coach need to be prepared to win and deliver a playoff-caliber team to St. Louis.
BRADFORD enters the time travel telepod from the Fly, the sweat dropping down his cheesely-grinning face onto his unnecessarily colorful sweater. As he takes a seat, he salutes KROENKE professionally. Commandingly. KROENKE's salute returns, a mixture of authority and awkward rich toupee'd dudeness.
Coming soon, Act II, Part 2. Will Sam be able to convince said mystery coach (who really isn't a mystery coach, if you read Act 1...) to take the helm of the Rams in the past to lead them to success in the pre-future before Sam's return to the now? Will he be able to adjust upon his reintegration?
JOIN US NEXT TIME ON BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK ROOOOOOOOOOGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS!!! Wait. I mean THE SHORTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST WINTEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Would you pay $0.14 to see the Shortest Winter made into a movie?
No - Movies are dumb. This series is dumb. The script is dumb. Where are my pants? (79 votes)
Yes - I've seen the Godfather. I've seen Gone With the Rain and Casablanca and Raging Bull and Lawrence of Arabia and all the best movies ever. This is destined to join them. (77 votes)
156 total votes